two years ago my husband had a really bad gambling problem and racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and had no choice but to get through it. I still haven't really forgiven him for all the lies and deceit. The problem I have nowadays is that I can't trust him with a penny of money. He goes to GA meetings every week and apart from one very small relapse, he has been clean for 6 months.
If I give him 20 pounds and i know the item i need is 10, i question him as soon as he's back to how much it cost and if i can get the change back. I feel really bad doing this and obviously its to protect my hard-earned cash but still feel like i'm his mum.
Also, he gets an allowance every week, he feels after this amount of time he can be trusted to get his month's allowance and he'll be fine. we tried it last month and he overspent so I had to fork out the money he needed. I think his problem is he was never taught how to budget his money and gowing up it was basically if you don't have it, borrow. Which isn't a great way to bring your son up.
I'm really good at budgeting and saving (wen we have the money to save!) which has been a godsend when it comes to paying off debt. I hate juggling. Anyway, sorry i'm rambling here, my point is:
Can I ever get the trust back again where I can give him money and be ok about it?
In what ways can I teach him on how to budget and spend money?
thanks for your help in all this, this is a great way to get stuff off your chest that my friends just wouldn't understand.
Hi Weesis
You can't control whether he gambles again or not. If he wants to he will and worrying about it will drive you slowly insane. My advice would be to lock the finances down such that if he were to slip any damage would be minimal and make sure you have access to his credit reports from every agency. Noddle (Callcredit) and Clearscore (Equifax) are free and Experian have finally started to offer a free service via MSE's Credit Club.
Ask for receipts and sight of goods. Don't feel bad about it. He lost the right to be trusted running up debt behind your back. It's not wise to trust a gambler. If they're still active they can and will look you in the eye and lie. You need to see proof of everything he says. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he asks (he never does) but he's never going to have unscrutinised access to them again. He's fine with that. It's one of the consequences to the way he behaved.
Thank you so much for your post. That's really helped me realise I'm not insane.
I'll protect myself.
Hi Weesis, welcome to the forum 🙂
In answer to your question of how, I don't think you can, not unless he is willing to learn! The CG that I am wonders what on earth he could have been daft enough to 'overspend' on when it was his 1st opportunity to prove to you he is capable? When I 1st surrendered my finances, I was @ the stage where I considered I needed to be able to access hundreds, maybe even thousands of pounds in order to 'have a play'. A couple of weeks in, I was contemplating scrapping around in my purse for pennies so I could 'scratch an itch'. Sounds to me like he has never had to take responsibility for his poor money management especially since he has you to fork out for any shortfall. If you are minded to try this again, make sure he knows that you won't be bailing him out again.
Money aside, it must be incredibly difficult to function with a small child knowing that you have never gotten over the hurt. This is where you need to do something for you. He's not your child, he's your husband & managing someone's money is super stressful in itself. Can you get to a GamAnon meeting to get some real life support for you, people who really do understand & can help you process some of your thoughts?
You're definitely not insane & if I were your husband, I'd be begging for you to teach me how to manage my money. Most people wanting to stop report a huge weight lifted off of them when they hand over their finances...The fact that he is trying to get his back after a measly 6 months sets of alarm bells & suggests to me he doesn't 'get it' yet.
Do everything you can to look after yourself & your baby, financially & physically - ODAAT
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