Not really sure if this is appropriate jsut after some advise please ...
I found out 6 days ago my partner has a gambling addiction, he has racked up 19 thousand pound debt in less than a year. I knew he had a bet but I never ever thought it was as bad as I’ve come to learn, looking though his bank at the transactions adding up how much in one day ( 7000) it shocked me, made me feel sick and sad and jsut a worldwind of emotions. But also angry as his dad was a gambler, and he got in that much debt they lost their mortgage and had to move cities and are still in a ridiculous amount of debt.
I love my partner with every part of my body and I want to stand by him though all of this but worried due to our very different personalities and way of dealing with things I may be doing more harm than good.
He keeps everything in and isn’t the best at expressing himself, whereas I’m a very all out in the open type of person.
I found out by his mum ringing me, he had told her to tell me as she had asked him a few hours earlier because apparently he was asking to lend a large amount of money which he had borrowed from my and I had been asking for it back. And clearly she’s been through it all before and knows the signs. This worries me as I feel he hasn’t admitted his addiction off his own back he’s sort of been back into a corner of that makes sense?
I wanna talk about it and get all in the open. I feel like due to keeping his gambling a secret for so long and having that weight lifted off his shoulders now he’s told us he should want to try and Be more open about everything but to me it’s as if it’s all still very secretive and we’re pretending nothings going on.
As I’ve sorted all the debt out with step change for him, rang every creditor scanned and sent all the documents opened a new bank for him cancelled all the betting accounts . I Tried to take that stress off him... but now I feel he thinks oh the Moneys sorted I’m paying it back let’s pretend it’s all normal. But not addressing the actual issues off his one back, like I’m pestering him about the steps he needs to take like “ have you spoke to gam care” “have you rang the doctors” ect ect... I’m worried if I push too much it’s not going to work for him but he hasn’t actually told anyone himself .. and i don’t think hats a good sign ...
Sorry if I have waffled on too much...
Emilly x
Hi Emily. Sorting all his debt etc just sets him free to gamble again. It's his mess. He needs to admit his problem. He has to want to stop. Don't pay his debts. Get support for yourself. Gamanon meetings are for partners and relatives. If he doesn't want to stop he won't.
By sorting I meant for in touch with stwpchange and consolidated it, I’m not paying it he is xxx
Hi Emily
I am a gambler on the road to recovery, I hope you will take this advice and to put it bluntly, don't take any c**P or lies off your partner. The following is a list of things I and many gamblers do.
1- We lie, cheat and deceive in order to keep gambling without being found out
2- We are secretive and never open or honest regarding our finances, bank acounts, credit cards, loans etc.
3- We can be moody and difficult to be around, we are also in denial and do not like to face facts or take responsibility.
There are so many other elements of being a gambling addict I could tell you, but I will now tell you what you should do regarding your partners gambling problem.
If he is serious about quitting then he should open up and admit he is a gambling addict, if he is not willing to talk or take responsibility, then he is in denial. Futhermore I am certain he will continue to gamble if that is his attitude.
Demand full access to his Credit file, equifax, experian etc, so you can check if there are secret loans and credit cards he has. Also tell him you want full access to his bank details, in fact he should be willing to give you his debit cards, credit cards and anything that will prevent him from having funds to gamble with, perfectly reasonable if he really wants to quit. He should have money just for petrol, food shopping etc. But you must demand he provides you with a receipt for everything. Make him account for every penny.
I warn you not to trust his word, demand all of the above and let him know you do not trust him and get tough on him while protecting your own finances. Do not pay his debts, because gamblers love that, it enables them to keep gambling, as someone else has bailed them out of the mess they created.
Sorry for the long post, I wanted you to hear it from a gamblers perspective, and the measures that my wife and I have taken, so I do not destroy my life or hers through gambling anymore. I do not have access to my debit card, my wife has all the credit cards I took out to gamble with, and she checks my credit file every 2 weeks to make sure I am not slyly applying for credit behind her back.
I am a faithful husband and my wife knows she can trust me around other women. But sadly she cannot trust me to be responsible with money. She is right.
I hope things work out, keep posting.
I think deep down, you know whether he’s ready to face up to things. By the sound of it, he really isn’t ready to face up to his problem just yet. You may have to be prepared to make some tricky decisions, about the future. In the meantime, take the advice from ***. Make sure that he has no access to anything financial- and check on him every day if needed. It’s horrible, but protect yourself!
Hi Emilly
How are things going with your partner, have you made any progress with him?
greenflash wrote:
Hi Emily
I am a gambler on the road to recovery, I hope you will take this advice and to put it bluntly, don't take any c**P or lies off your partner. The following is a list of things I and many gamblers do.
1- We lie, cheat and deceive in order to keep gambling without being found out
2- We are secretive and never open or honest regarding our finances, bank acounts, credit cards, loans etc.
3- We can be moody and difficult to be around, we are also in denial and do not like to face facts or take responsibility.
There are so many other elements of being a gambling addict I could tell you, but I will now tell you what you should do regarding your partners gambling problem.
If he is serious about quitting then he should open up and admit he is a gambling addict, if he is not willing to talk or take responsibility, then he is in denial. Futhermore I am certain he will continue to gamble if that is his attitude.
Demand full access to his Credit file, equifax, experian etc, so you can check if there are secret loans and credit cards he has. Also tell him you want full access to his bank details, in fact he should be willing to give you his debit cards, credit cards and anything that will prevent him from having funds to gamble with, perfectly reasonable if he really wants to quit. He should have money just for petrol, food shopping etc. But you must demand he provides you with a receipt for everything. Make him account for every penny.
I warn you not to trust his word, demand all of the above and let him know you do not trust him and get tough on him while protecting your own finances. Do not pay his debts, because gamblers love that, it enables them to keep gambling, as someone else has bailed them out of the mess they created.
Sorry for the long post, I wanted you to hear it from a gamblers perspective, and the measures that my wife and I have taken, so I do not destroy my life or hers through gambling anymore. I do not have access to my debit card, my wife has all the credit cards I took out to gamble with, and she checks my credit file every 2 weeks to make sure I am not slyly applying for credit behind her back.
I am a faithful husband and my wife knows she can trust me around other women. But sadly she cannot trust me to be responsible with money. She is right.
I hope things work out, keep posting.
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