Hi everyone... I frequented these forums often around 9 months - year ago.. When I found out my partner of three years had a gambling problem, it was an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months until eventually he left me... After id decided to stand by him through it all... Yep! It's been hard, really hard but actually a wonderful year of self awareness and growth and developing so much strength as a person too and finding my sparkle again! I miss him terribly every day still, but the old him, not the new one who I've had limited contact with over the last few months. His behaviour and actions have shocked me and the man I knew is definetly gone. I think that's the hardest part. That the person you knew is no more, the addiction and the demons have taken them... Anyway, I was finally doing okay again and feeling back to me until I found out recently he is now with someone new.. Who I knew vaguely of.. And know that she gambles too. When he left he said he was going to fight his demons and find his way back to me... But it's very clear now he hasn't taken that path and to be honest chosen the gambling over me - the 'love of his life'... We had an amazing relationship until that, I honestly couldn't fault it on any level and we were so happy together, had bought a home together and were planning our future. after finding out who he's with i just feel so so sad and heartbroken for him... That he's chosen that life, he is the most intelligent man I know and is capable of being something so successful in life... But I know, and my friends keep telling me I can't fight this battle for him and keep trying to help him.. Even after all he's done to me! Which has been awful! Does anyone else feel this too? I'm starting to feel like an idiot and a mug because my friends don't understand how I can still want to help him after all of this..?! I think it's because I know the man underneath it all. I really need to know that other people feel the same, I'm going a bit mad and it's consuming all of my thoughts again.
Also, my friends have suggested I go to a gam anon meeting... Can I go even though we've been apart for all this time and I'm no longer with him? Do I just turn up? I've tried to call the helpline but it rings for a while then cuts off!
Any words appreciated. Thank you.
I'm a CG so prob not best placed to comment about the relationship but stands to reason that you will feel broken hearted now he has moved on! You are right that he has chosen gambling though...A relationship where he can probably continue to gamble & one in which I expect he anticipates a lot less guilt, he has not chosen her over you!
As for the meetings, I went to my first GA meeting on Monday...I've not gambled (except the lottery which is a decision I have not taken lightly & continue to re-evaluate) since August last year! There are no time frames, the support is ther whether we are day 1 or day 1 million & 1...I can't see why Gamanon would be any different especially when you need it now as much as you ever had!
I know this may sound like empty words but this is not personal, addiction is strong & he has chosen addiction & whilst active, he can never be the man you knew!
Time to start looking after you - ODAAT
Hi SL90,
I too am now separated from my husband of over 20 years and the divorce is ticking along. He left in August but it really doesn't get any easier. I know exactly how you feel. I'm still consumed by the whole thing, still read this forum everyday. The pain and hurt doesn't evaporate when they leave. My family has been ripped apart and I'm left trying to piece it together. Worst still he did nothing to stop himself gambling for the 8 months after I found out but since he's left he's done loads. Which ofcourse is a great thing but leaves me questioning if I did the right thing, if I should have tried harder, for longer. I went to a couple of gamanon meetings and the people were all lovely but their partners were all next door firmly on the road to recovery whilst mine was sat at home with his head in the sand so I felt like I could never be a member of their club and it just made me feel even more lonely. I too know that my husband is the kindest man but he got lost and consumed in addiction or did I make him unhappy which lead him to gambling- I just don't know anymore. My head is frazzled. When you've been lied to for so long you can't trust your own judgement. I still want to help my husband, I still love him. I don't think you are an idiot or a mug but I do think we have to try to move on as you sounded like you were doing so well. Your friends are right that you can't rescue him. I thought I could fix my husband but we all know it's just not possible. I totally understand how you feel.
Hope you manage to keep moving forward.
Thank you ODAAT, your words mean a lot and I appreciate it coming from someone who is in his shoes. Well done on being gamble free for such a long time, and I hope the ga meetings are helping.
Katiecola I remember you from the beginning of the year and remember your story helping me a lot, as that did those words. I'm sorry that you separated, I really am because I know how crippingly painful it is... I have been in some very dark places over the last year, and sometimes still slip back in to them as I did last week.. It's the not being able to understand or comprehend the choices they are making no that's so hard. Giving all you can possibly give to help them and it still not be enough. It does consume all of you. But you're right, we need to move on, that is so much easier said than done and I'm willing myself to get there and let go completely but I'm just not there yet - I'm still hanging on by a pinky! Hoping one day he will wake up and realise and just accept my help... But I think the person he has now chosen to be with is a complete reflection of how he feels about himself. It's really really sad.
Surround yourself by family and friends, laugh and enjoy life, engage in new experiences and make new happy memories.. It's how I've got through it so far. Accept those feelings of pain and don't fight them off. I think a part of me will always deeply love him, the way I see it is we never really fell out of love... All his demons and issues just overcame him so much that everything he cared about went out the window and didn't matter to him anymore, me being the biggest part of that. He let me go because he felt so undeserving of the things in his life. He kept saying at one point he needed to be punished for what he had done... I've read a lot about CG's and the majority states they really do hate themselves. I might be right or wrong but that view helps me, makes me not blame myself. We can't. I think what you described there is my biggest fear about the meeting... I think I'll start coming back on here again and see how I feel about going in the new year. Thank you. Your words really helped tonight. take care xxx
Hi, SL90,
Sorry to hear that he's still pulling your strings.
I go to GamAnon, in our group there are a lot of parents and other family members, some spouses and the CGs are not all in recovery. I do recommend it, in particular I recommend the literature that addresses the CG behaviour and how they interact with their nearest and dearest. One aspect is that whilst active, the relationship with the wife becomes dependant, the CG behaves immaturely, the wife starts out trying to save him from himself, the mother/wife boundaries end up blurring. The process of separating the wife/mother boundaries isn't easy and some CGs simply don't want a spouse relationship, they go off to form another unhealthy dependency relationship instead. I don't know how much of this applies to you but it's still worth reading. If you can get an overview, see it as yet another aspect of addict behaviour, perhaps it would be less personal to you and less painful.
I'm going to take my own advice now, I'm presently taking my husband's behaviour v personally.
Katie, you did try. Hard and for a long time. For goodness sake don't beat yourself up. Also, the fact of actually losing the family has made him accept help. Not all do, even then.
Look after yourselves.
CW
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