Trust

Hi Katiecola,

Thank you for your reply. Well since that evening, he showed his true colours and started turning things around and blaming me! He gave me a choice which was he wasn't going to stop seeing his friends (the bad influence ones) and was going to cut down on the clubbing and drinking (said that last time and he still kept going out most of the time behind my back) and when we were both free, then we would do things together and said the ball was in my court. I turned round and told him that he had hurt me too much and I didn't trust him anymore and then he started turning nasty as if it was my fault! I am now not replying to any of his or his mum's texts because I can't deal with it anymore.

I was exactly the same a few days ago! They don't realise the hurt they are causing to us! How are things with you and your husband?

hmmmm, doesnt sound like he's quite ready does it?

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, that is all too much to put up with.

How you feeling?

Hi Leanne,

How's things now? Is he still trying to contact you? Stay strong and trust your judgment.

I'm still struggling to be honest. Can't see a happy solution to my situation. If he stays I have to grit my teeth and try not to let the resentment take over. If he goes me and my girls will be in an even worse financial position than we are already. I'm not sure I could manage all the bills just on my wage. There just doesn't seem to an answer to this mess.

Hi, yeah I completely agree with you and I don't think he is ready to change. Everything would be exactly the same as it was before where he would be going out clubbing with his friends and I would be sitting at home managing his financies! I would like someone who would want to be with me and look after me and someone that I can trust. I hated feeling insecure and worrying everytime he was out with 'those friends' and he knows that as we have had disagreements about it before. I'm feeling okay, it was a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment and everything seemed clear and I knew that would be it. He is still texting me every now and then but I'm ignoring his texts now.

Katiecola, you don't want to be living your life in resentment and unhappiness as that's not fair on you or your girls. Have you thought about maybe going on a break from your partner, to give you some time to think things through and for him to realise the severity of the situation and sort himself out?

I had told him that I didn't love him anymore and that we had to split, he had to take that on boarrd and think for a while before he was ready to change. All true too, I didnt have any love and i really didnt care where he went next. But he did start the road to recovery so thats why i'm still here. GA meetings brought about a very big change in him, because he wanted the change. Trust your judgement, and if you dont know what you think, talk to people who understand.

The only person you absolutely have to live with in this life is yourself, so do the right thing by yourself first, the rest of life will fall into place.

Hi I would love to have a break from him but he has no where to go and there is no way I'm leaving my home. Anyway he couldn't possibly afford to go anywhere. Truth is he tells me all the time he'll leave but he doesn't think it through. He knows it's not financially viable. We are meant to be going to GA next week with a meeting for family members so hopefully that will help. Hate the weekends-too much time together.

You sound like you know you have made the right decision. Stick with it.

Thanks pangolin. I think being fooled by his lies for years has made me unable to trust my own judgement. My family and friends all have different opinions on the situation so it's hard to know what to think. I just know it's all c**P and I don't deserve it.

It does make you question everything doesnt it, you dont have to have all the answers in one go, can you get to a Gam anon meeting?

I really hope life will sort itself out soon. For my first serious relationship, I really wasn't expecting all this! We haven't spoken to each other in 2 days which feels really odd but completely necessary! Thank you for your advice both of you, it really is appreciated.

Katiecola, has he got any family or friends that would be willing to put him up for a couple of nights just so it gives you a break? You should definitely not leave your home as you have done nothing wrong and you definitely don't deserve it!

Little update for you, he has just text me saying that if I want to chat in person instead of doing everything through text, he is free on Sunday. So baring in mind, he has made no effort up until this point to me, it now wants to meet up. I have text him back saying I don't know what else there is to talk about and that he has made it clear that he is not willing to change things if we were to get back together. It completely threw me as I thought I was doing okay up until now.

Another update for you, he has once again turned really nasty and said that I take things too seriously and that it was really out of order and very controlling of me to tell him not to see his friends anymore! (Bad Influence ones) he then went on to say that there were a few things that I did that P****d him off (yet to find out exactly what they are) to which I replied don't think it is as bad as gambling, lying and going out getting drunk behind my back. Sorry to rant but I am so angry!

Hi Leanne

just been reading your updates. Stay strong. You can move on from this relationship and be free from all the hassle. Remember to listen to your head!

Thank you for your help! He wanted to meet up tomorrow to talk things through but I said I don't know what else there is to say and he got nasty again! I then found out today that he has been telling his mum everything but has been twisting it around to make me look bad! She has been telling him what to text me and saying that it's completely out of order that I asked him to get rid of his friends that were a bad influence so once again she has been meddling in our relationship! He didn't have the balls to say how he really felt instead it was his mum telling him what to do! It definitely made me realise that I did the right thing.

Hi Leanne

I was just wondering how you are getting on? Good I hope.

Hi Katiecola,

Thank you for your comment. I'm getting there slowly. I have good days and bad days but I'm doing okay. After the previous comment I put on here, we didn't text each other for a week, just to give each other a bit of time. I was the one that text him first (unfortunately I was having a down day) just to see how he was. We have reached a mutual agreement that we will remain as friends and when he is a bit better, we will meet up just to see one another as it's been nearly 3 weeks since we last saw each other and that's the longest we have been apart. My family, close friends and work colleagues think I should just get rid of him completely but it is hard to completely let go when he was such a big part of my life. I can't see a future with him but I can see us being friends. I said I would rather that than nothing at all. What do you think? How are things with you?

Hi Leanne,

I'm really glad to hear from you again.

I think it must be very hard for you to lose him completely from your life. Just be careful. Your family and friends must want you to steer clear for a reason.

I've decided that I have done all I can for my husband. Now it is up to him. He needs to beat this and I've accepted that I can only support him when he is ready. We went to a GA meeting -again my idea. I went to the family meeting and found it very helpful. He said it wasn't for him. No great surprise to me. I will continue to attend even if he doesn't. He has to take responsibility for his debt etc whilst I remain vigilant with the finances. I feel relieved actually. I've spent the last 3 months trying to fix him but I now know that only he can do it. I need to concentrate on my girls and get back to normal life.

I really hope you too are focusing on your future. X