My boyfriend has a gambling problem, it has never been a secret that he gambles. He had told me about big losses he had before he met me in his younger days but he had never had big losses during the start of our relationship so I thought it might have been one offs a long time ago.
In the last 6 months to a year his gambling has got out of control. He gambles £300/400 at a time with not just his own money but our money that we have been trying our hardest to save. When I first found out about the gambling he promised it wouldn’t happen again but it did. When I found out about the 2nd time we made a plan for me to control his finances and for him to stop betting but after a few weeks he slowly persuaded me to allow him to do a few football bets here and there and that I could monitor them so I know he’s not going overboard. However my limit of £5-£10 a week wasn’t being stuck to and he started to bet online again without me knowing.
There was another two incidents recently that absolutely broke me (one of which he only confessed to when I found out about the most recent gamble only because I knew he had our money in his wallet) I felt so stupid to trust him with big lumps of cash but he promised he would be able to control himself because he had no temptations recently.
This most recent incident gave him the realisation that he knows he can’t control himself and that if nothing changes he will lose me and our daughter. I am back to controlling his finances again but is that enough on my part? He said he will attend GA meetings but I fear he will not go through with them as he is already chatting about other alternative ways of helping like online group chats but is that enough? Should I force him to go to GA meetings? I don’t want to feel like I’m mothering him but I can’t go through this all the time I don’t know what to do
You have 2 choices.
Stay and mother him. Do not get confused with this. He is ill. He will continue this behaviour as long as he can get away with it. He will be manipulative as long as he can get away with it and ev it will calm down when he has exhausted all his options.
Or leave now. Start afresh and do your own thing.
Addicts will only change when there are no other options but to change. There is never a problem until there is a problem.
Regardless if you stay or leave you need to get more selfish. Your security and your kids security comes first. Have a plan B and C ready if something happens.
I wish you well!
Best
C
Hi
I am also a gambling addict in recovery , controlling your partners finances would help initially but he needs to want to quit and stop for me when already talking his way out of GA meetings is showing potentially he ain't there as yet. I have never attended a meeting before but i am determined not to gamble. My advice would be give no access to your money or savings, have access to your credit report and his credit report so that no money can be borrowed in either name. Also if you decide its too much , you have the right to create a better life for you and your daughter.
I am going to say that it’s up to him to walk through the GA door to hopefully improve his life. Only he can make that decision… maybe guiding him may help him focus and make a good life changing decision.
I’m a recovering gambler myself and my partner left me the day she found out. I was also promising to go meetings hand over finances all the things I thought she wanted to hear in order for her to stay.
but the reality is the gambler has to selfishly want to stop for himself first before he can fulfill those promises to others. From what you describe he needs to show more action and not empty promises. A gambling addict is ill, we can’t even do the lotto or buy a a club raffle ticket as we cannot control the illness if we do. The idea of small football accumulators shows the illness at play as he is still feeding the addiction. It’s like an alcoholic only drinking one day week it won’t happen
i myself checked myself into 28 days in house rehab and I now attend my aftercare weekly online and attend GA weekly.
i have control my finances but I allow a trusted family member check them, I’ve blocked all access to online betting, banned myself local bookies, don’t carry cash, don’t associate with old gambling mates and most importantly I’m 100% honest myself and those around me. Yes my partner is gone but I can sleep at night now knowing I was honest today and didn’t gamble and broken heart will heel in time
maybe one day my partner will take me back but I know if I keep doing what I’m doing someday I’ll find someone again and be in a much better place for them
I wish you the best with the decision but I strongly urge some serious conversations around the consequences if gambles again if you do decide to try again
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