Trying to understand

the low self esteem si a common feature with the gamblers, whether it is part of the reason they gamble or comes later as a result of all the lies theyve told and people they have hurt, low self esteem is an issue. it's his issue and he has to deal with it, has to start being someone he can be proud of, has to start confronting his gambling. he is lucky to have people who still love him around him, you're doing enough, dont take his eotional wellbeing on your shoulders too, grown adults are emotionally self sufficient, he will have to learn this for himself.

Thank you. It's difficult not to feel low about yourself when you find out your partner gambles as it means they enjoy spending time in a betting shop more than they do at home, with you, isn't it... He says he feels like a failure and I now feel like that too and keep thinking of what I could have done differently for him to be a more confident person; I know his mum and dad are questioning themselves too, trying to work out where they might have gone wrong and failed him as parents.

I showed him this website and he called the helpline; I really hope he does go and see someone face to face though who might be able to help him built his confidence and feel better about himself so he doesn't need to look for confirmations of his self worth elsewhere. It's all still very raw but I know I need to call the helpline too otherwise it's just going to destroy me.

its very complicated, its not anyones fault, it just is.

he doesnt actually enjoy gambling more than he enjoys being with you, most of the time he hates it and himself, but he cannot stop, it is a compulsion, an illness, its not a moral issue where he decides whether he wants x or y more, he cant stop, thats the really scary thing about it, we have no power over any of it, its something in his head that he has to battle for himself.

so many of the people who come to gam anon meetings are parents, it is heartbreaking to see them soul searching, blaming themselves for the problem or for not spotting it sooner, but it really isnt their fault or anyones, it just happens.

do call the helpline or come to a meeting, or both, none of this is your fault, but as you say, it does slowly destroy you, get some help to save yourself and hopefully he will too

Found out yesterday he took and lost part of the wedding fund... Should I even be marrying a man I cannot trust...? Is there hope - for him, for me, our family? Does it get better? Do people successfully quit gambling and lead normal, honest lives? Do their partners learn to ever trust them again? Because at the moment it just seems it's a constant stress and worry. Every day something else comes up, I kind of expect every day now to find out that he did something stupid and low and hurtful.

We had a massive row last night when he told me about taking the wedding money. He left and not long after I was visited by our local vicar who said my partner came to talk to him and told him everything about his addiction. I'm glad he starts to admit he's got a problem and to share it with other people.

Yes it can get better IF everyone involved wants it to get better.

I love my husband completey, probably more than ever and he loves me more too, i trust him with my life and my childrens lives, but i dont trust him with bank cards. It isnt that wierd, lots of couples have one person running the finances, nobody outside their front door knows.

We did break down to the point of splitting up, which is when he finally admitted the problem and took all the steps he could to start putting things right for himself and for us

and i remember well the feeling of something new and hurtful everyday, even after the gamblers have stopped gambling, you just realise things that you had assumed were true were lies and it hurts all over again. as someone very wise on here joked to me "it is the gift that keep on giving", it takes time and alot of talking. It took me months to relax with mr P, to let him in the bedroom again, i still dont think i have forgiven as such, but we have a very happy life at the moment, he has a weakness, he keeps it in check and i stay vigilant.

Sometims i even like his problem, because it takes the pressure off me to be some sort of domestic goddess, i can just be me, he is what he is, we live in some peace na d serenity now. Dont give up yet, but dont get complacent either. keep reading our stories, keep talking.

It's early days and it seems such a mess at the moment... I was thinking of calling off the wedding; we're not even married yet and already have to cope with something like that... Would it help anyone though? We've committed to each other long time ago by having a child and the wedding seems just a formality; 'for better and worse, in sickness and in health' etc etc... Would I stop loving him if he told me he suffered from a physical illness? No. I'd still stand by him and support him in getting better. But for now, I'm constantly on edge, waiting to find out about or simply realising more money was lost and there were more lies.

I think (hope?) that taking and losing our wedding money scared him and made him reaslise that what was meant to be harmless fun turned out to be an addiction that took hold of him and made him do some terrible, low things that he's ashamed of. He's seeing someone on Monday to arrange councelling and we've agreed on some practical changes to our everyday routine to make it easier for him to fight the temptation and for me to regain some peace of mind. Reading your last post really gives me hope that two people who love and care for each other could fight this together and lead reasonably normal lives as long as they want to. Thank you.

Its all about the continued recovery. Right now he seems to be working on his addiction but I'd be wary if he started using words like cured or if he thought he could still place a bet or two.

Thank you for all the posts. It's still early days and I've got a lot to learn about gambling addiction, it's mechanisms, living with a gambler etc so everything you say is very helpful.

I am extremelly wary and understand my partner is the only person who can work on his addiction; I don't want to kid myself and I of course realise it is a long and difficult process and he is the one who has to see it through with other people's support. From partner's perspective, what would you suggest are the best way to support a recovering gambler?

So far, it seems he is taking the right steps - admitting to his addiction, calling it a problem, attending GamCare assessment session, asking me to take charge of his bank cards, installing a tracker on his mobile and calling me on his way from work etc. Early days though, so we'll have to see how it goes. It's obvious he doesn't quite trust himself and needs someone else to keep tabs on him.

Great news that your both taking this seriously. It bodes well for the future.

I've not had a bet for over a year and I have all the safety measures still in place. If anything i've put more in place in that I went back to Gamblers Anonymous.

Lets hope your partner and yourself keep on track

Thanks for the message triangle, it's good to hear from someone who's recovering as it means people do overcome gambling addiction. Well done for staying clear of bets for a year! It's interesting to know that you still have safety measures; makes me a bit more relaxed thinking that it could be a permanent part of our lives. What would you say help you most during this past year?

Don't think its been just one thing. Its been the combination of continued recovery, counselling, GA and honesty with family and friends as well as myself.

The safety measures help us family too, bit of peace of mind, we have established a new 'normal', the old one wasnt working, no point going back to it. Mr P knows he hasnt gambled, so he knows his recovery is going well, sometimes I worry that he has and he cant reassure me with words because gamblers lie. I can get myself in a right twist if i dont reassure myself that the safety measures are there and just let go of the worry. Thats part of the new normal, safety measures and me not letting things eat away at me.

Well done Triangle, always reassuring to hear from people who are making it work, thankyou, i need to hear it 🙂

How are things going with you aelo25?