Hi,
I'm new to the forums but not to compulsive gambling.
My husband is a compulsive gambler. We've been married 9 years and the entire time he's been gambling.
He's had counselling of varies types, he went to Gordon moody residential rehab (which was hard on me and especially our two children). I've supported him over the years, he stops and then he starts again. (I've had two years of counselling through gamcare which has been really insightful.)
It's always the same pattern. I notice the signs, I ask him if he's gambling, he lies to my face. I find out, either from his phone, finding new betting slips or w**********l plus cards etc. I confront him. He still denies it. Once I tell him I know he will eventually tell me and will tell me how bad it is.
He then promises to stop. We find him a different method of helping him stop. He stops for a few weeks or a few months... and then we go through it a again.
He's a classic GA, manipulative, liar and has cheated on me. He was also violent on more than one occasion. But I always saw the best in him. I always had faith in him that he could get better and work on being gamble free. I have always said I'd help him if he just talks to me, the money is one thing but the lies are what we can't get past. (I've had control of the finances etc but he gets cash through work and his Dad has enabled him for years. His Dad was a GA too.)
Three months ago I asked my husband if he was gambling and he lied to my face yet again. I already knew the truth but I so wanted him to just face it so we could do something about it.
It was the final straw. I told him to leave. He said "this is your choice", "you're breaking up our family". I stayed strong. After silently sulking and ignoring me he then told me it's all my fault and then he left.
He is still gambling, this week he put a ВЈ600 bet on cricket.( He told me.) He also bought himself a £100 football shirt. It's so frustrating when he's taken so much of my money (without my knowledge) and has wiped out the kids savings over the years. Not to mention the money my Dad gave me before he died last year. (My husband assaulted someone at work and lost his job the week after my Dad died. He blamed it on the death of my Dad and then he set to work gambling everything he could. I used my Dads money to feed us etc. I don't even think I've really grieved tbh.)
I know that not being with him is better for the kids and I. But dealing with the aftermath, finding our new "normal" is hard. Between us we are working out childcare and it's working at the moment. We've talked finances too. So those are positives.
But I guess what I could do with is some emotional support. I got in from work late last night and broke down in front of him (he was here looking after the kids). He just stood there and looked at me. Said he wasn't going to change and this is my choice because I can't accept him addiction and all. Said our vows were "for better for worse" but said I've decided I don't want him. He watched me cry and then he left.
I hoped so much that he would sort himself out. That maybe this time would be the wake up call he needed. But I guess actually this is easier for him, he can gamble pretty much guilt free and still see his kids. I was just a burden to him.
It's all left me feeling pretty lonely, exhausted and worthless if I'm honest.
I've read forums and GA stuff lots of times, I know this is how it seems to go. They'll tread you into the ground, leave you with nothing and tell you it's your fault.
I'm doing my best but I'm struggling right now. My kids have been fantastic, they're 8 and 10. They've both said that home is calmer and more relaxed with out him here and we do muddle along together OK.
Like I said I know it's the right thing, doesn't stop it hurting though.
Sorry for the looong first post.
Thank you if you've read this far,
L
Hi L this is the worst thing about living with or being married to a compulsive gambler. You seem to have done everything to help him regardless of him wanting to stop or not. You need help for you. You have been massively affected by his gambling . You can't help him, change him, fix it, stop it. You can only change you. He has become emotionless and detached from reality due to his gambling. If you went to a gamanon meeting you would learn how to deal with all the rubbish an addict involves you in. You have to recover too. I've had the gamcare counselling too, I found it conflicting. The best place is a meeting where you will get support, real experience and genuine help.
Agree with MGR... you have done more than enough to salvage this. Please have a read back over your post. What would you tell a friend or sister if they told you this story.
Addicts have an incredible gift for taking those nearest and dearest down into the muck and mire with them and we still never feel we have done enough to help. Get yourself to a Gam Anon or a CodA meeting pronto. As MGR says you need the support, real experience and genuine help from people who live this.
Cathyx
You've done far, far more than many would have done. You've exhausted every route and you have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for. Life with an active CG is a chaotic hell and however hard it is now you and the kids will reap the long term benefits of refusing to tolerate the intolerable any more. Sounds like they're already kicking in.
hi there as a compulsive gambler [nearly 2 years GF] myself i can only imagine what you have been through as i put my wife through the same thing... him blaming it on you and saying its your decision to break up your family should be enough for you to make the decision that this is the end. he is basically telling you he is never going to stop [ i expect his finances are much worse than you know so he thinks it is the only option to carry on.] you cannot make him stop.... i stopped as i knew one more time and i would lose my family and i was not going to let that happen for the sake of a few spins on a wheel... if he really thinks that those few spins are more important than your family well then im sorry he is a total idiot and you deserve more... only he can decide to stop and by the sounds of it so far he has no intentions of doing so.... i am sorry and i hope you can find peace with it all..
good luck
tunnie x
Hi all,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
Your support is very much appreciated.
I know what you're telling me is absolutely right and I totally agree. When I put emotion to one side its so obvious. I guess it's those feelings I have to work through and yes... Recover myself.
I'm going to look into meetings, I think that would help greatly.
At the moment he's telling me "I'm happier now, I have gambling under control and everything is fine" I don't believe it for a second but it does still hurt. I know it's manipulation, I know he's trying to hurt me by saying he's happier without me. He's now technically a homeless gambling addict, how happy can he really be!?
It's time to start working on me and start moving forward. I have a meeting with a solicitor tomorrow to discuss divorce, finances, childcare etc.
The kids are defo more relaxed and we've been having a great time as it's the summer holidays. I have been trying to book things to keep us busy.
I know I have a struggle ahead still, I know he's going to try everything to make this as miserable as possible and I won't lie this is terrifying.
Thank you for your support again, it's so helpful to have it from people who understand.
(Friends and family are great but they don't know what living with a CG is like.)
Hoping I'll feel a bit more in control again after my meeting with solicitor tomorrow.
L
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