My son is only 23 years old and has gambling addiction which has been out of control for the last two year, he has been in rehab three times. The lastest was November where he was doing really well very positive, then my Father died his grandfather and now sadly he slowly is returning to his old ways. We have probably spent £100,000 or more bailing him out and paying for rehab which is £16,000 for 28 days, but the aftercare is not good. We pay for rent on his house and pay all the bills, his girlfriend was pregnant and they have a baby son who is now a year old. She has gone back to work part-time, but very young herself and does not protect her money. She got paid on Friday and he has gambled all the money as he has the details of her bank card. We have our own company which he works for, but he has hardly done a full week in the last year. He has had two major operation on a shoulder injury which has not helped, as this has stopped him working, but not all the time. He has lied and cheated us out of money he has stolen from us when he was living at home and sometimes when we were at work he would go to our home and look for any spare money he could find. I blame myself and feel so ashamed of him. He goes to meeting sometimes but he said in Gambling Anon he comes out of meetings and wants to gamble even more. He never sleeps and his apperance is terrible he has made a doctor's appoinment today. I am not sure if they will offer any help, I have also asked him to contact Breakeven to see if they can offer any help. He has asked us to pay his girlfriend the money back £500, I am cross with her as I told her to change her bank card, but she did not listen and this is not the first time he has done this to her. My husband and I are at breaking point and this is really taking a toll on my husband health. I just do not know where to go from here, I feel I have tried everything, but as a mother I cannot walk away from him. A year ago he did try to commit suicide. I blame myself I have always tried to control him and organise his life, only because I care, but I realise now that this has not helped him. I just wish things were normal again, he has a beautiful son but I sometimes fear he wants help but does not really want it enough yet .
Hi Lily I'm sorry to read your story. It sounds like you all need help. Gambling will affect the whole family and those close to the gambler. Sometimes coming from a meeting they will make excuses, not like what they hear, many dont like GA. But the rehab, self help, willpower isn't working. They say the gambler only stops when he/she wants to. In my experience no access to money and GA is the only way for my husband to stop. After 30 years he's finally realised gambling has beaten him. You cannot keep spending your money because it isn't helping. You need to help yourself learn how to deal with an addict. No more bailouts. You can only advise his girlfriend, it's up to her, she will soon realise that he will continue until she safeguards herself. I would suggest you find a gamanon meeting get some support. This is a problem that isn't going away. Call gamcare get some advice. Look after yourselves. The doctor should help him, he may need medication if he's depressed. My husband went to gp and he told him to go to GA. All this can help him but only if he wants to stop and is 100% honest.
Hi lily, I am really sorry to hear what is happening with your son. I am the gambler in my family and I put my mum through all the same things that your son has done to you. I’ve stolen money from family/partner/work and I had a half hearted attempt at suicide as well. I am now over 800 days gamble free and I wanted you to see that it can be done.
As much as you want to help him, some of the things you are doing are enabling your son. I would recommend educating yourself fully on this addiction. As mgr has said you can call Gamcare or even better get yourself along to a Gamanon meeting.
You will get some excellent advice on here from people who have been through similar experiences.
I really wish you well and I hope your son decides it time to get some help.
Damo
Thank you both for your comments and I know i have to stop enabling and be stronger.
Damo what made you stop gambling ?
Dear lily1968
It's heartbreaking to hear how your son's gambling is affecting you all. I just want you to know that GamCare is here for you and his partner, as well as your son. At the end of the day, you can't change how your son behaves, or how his girlfriend behaves. The only person you can control is you. You need to look after and protect yourself, for his sake and especially for your own. You know what they say, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Why not give us a call on the GamCare helpline on 0808 8020 133? Or chat to an adviser on the NetLine.
You've had some great support from forum users here, so keep posting,
best wishes,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
That’s a very good question and not an easy one for me to answer.
Some people get found out and it all starts from there...that didn’t happen to me.
I remember my last night of gambling like it was yesterday, I hadn't really slept well for a while but I worked away from home so wasn’t around people at night. I wasn’t concentrating at work and it felt like I had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders.
That night I lost a whole load of money and I just couldn’t do it to myself anymore. It was the first time I had really blown it since I had met my wife and had a son. The thought of what I put them through (without them knowing of my gambling) was what gave the drive to turn my life around.
I called my mum and told her everything, didn’t hide a single thing from her that night. Not because I wanted help but because I needed to tell someone and then in the morning I started the process of cleaning up the mess. It took me a long time to get as far as I have but these days I can look at myself in the mirror.
Sorry If I went on a bit there and to be honest I actually got a bit teary writing it.
Its not an easy thing to get over, however it can be done but at times it will need tough love and that’s the one thing you can control.
I really wish you and your son well.
Damo
Thank you for your replies and Damo for tell me your story. I told my son today that if he did not contact gamcare and get some help then I will not help him or his girlfriend with money. He has asked me to pay the money back to her that he gambled £500, I have told him I will not even discuss it, unless he contacts gamcare and starts getting help, is this the right thing to do ?
Hi
I'm sorry to see what's going on.
Bailing him out doesn't help as you've found to your cost. Personally I would start drawing the line starting with the £500 he's stolen. It's his to pay back as indeed are all and any other debts he may have run up. No discussion. No conditions. A gambler won't stop until the pain of stopping is less than the pain of continuing. All the time he has a safety net (you) there's no incentive for him even to begin to look for help. He needs to do it for him and because he wants to, not to please or placate anyone else. The only way you can hasten the moment that happens (and it may never) is to leave him to deal with the consequences of what he's doing.
Hi Lily yes but be careful of 'deals'. Don't say if you do this, I'll do that. It's fine to say you're not paying anymore of his bills or debt. It's his debt and he's used to you paying it for him. He needs to get help full stop. He could ask for help and never follow through, say he's doing counselling and not turn up. You have to see change. But you have to change you and you've made the first step. The thing is not to pay at all. He stole from her, he has to pay it back. Time to face up to what he's doing. If you pay her and he promises to pay you back, it won't work. It's going to be tough, he'll beg or get angry , anything to get you to pay. Secure your finances, and valuables. Try and stay strong. Get some help for you too.
If you can see for yourself that your financial “help” is simply paying for his gambling, then it becomes easier to refuse to continue. You’ll still need support, available via GamAnon and GC counselling. The onus is on you to take that help.
Stopping your enabling doesn’t mean that he’ll immediately go for help. That’s fine, provided that you’re stopping for your own sake first and foremost, so there is a purpose and the purpose is not to manipulate him. If he’s prepared to get help, then he will get help, regardless of what you do or don’t do. The reality is that things will seem worse before they seem better but all change is difficult. People change when staying as they are becomes the worse option.
Keep the focus on you.
CW
Thank you for all your advice again it is really helping and I do know deep down that I cannot give him any money. But what happens if he turns to crime, he knows some seriously bad people and before he has borrowed money and they threated to come around our house, we ended up paying. Has anyone been in this situation as I know my son will go to these people and borrow money and then blackmail us to pay the debt back. He will say they are going to seriously beat him or come to our house and trash the house. I am not sure in this sitution if I am strong enough as I am scared of his safety and ours ?
So sorry for your situation :(. The only thing I know for sure is if you continue giving in to the blackmail (implied or otherwise) this will never end for either of you.
I know you love your son... do what's right and loving for him and let the addict starve to death.
Cathy
Part of the manipulation involves exaggerating what will happen if you don’t pay up.
Remember that gambling is his, the debts are his, the choice to use criminal means to obtain money would be his and the responsibility for the situation is his. Don’t take it from him.
CW
Hi all, nothing really has changed and I am still giving my son money, he tells me he is going to meetings, but I am never sure. I am attending my first anon family group tonight. I am hoping they are going to give me the strength to stop enabling my son, I am very scared for the future for us all and where it will end.
Hi Lilly, has there been any update on your situation?
I wish you and your family all the best.
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