Hi everyone
A little while ago my son said to me that he didnt want to gamble any more and would like to turn his life around and could I please help him. Of course I said yes but told him if he was serious it had to be my way and he agreed and said he would do anything I ask. Blocking software was put on his phone, - I was the only person with the pass word, he gave me his bank card and had a little cash each week to buy drinks etc. I would check his bank account regularly and there wasnt anything to give me cause for concern. There havent been any arguments and our home has become a much nicer place to be. He has started talking to me more, not a lot but better than silence or verbal abuse, hes started taking pride in his appearance and there where other little things that made him more like his old pre gambling self. Hes also been going to counselling which he says is helping a lot.
I was aware the whole time that he could be manipulating me but as he was doing what I asked and there wasnt anything to make me suspicous Ive felt optomistic. The only thing that didnt feel right was my husbands attitude, he can not bring himself to talk to our son, he says he's still reeling from some of the things he's said and done and wants an apology from him before he even thinks of talking to him. He told me I was letting my guard down and our son was manipulating me and I couldnt see it. I said of course its a possibilty but if we want to help and support him we have to start somewhere.
It all seemed to be going quite well until the last few days when something has started to feel "off" the gut feeling thing and I thought Id just check a few things out. After some hesitation my son showed me his bank account, and yes there was money in his account and on the surface things looked fine, then right at the bottom of the screen I saw some other numbers and I asked what they were. Up until today only his main (old account) had been listed (or more likely he chose to show me) so I never saw a second account, I had no reason to think there were any others. The look of panic on his face said it all, I grabbed the phone from him and clicked those numbers. o*g what a shock it was another bank account and it listed all his gambling, ( its as bad as ever he was) he's never stopped not even for a day, the account was opened just before he asked for my help. He has been getting money elsewhere as well as his wages too, I think from his girlfriend so a quick check of his account looks ok, theres money in so it doesnt look like its being used. It looks like hes got a card for this account too so no wonder the one he gave me looks like its not being used. Most of his gambling is online so Ive no idea how he got round the blocking software.
I have to be the worlds biggest fool, I feel so hurt and very stupid, I really thought I wouldnt of fallen for his lies again. It disturbs me how calculating he has been, all designed to keep me off the scent. He never had any intention of stopping just wanted me off his back and hes been good, d**n good at the deception. I am still shocked at the lengths he will go to to hide his gambling, I shouldnt be but I am.
Im not sure why Im posting to day, but I feel on my own, husband hasnt helped by saying "told you so" and I feel foolish and very hurt. My husband is the nicest man you could meet but today he isnt helping.
I am so sorry to see that you've been let down by your son again AS67 but don't beat yourself up for it. At the end of the day you were doing your best to try and help him and he took advantage of that. I think we can all remember times when we thought "what an idiot" of ourselves but what's done is done; you can only learn from it and move on. Maybe the difference with how you are dealing with it vs. how your husband is is just down to your maternal instinct kicking in - of course we all want to believe we can trust our families but the sad nature of this addiction makes it very hard to do so. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up over this X
I'm so sorry to hear it but as Orchid says, you're trying to do your best as a mum and it's not your wrongdoing, it's his. He's gone to great lengths to "achieve" his ends.
Where do you go from here though? Am having similar worries about consequences. Perhaps call GamCare?
CW
Hi
Thanks Orchid and Cynical Wife.
I thought I was toughening up a bit and his lies and manipulation wouldnt hurt as much as they used to but they do..
This feels especially cruel, so well thought out, and its that what stings the most. I worry that I'll start screaming at him and never stop. It think you're right Orchid about the Mum thing, I cant help wanting to help him, but obviously thats not working, and it proves that I cant. My husband is a great dad and does love our son but he is much tougher than I am.
I think for now its best I stay out of his way, and do absolutely nothing. I think the best I can hope for now is peaceful Christmas, last year wasn't so good and we'll see where we go in the New Year. I do know one thing for certian and that is that I will not live like this indefinetly, Im just too tired of it all.
Cynical Wife you've been having such a rough time lately, how are you doing ?
Its heart breaking isn't it? As a gambler i remember my own tall tales, lies, deceit and behaviour being served towards this habit / problem / addiction. What's the solution? Some would say abstinence is enough, others who accept the truth that gambling is an addiction know that it might take more help than will power alone. You've been given some amazing experiences and i hope you keep yourself safe while dealing with this. Gamcare offers counselling to both the gambler and their families. Might be worth looking into? Have you looked into group support like GA?
Hi
Half Life you're spot on it is just very hard to believe the lengths my son will go to, even after all the things he's done Im stil shocked by low he can sink. I think this is so hard because I am his Mum, and for the life of me I just cant see how this happened. I have one child who is a happy well adjusted person with a great life and yet the other is a compulsive gambler. They are both loved and have had happy child hoods yet are complete opposites, I know I shouldnt compare but it does make me wonder.
Triangle I have had the counselling offered by Gamcare and it was excellent, helped a lot but I cant get to GA, its simply too far away.
I wont help my son anymore, he sees my help as something he can manipulate. On the other hand his dad who ignores him most of the time seems to get more respect from him than I do.
Ive got plenty I can do leading up to Christmas to keep me distracted and we're out and about visiting family so Im sure that will all help
Thanks everyone for the advice its much appreciated
Hi, AS67,
Thanks for asking, actually I'm struggling with him, in what seems to still be a prolonged "dry addict" phase. We've got to the point where it's damaging all of us and I don't think I am helping anyone by tolerating his present behaviour whilst waiting for a lightbulb moment. He won't go unless pushed but I really might have to. However, I'm not starting from scratch, he is abstaining and attending meetings, (I think). We can't control what they do but I'll point out the obvious and make him less comfortable, encourage him towards therapy (as well as GA). Effectively though, I'm back to "get help or get out" and I'll have to see it through. Not what I wanted.
For you, I echo the advice to get more support for yourself and not to beat yourself up. Your son's in an extreme state to go to such lengths, you can only hope that it's the dark before the dawn. And you know how to manage him next time.
CW
I'm so sorry as67. I can't do anything to help except listen and give you a virtual ((hug)). My son has had a lot of relapses since starting his recovery yet each time I feel i've been kicked in the gut. I'm glad you came on here to share... that's the best thing you can do for your sanity. Nobody could get through this without a little help from their friends!
Your son is right in the middle of his addiction so nothing he does would surprise me. It is so hard to explain the love and need to help and protect your son when he is ripping your heart out... but that's being a mom. You sound like you are a little better this time round and more mad than sad which is a good thing. It's also so hard on a marriage as nobody knows how to fix it and there is a lot of the blame game going on. It is absolutely mind boggling how much chaos and destruction one person in the midst of addiction can cause.
Stand your ground, trust yourself and keep moving forward.
Cathy
Hi
Cynical Wife I too tolerate while I wait for my son to have his light bulb moment, but how long do we wait, I havent got a clue. Its good that your husband is abstaining and going to meetings and you would hope that something triggers in his head during these meetings that theres more to it than abstaining. I know that if my son ever does choose recover I want to see remorse as well, I want to see him realise just what hes done to our family, and do everything possible to repair the damage hes done. I understand that when a cg really understands just what impact their addiction has done to their loved ones its at this point we see the real changes that are needed for true recovery.
Amom thank you , you're right my son is right in the middle of the addiction, and sure enough now that hes been found out hes gone back to they typical cg attitude, rotten is the best description. I seem to switch through so many different emotions, and then its as if I feel absolutely nothing, sort of empty. I really shouldnt be suprised by what hes done, but he was so convincing with his wanting recovery act, its a hell of a shock to realise it was all an act. Still feel like the worlds biggest fool for falling for it.
I tried talking to my son today and he just stares blankly at me until, the charm turned on briefly to ask for money, for his girlfriends christmas presesnt. I cant repeat my answer but he said its my fault that she wont be getting a christmas present now. How I didnt slap him is beyond me and all I could think was, here we go again.
I really dont think my son loves or cares for us in any way any more, we are nothing more than a roof over his head, food in his belly and money if he ever gets the chance. I swear when he looks at me he hates me, but I really dont care any more if he does.
Ive no idea where go from here and the only thing I know for certain is that I cant keep going round in circles the way we do. At some point I will have to say enough is enough, my husband was ready to a long time ago so, he says just say the word and he's out. My son does not want recovery and I think I have to give up waiting for it.
Thanks everyone
I
Hi, AS67,
So sorry to hear what you're still suffering. It sounds like we're in a similar place - at the end of our tethers!
I do count my blessings in financial terms - there has to be some blessing in all of this! But for me, the blessings are too rocky, I need that soul searching remorse from him and very soon.
Have you called GC? I know you did the counselling but the helpline staff are v good.
Take care,
CW
Your son doesn't hate you as67... I guarantee you he hates himself. He knows he has a big problem but is trying to gamble his way out which only makes it worse. It's not your son that is living with you right now it's an addict. Sometimes that makes it easier to do what I feel I need to do.
Good for you for not slapping him with the Xmas present comment. I know that feeling of them blaming you for ridculous things with a smug look on their face... the most frustrating thing in the world!!
Take care as67 and try not to let him rattle your sense of self.
Cathy
Hi
Smug is just the word Ive been looking for when my son looks at me, Im ashamed to say the urge to slap him has been very strong. Its bothers me a lot that Ive felt that I could hit him, I hate violence and I never thought anyone especially my own child could make me feel like this. He seems to go out of his way to wind me up, it doesnt help that my tolerance for his b******t is zero. My husband refuses to even stay in the same room as him now, he gets up and walks out, its horrible tense atmosphere all the time.
Cynical wife, yes I have spoken to GC and it helps, im finding everyone here helps the most, you all understand better than any one else can. I wish I knew how long you and I hold on for their "light bulb moment" I know my son wont be getting his any time soon. Have you told your husband in no uncerain terms what you want from him,and what was his reply. I have with my son and I just got the blank stare, it was a waste of time. My son will be leaving wether he likes it or not but for now we want a peaceful Christmas.
On a positiove note Im out shopping for party clothes with my sister today, brilliant distraction 🙂
as67 wrote:
Hi
Cynical Wife I too tolerate while I wait for my son to have his light bulb moment, but how long do we wait, I havent got a clue. Its good that your husband is abstaining and going to meetings and you would hope that something triggers in his head during these meetings that theres more to it than abstaining. I know that if my son ever does choose recover I want to see remorse as well, I want to see him realise just what hes done to our family, and do everything possible to repair the damage hes done. I understand that when a cg really understands just what impact their addiction has done to their loved ones its at this point we see the real changes that are needed for true recovery.
Amom thank you , you're right my son is right in the middle of the addiction, and sure enough now that hes been found out hes gone back to they typical cg attitude, rotten is the best description. I seem to switch through so many different emotions, and then its as if I feel absolutely nothing, sort of empty. I really shouldnt be suprised by what hes done, but he was so convincing with his wanting recovery act, its a hell of a shock to realise it was all an act. Still feel like the worlds biggest fool for falling for it.
I tried talking to my son today and he just stares blankly at me until, the charm turned on briefly to ask for money, for his girlfriends christmas presesnt. I cant repeat my answer but he said its my fault that she wont be getting a christmas present now. How I didnt slap him is beyond me and all I could think was, here we go again.
I really dont think my son loves or cares for us in any way any more, we are nothing more than a roof over his head, food in his belly and money if he ever gets the chance. I swear when he looks at me he hates me, but I really dont care any more if he does.
Ive no idea where go from here and the only thing I know for certain is that I cant keep going round in circles the way we do. At some point I will have to say enough is enough, my husband was ready to a long time ago so, he says just say the word and he's out. My son does not want recovery and I think I have to give up waiting for it.
Thanks everyone
I
This breaks my heart I, i've been in his situation. Things got very much worse for me. they say gambling addiction can take you to being homeless, jail and dead.
I've never stopped loving my parents and like Cynical wife says I probably would say he still loves you but he's just in so much pain right now as you all are. Understanding this addiction so far has cost me so much and there will be debts i can never pay back. the emotional ones mainly. I can try though. Recovery for me needs to be about looking at myself as a person but to get to that place took a long time. All i can say I is hope you keep getting support for yourself and your husband. Please try and understand this is an illness but if you can't i can understand that. More than anything i wish i'd been able to give my mum more hugs back then but i couldn't. Thats what really breaks my heart.
Love to you all
Tri
Hi as67, for what it's worth, my mum has pleaded with me many many times to help...@ that given moment, I know it's what she wants! She also invariably needs to get her latest escapade off of her chest be that stealing from us, pawning family jewellery (that she was 'looking after'), log book loans to name but a few! Until now, everytime I have taken over her finances she has found a way to get round not having a card...I'm not surprised you fell for it & it just proves how much you love him & despite all the pain, are still there fighting for him! I'm also not surprised you want to clip him round the ear, (I did clip myself on occasion) & I have been convinced with mum that I am lucky I have heard the latest news on the end of the phone! This time I have her card & a standing order so that her pension comes straight to my account...When this was implemented there was a serious likelihood that she would become homeless did she not go along with it! Months down the line there are various big plans afoot to do x, y & z & on occasion I have relented & put some of her money back into an account that she can draw cash on but otherwise, she gets what is left over @ the end of the month, loaded onto a credit card with no cash facility! No cash = No gamble.
I know it's different with a surly 'child' living under your roof but try not to let him wind you up, only give ultimatums that you can carry though on & remember the best way to help him is to help you! You didn't cause this, you didn't bring it on yourself & you certainly didn't ask for it! If he's anything like me when he's in one of those moods, you getting wound up will just make him worse (Betari's box) so do what you are doing & walk away because he will twist everything you say & make you feel a hundred times worse anyway! Maybe when he next has a calm moment, ask him if there's anything you could do when it starts getting heated...I know the world doesn't revolve around Tea but maybe offering or saying something like "I love you but this hurts too much, let's try later!" may help?
I hope you find some calm soon - ODAAT
Hi as67
I have not posted on here for a while as I thought that my nightmare was over,...my story sounds just like yours! My son is 22 and has been gambling for 3 years (casinos mostly). He is in debt and has a debt management plan (plus owes his dad and I £4000 from paying off pay day loans and credit cards over the last three years) but has recently lost his job so I am helping him to stay afloat as no JSA has come through yet (since october). We have been getting along fine, much calmer and better attitude and I have full control of his bank account (even tho currently there is nothing going into it). Tonight his grandfather gave him £10 as he is short of cash. He popped to the local shops in my car for some fresh orange. I dont know what made me suspect but he was a while so I walked around and found him sitting in the local bookies! Feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach! Needless to say he is full of remorce and I said things I shouldnt have. He has begged me not to tell his girlfriend as it is a fairly new relationship and it will certainly scare her off. I am torn as I feel she should know but more than that I am beyond dissappointed. Back to square one>Sorry that this is no help to you but your situation even including your husbands attitude is so like mine. At my wits end, will this nightmare ever be over? I orced him to self exclude and tomorrow he says he will do casinos too. He is so desperate that I dont tell his girlfrind that he will agree to anything. Not sure how to handle this so will ring for advice on monday. Best wishes to you x
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