Hi! I am a new member and this is my first post. I am 60yrs and my son is 37yrs. A few days ago, my husband and I were told about our son's serious gambling addiction. Our daughter in law phoned to let us know- and that was because he had 'stolen' £10000/- from her account without her knowledge. This was the first time we knew of his addiction- it was heart breaking and gut wrenching! We thought we knew our son- a kind, decent, intelligent anf honest human being!! we believe that he still is all of that- but some how along the way he has been completely taken over by the addiction/illness. It has turned him into a clever liar, moody, secretive and distant person. I now know why!! Cant understand where we went wrong and how we could have missed the signs and been so stupid and completely in the dark!
The gambling must have started sometime after he left home for University and was introduced to it by one of his flat mates. But since he lived away from home most of the year, we were not aware of it at all. Now thinking back, after graduation, he got a well paid job, and the good income must have been feeding his gambling addiction. After a couple of years, he suffered a mental breakdown, lost his job and came to live at home, and enrolled for a further degree. We were still not aware of anything different and attributed his depression and mood swings to his recent breakdown . We supported him through this dark period in the best way that we could.After his graduation, he got a fairly well paid job, but then he rang me one day, to tell me that he had debts of around £12000/ on credit cards. This was the first shock! We did not have large savings and I had to really scrape and scrounge from all our saving pots to pay off this debt. The explanation he gave was during his days at University the expenses just had built up etc etc. I believed him! My son was honest, was'nt he???Few years went on, he got married and lived with his wife. He no longer maintained regular contact with us - irregular, occasional phonecalls and the one odd short visit or two (when I had suffered a heart attack!) I even joked with him-'What do I have to do, for me to see you??!!'
Then,early last year, he lost his job and was without a job for nearly 9months. He did not tell us this for all these months, and we believed that he had a job that kept him busy, and now being married they had their own happy lives!(His reason for not telling me was that he did not want to worry me!!)
But one day he calls to tell me about his job loss, and that he has accumulated a debt of £15000!!!!! I nearly had another heart attack and my legs went wobbly and my hands were shaking so much that I could barely hold the phone! He said he needed that money to repay the creditcard loans as he had used to pay the rent and all the other bills,while he had no job or income.(what he did not tell me was that his wife who does have a job, had being paying for it all!)
We had some more money by this time as we we had just sold our house and had some additional savings (he knew that!!) So mug that I am , we decided to clear all the debts as the interest paid out was at such a high rate!
Then a few days ago , out of the blue, I get this call from my daughter in law, and the whole story erupts! Apparently she and her family had discovered his addiction and yet kept it to themselves !! She was getting all the moral support from her parents etc! But when he took the money out of her savings account, that was the last straw for her and she phoned and told us everything!
The last blow was when we received this phonecall -with another compiled debt of £16000/-!!!! and that was the first time we heard that all the money was feeding or repaying his gambling debts!
He was ashamed and remorseful and said this was the end.He is determined to change and overcome his addiction.He has booked an appointment to see a debt counsellor, his wife has taken charge of all the accounts and money. He did seem to have reached the end of his lying cheating duplicitious life. I think he was also relieved that it was finally out in the open- and I am hoping and praying and giving him all the support so that he can get rid of this disease. We feel completely betrayed and I dont know how long it will take to fully trust him again. But I really do hope this addiction can be overcome and there is light at the end of the tunnel! It is very early days but have hope and cant give up on my son! He is a good person and we love him dearly!!
My Goodness Pam60, your story is almost the same as our own except our son hasn't amassed such huge debts. Your final sentence sums it up, yes they are good people and Heaven alone knows why this disease/affliction/illness should affect THEM. Why him you ask yourself I bet, where did we go wrong? I can't honestly help you as we are struggling to understand but know that you are not alone and you have so much sympathy. Has your son agreed to contact Gamcare or something like it? Ours hasn't although I did give him the phone number and website address. I'm hoping he will contact someone. Can I suggest that you do too, I spoke to a wonderful counseller just the other day, it helped.....
Good luck to your son Pam, and good luck to you too; I am sure you are very proud of your daughter-in-law, she loves him too and is willing to support him - surely while our boys have so much support they can come through this nightmare.
Hi 'facinguptoit'. This 'forum' is new to me (in fact this whole thing is so new to me) I am still trying to let it sink in, understand and believe its true- so I can face it without bursting into tears! How did we miss the signs so badly? But thinking back, it was quite naive of me to believe what was being told was the truth and trust him implicitly! That was my big mistake, in retrospect. But my son really is the most decent, kind, honest(except about this !) and intelligent human being. So the thought of something like this could happen to him never even crossed my mind! He is going to see a counseller today - and Im just praying so hard that it will help and he can turn his life around. He seemed so determined to change, and I do want to believe that he can. But I also feel so betrayed by him that it might take a while for him to regain my trust again. Hope - and pray- thats what I am doing right now!! Thanks for you kind words and support- it means a lot!
Hi Pam60 just remember that giving a compulsive gambler is not helping them. They are compulsive liars. You are powerless over their addiction and they are the only ones who can stop. You have to learn to say no and try and see why you were so happy to help. You are also in need of some help and support dealing with this. You have given him a lot of money and that in itself is a lot to come to terms with.
Yes- I know that only now. I did not know about his gambling addiction until now and was naive to believe all his earlier lies as I took it to be the truth! Now that I have just learnt where the money was going- its not going to happen again. my first post was dicatated by me and typed by a friend. And I just read and noticed she had misheard the figures and made a mistake- but they are huge amounts just the same. I cannot afford to 'help' again - He has sought help and I pray that it will help him to change his ways. I am struggling with this betrayal, and finding it hard to sleep at night. It is on my mind all the time -hanging over my head like a dark grey cloud.I am not sure if there is help available for members of the family affected by this. You are right - I do need help in coming to terms with it and dealing with it .
Hi Pam60,
If you are looking for support frpm people in similar situations to then GamAnon is a good place to start. http://gamanon.org.uk
Unfortyunately i am the gambler in my life, but my mum used to go to GamAnon meetings and what she learnt there really did help her and me in the long term.
She learnt why she needed to say no to me, no matter what i said or did. There was times where i had no money to get to work and even when I begged her for it she wouldnt give me any. That meant on occasions I had to walk 3/4 miles to get there. If i couldnt afford food I could go to her and she could feed me, but at no point would she give me any money. As hard as it may feel in the beginning you have to believe that playing hardball is the best way to help your son in the long term.
Im not saying it will get as bad as that for your son but thought you might be interested to hear from someone who has been there and is now over 800 days gamble free.
I really do wish you well.
Damo
Hi Pam you can call gamcare and talk to someone. As Damo says a gamanon meeting is great support. There are more parents than partners in the meeting I go to. Talk on here too.
Thanks Damo & Merry go round! I will def join gamanon. Damo- is there light at the end of the tunnel? Do you ever get over the 'urge'? Have you completely over the addiction or is it like fighting an ongoing battle for life?
Hi Pam, I am 38 years old and as hard as it is to admit, everything your son has done, I have done...and worse.
However there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel but it takes hard work and your son really has to be ready to make the effort to stop. It took me 18 years and several failed attampets to get to where I am now.
I have come around to the fact that I will always be a gambling addict and am 1 bet away from starting the cycle again, i just canmt control myself when i get going. I try to live by the rule that as long as I never have that first bet then there will be no second, third and so on.
Counselling is excellent but I would recommend getting your son to go to GA. The thought of it may be scary for him, and he may say that he doesnt need it, but what harm can it do him to give it a go if he is serious.
I dont come on to this site very often these days but when i do the first part of the forum i go into is the Friends and Family. It gives me a reminder of all the pain that can be caused by gambling.
I dont think you have mentioned if you daughter in law is going to stay with him, she would have every reason not to, but if she is then going to GamAnon would be a good idea for her as well.
Hopefully we get to see some more positive posts from you in the future.
Damo
Thanks Damo, I really appreciate your support and adice. You are about the same age as my son, but you seem to have started on the path to recovery 18years ago. He has just come out with the truth about his addiction, only because he realised that he has finally realised -its the end of the road- now or never (thats how he said that he felt) My daughter in law is giving him a lot of support and encouragement , and has also taken over the 'finances', cut of his credit cards etc. She has decided to stay with him, but made it clear that it would depend on how things progress from here. I do not blame her at all if she decides otherwise, but her support means a lot to him and his recovery process. So I just hope she loves him enough to stand by him through this very difficult time. I will definitely ask both of them to get in touch with GA. At the moment he feels very positive - but I know that as with any addiction, it only takes that first temptation to give in - ' just one tiny bet' , or 'just a little drink that cant do much harm' -and then it all starts to go downhill again! But I really pray that he (and you) can stay strong- there is more to life and so much more you can do to make it a worthy life for yourselves. Damo, stay strong and positive! You are also in my prayers !
Pam
Your story is almost a copy of our story as parents who have dealt with similar and the shock you felt brings back awful memories.. You are not on your own in this as you will read from other parents on here. In our case the debts were maybe not quite so high but they were high enough that we were using hard earned savings to bail out and we have had to forgo many plans for the future. But it came to a point when they hit rock bottom was when when the bailing out had to stop and they had to find their own solutions of sorting the debts and start learning to manage their money. The partner sounds wonderfully supportive and is doing all the right things like monitering finances etc. She had every right to walk out on him as gamblers put their partners and all their family at risk financially and emotionally. Like you, she loves your son and she can probably see the better sides of him and she is giving him this one chance to redeem himself. He is obviously bright with potential but will unfortunately need to be watched for a very long time. You and his partner must not take the eye off the ball with him - there is a lot of trust issue that needs building up again. I really hope he takes in all the help and advice offered and goes on to have a good future. He is lucky to have your support and now the secret is out it will be more difficult for him to gamble. I hope you are taking care of yourself and your health has improved.
Best wishes and good luck to you all.
Hello again Pam60, I haven't felt strong enough to come on here for a couple of weeks because I have been trying to convince myself that our son has stuck by his word and stopped gambling but today I feel sure he hasn't stopped, he sounds so stressed and is bullying, assertive and arrogant which isn't "him" so I feel sure he has succumbed again despite his promises that he would contact Gamcare if he felt the urge! He is about to lose his home I'm sure and heaven knows what will become of him..
I am glad your son has at stood by his word and seen a counsellor, that must be a HUGE step on the road to redmption. Please do contact someone yourself too, phone the number on here - I am sure it will help, it helped me! And reading all the other posts must be a comfort, ITDamo's 800 day free from gambling report is so heartening. Good luck
Hi 'Facinguptoit', Really sorry to hear the news from your last post. I really feel for you and hope and pray that your 'suspicions' about your son going back to gambling are not true(for his sake and yours!) I know that this addiction changes their core personality and makes them into someone they are not. In my case, my son had become so sectretive, irritable, uncommunicative and used to lie to cover up or get his way. I am just hoping that he has really understood how this affects his close family and also that he can never go back to it again- not even buy a scratchcard or lottery ticket! I do hope that you have the support to see you through this again. But though this may seem like your responsibility, it really is their decision, their will power and ultimately their life. As a mother, I think we do tend to take the blame, share the pain and worry ourselves sick - just wanting our children to be healthy and happy(that is what I pray for!) But we also have to remember, to support them in the best way that we can, but not shoulder all the pain and blame. I know this can be hard , but the only way to support them through this is to be strong ourselves and not make ourself sick with worry. So do stay strong, positive and try and communicate with your son if you do get the opportunity. Let him know that you are on his side and will support him to battle this. I think they need to be reminded of this as in their minds they feel the guilt and then the need to shut everybody out is the only way to deal with the problem. Just stay strong and look after yourself.Take care!
ITDAMO- Hope you are well and looking forward to celebrating your 1000th day! Keep at it and dont ever give in to the temptation- it is just not worth it! Good luck! Keep well! And post when you can:)
Gamparentanon- Thanks for your post which gives hope and I know that Im not alone. I realise that this is going to be a long, ongoing, lifelong struggle! I really can't understand how this 'vice/addiction' got hold of him since he has not seen anyone gamble or bet or anything! But really We are now just trying to deal with the present. 'Trust' takes a battering , and it will take a long time for him to earn it back. I trusted him implicitly - thats the kind of boy he is/was! Now that its out in the open, I sincerely hope and pray that he does not feel guilty, does not have to hide anything from us and does not feel the need to lie. Its still early days and I pray that he can be strong and overcome this addiction. Trying to be strong and supportive!
Hello 'facinguptoit'.
Have not seen a post from you since your last one- so hoping that all is well! I have also not been active on the forum as Im just trying to deal with the situation and feelings. Some days are ok, and then the reality suddenly hits me and I feel a gut wrenching pain deep in my being- its the sense of betrayal and trust being annihilated that hits me like a sledgehammer. The only way I can surface from that drowning feeling is by convincing myself that it will get better, he will be ok and will beat the addiction. And then I pray to God that he will .......I know this is not 'my' problem, but as a mother, however much I try, at the back of my mind the worry is always lurking somewhere. I guess the pain will ease with time... does anyone else feel the same??
Hi Damo - Hope you are well! Keep strong!
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