I'm completely new to all this and not quite sure if I want to just get everything off my chest or if anyone has any answers...
My fiancГ© has a gambling problem...and I'm not really sure where to start. Thousands and thousands of pounds have been lost. A couple of years ago he'd finally finished paying a loan to pay off these debts and I thought our life could start, only to find out he'd run up even more debt again from gambling. And this is the story for numerous occasions since then.
Our relationship to be quite honest has had its ups and downs. Because of the past I have major trust issues and I find the lies about gambling make me question
the past I have major trust issues and I find the lies about gambling make me question everything he says. He does think I'm ridiculous in thinking this way, and that when he lies about gambling it's completely different. I'm struggling to understand this as to me a lie is a lie?
The only arguments we have are to do with money and for this reason alone we split our money, but I feel this made things worse. I now keep his bank card so that any money he takes out or uses on the internet has to go through the joint, but now he's used an old credit card (that he told me he'd cancelled ). So back to square one again!
I find he gets really defensive and short with me if we try and discuss gambling or money, it's just really hard work.
Seeing the debt he has really gets him down and he sees his only way to get out of it is to gamble and win enough to pay it back. He won't speak to anyone as says it won't help, but I don't know what I can say to change his mindset on this.
His mum has previously loaned him the money which he pays back each month, but this cannot be his get out clause every time. Another option that has been suggested is that he borrows money on the mortgage. I have mixed feelings on this: on one hand I think it'd really help him see that he doesn't have the debt hanging over him, and we can properly start to save for our future and plan the wedding of our dreams. On the other I feel he sees this as another 'easy' get out and he's not having to work to pay this back. And I worry that he'll think this is an option to use again like he his with the loans from his mum. Also I don't know how I feel taking on his debt on our house and me working to help pay it back. I've recently had a baby and didn't qualify to have smp as I'd recently moved jobs, so my time off has solely been what I have saved from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I earn less than he does and still even on maternity leave have paid half to everything, not once has it been suggested by him that he could pay a little more so that I could have longer off work with our daughter. Yet I'm now being asked to use our mortgage to help him. He says that we can put in writing that whatever he borrows that the first x£'s would be to me-but what if the house sells for less than we have borrowed!?
If we did decide to go down this route and he had another set back I genuinely don't know what I'd do-I'd be absolutely furious. My patience is starting to wear thin with it all, and I'm losing sympathy as I hear the same 'I'm sorry speech' every single time. He seems to put guilt on me for this also; me asking whether he can afford a night away results in responses like 'this is why I gamble' and 'people do stupid things because of this, I sometimes wish I wasn't here'. So then I feel more pressure about using the mortgage as I hate him feeling this way.
Seriously don't know what to do for the best anymore but our daughter is my priority and I don't want her to grow up with the tension of this still hanging about
Hi
Sorry to see this. If he wanted to give up there are things he could do to limit his access to gambling immediately but it's so much easier to blame everything around and make excuses as to why XYZ won't help.
If he doesn't want to give up he won't and there isn't anything you can do or say to help until he does. Bailing him out isn't the answer either. If he's constantly cushioned against the consequences of his actions he has no incentive to change. I would advise very strongly against taking out debt you could (and very likely would) be made liable for especially if it's secured on the house you live in.
If he's serious about giving up he needs to show it. The same old tired wooly lies just don't cut it. There are things he could do today which would limit his access to gambling but he hasn't suggested any of them. Trust your instincts and don't trust a word he says without seeing proof for yourself. Read up on the addiction and think hard about what you want and deserve from a life partner. Put yourself and your interests first. Unless and until he gives up gambling you're the only one who will. .
Hi Rach
Welcome to the forum, you have had some great advice from Lethe and you will find some great support here. This forum has many members, some are gamblers and some are friends and family and are affected by others gambling like you. Hopefully you will be able to hear and benefit from their differen t perpectives.
Coping with the consequences of problem gambling can be a very frustrating and deeply worrying time. You may want to look at attending a Gam-Anon meeting. Gam-Anon is a fellowship of men and women who are partners, relatives or close friends who have been affected by the gambling problem. Dealing with the consequences can also be very isolating discussing your particular concerns with like minded people who have maybe been through some of the same problems might help you to clarify your thinking. You can find more information here:- http://www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=gam+anon+uk&*
There are options for your partner, he can get support if he wants to stop, but he has to want to accept help. If your partner carries on and does not seek help for his gambling, what boundaries can you put in place to protect your daughter and yourself from any financial and emotional affects. It's understandable that you feel like your trust for him is gone, and it's really up to him to earn that back through time and his actions.
I would encourage you to speak to an adviser on our freephone number 0808 8020 133 or on the netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VBhpbfldXww
We'd be happy to speak with you about any of this, and give you some support if you need it. We can also refer you for free one to one counselling in some areas of the country giving you a safe and confidential space where you can explore these issues and get some clarity on what you want to do about your relationship.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
Thank you for your responses - To be fair on this occasion he has now blocked the sites from his phone ( his mum has the code) - which has been a major issue as it's so easy to access. But I just feel paranoid that this could stop and him play them again.
I want to believe that this is the end of it and that he will be trying everything he can to help stop this addiction. And personally I think that's what I need to get my head around, something that seems so simple to me in regards to this isn't necessarily that easy for him.
The gambling aside he is a good man and an amazing dad. I hate seeing him so down about it!
I will have a look at what you have suggested thank you.
Rach
Hi again
There probably isn't a friend and family poster who hasn't wanted to believe it's all over but the truth is it's a dangerous belief because it leaves us open to the manipulation and lies that go with active addiction. The self pity can be pretty epic too. It's a good move to try not to fall for it and bear in mind you're the rational one in this and it's you who gets to call the shots. Instead of wallowing he could be thinking of practical things to do to start addressing the debt and preventing his access to gambling.
I have full financial control and access to everything I want to see from opening post to credit reports from every credit agency. Every asset is in my sole name. Anything Mr L buys goes through an account I monitor daily, I see receipts to make sure there's no cash going out on the sly and he doesn't carry even small change routinely. He attends GA weekly and he went for counselling via Gamcare.You could try suggesting some of these changes to him and see how it goes. If he's going to arrest this it's going to mean changes that may well be inconvenient or embarrassing. If he wants it enough he will do whatever it takes. If he balks at anything you want, be wary.
Hi ya,
You seem like such a lovely genuine person. I personally wouldn't secure any debt from gambling on your mortgage....that is your and the little one's security. A roof over your head..Any debt he has got himself into, needs to be paid back by him. Support him, but don't give him the money. He will just see it as an easy way to gamble again. Unless he addresses the issue that he has, he will never recover from it. I am sure he is a good man and a good dad, but gmabling blinds people. It makes them do things that you rationally wouldn't expect from them. Protect what is yours, if he wants to quite that badly, there are counselling, and blocks and self exclusion.
Good Luck x
Julie
I'd say protect you & your daughter from him by putting your foot down & not letting him gamble away the house.
Sounds like he's barely doing anything in order to quit or get help.
Money doesn't help a compulsive gambler. He probably wins large amounts on occasion & just carries on playing until it's gone.
That's the nature of the beast, very often it's not even about winning money.
Take care of yourselves & look after you.
Hi your post made me really sad.i too have my problems with my partner she's joined this site though and has also put up k9 on her laptop although it's not on her mobile. I too have a lot of trust issues if someone's gonna lie about one thing they can lie about absolutely anything. I feel low depressed and have no one to turn to I just hope she keeps itnup it took a lot for her to get help cause all she did is say she doesn't have a problem.i hope your partner makes the right choice I too have my own post on here somewhere , it's just good to be able to express my feelings. I really hope he will try for you cause I believe if someone truly loves you they would do absolutely anything for that person. Good luck and you've always got this forum to have a stress to
Just wanted to say hi really and tell you I can relate to everything you are going through.
I found out my partner had a gambling problem during our engagement, 6 years and two children later I can honestly tell you if I knew then what I know how id run for the hills, I'm sorry to say it but I wish I got that advice.
For me the trust issues only get worse. Now it's mixed with resentment. You can't talk about the problem without an explosion, all malipulation so he doesn't have to stop.
My advise is never ever feed the addiction with money!!! Get use to having every asset in your name and often even "family" debt. Credit history for mr is so bad I have to buy everything we need.
When things are bad it takes an emotional toll on my kids especially the older one and I get very emotional too. It's a very very hard and lonely life being married to an addict. It's all very secretive with few places to turn.
I've been through it all, councilling, financial control, self exclusion but he always finds a way and now I accept he always will.
Don't end up like me- you deserve better.
Good luck xxxx
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