What should I do next?

Hi... I'm going through it all and have been for 5 years now.... It's the hardest thing to ever go through... Loving someone so much and having them live a double life it seems.... Hurt, betrayal , anger, Iv even kicked out my back gate in the past in anger, broke door handles, kick out at stuff, it feels like it's never ending , the frustration and pain Iv been through in the hope he sees he's better than this, it sounds like our partners are the same in the way our family and friends see them, as good people , because they are good people , it's this illness that changes them, I told my partner last night that he is 2 different people , my loving partner and an amazing father , than a manipulator liar and gambler as harsh as that sounds , my partner has tried GA but lied all the way through the sessions as he wasn't ready to give it up , I pushed him to go to salvage our relationship , which never worked or helped him , he went to keep me happy , it's good yours is going back and hopefully the shame he feels as to what he's done to you will now hit home and he's ready to beat it , I can honestly say it may not be an easy road ahead , but I really hope he's ready and will beat this evil thing ! It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and what's been lost , I feel the same , I feel angry , bitter and sad at times that the money wasted could of gone on our future , our kids , a mortgage ... But at times I feel more sad at the time it's spend consuming him, time away from his family , the anger he must feel about it , I truely believe he doesn't want to hurt us and it kills him everytime he sees me break down , my best advice is to get help yourself , I have been angry , bitter , sad , resentful of the past for 4 years now , 4 months ago I made the choice to speak to a counsellor , it's helped me deal with it better, let go of the anger , Iv been told though to always have a plan B ... To protect ourselves , I want to be the one who helps him with his addiction , but Iv also been told he is the only one who can save himself , so it's made me feel less pressure now as well... It's a sad lonely place to be dealing with this, no one knows the true extent , no one understands unless they have lived through it all like us , so they can say " just go , end the relationship , he's not treating you right " blah blah blah, they mean well they really do , but they don't know how conflicting it feels dealing with this first hand and maybe one day having to say bye to the future you had dreamed off ... Good luck with it ... Sorry for rambling xxx

Hi balloons86 unfortunately we all make mistakes because we don't realise this is forever. Don't punish your self this isn't your fault. What you need to do is get credit reports with alerts when credit is applied for. That's a way to keep a track on cards and bank accounts. But a compulsive gambler who is still active will gamble cash you give him for lunch. Another option is every time you give him cash he must give you a receipt. If you want real help and support go to a gamanon meeting. Call gamcare. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Isolating yourself and not telling people keeps addiction alive. It also stops you being yourself. You need support from people close to you. That doesn't mean you have to tell everyone.

Holhol85 - thanks for replying, as sad as I am that you're going through such a tough time it does give me some comfort to know that I am not alone in this situation, and not alone in feeling this way. I hope you're able to get the support you need through the counselling. It's something I'll be considering depending on how the next couple of weeks go I think.

Merry go round - thank you for your reply. Sorry if this is a dense question, but how do I go about getting these credit reports? Would it be through experian etc? Is it a free service? I've mentioned this to him and he has agreed to do it, so I just need to figure it out and hopefully that's another step in cutting off his ability to gamble. I've since spoken with my sister and do feel better, being cooped up in the house dealing with it on my own this weekend has been driving me crazy, but having opened up to someone in person, and reading through these posts on the forum, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is a forever situation. It's not going to go away so I guess we just have to take each day at a time.

Credit reports are free, some notifications cost. Experian, noddle, mse (money saving expert).

I don't know if I can help but I'm going through the same thing at the moment so you're certainly not alone with the 'selfish' feelings. My partner and I bought our first house 2 years ago. I thought we'd be getting married, going on a honeymoon and maybe starting a family in the next 5 years but now we will be repaying his loans. I hate seeing him so upset but part of me feels like I will be missing out.. Right now I'm standing by him despite those feelings but I just don't know how long it will last this time. I hope you both work things out, and you certainly don't need to feel guilty about the thoughts you are having x

Hi balloons86! You sound exactly like what my daughter in law is going through with my son. His gambling adiction and all the lies and deceit in order to feed his addiction has just come out in the open. We as parents are still trying to let it sink in as we were completely in the dark about it. She has known for a while, but he promised to stop and change his ways. The last straw for her was when he 'stole' money from her account. That is when she told us and it all came out. she has taken charge of all the finances, bank cards etc. But this 'illness/addiction/disease' makes them so clever and deceitful- it changes the true core of their good nature. So my advise would be to watch every penny spent with an eagle eye, be alert and question -even at the risk of sounding paranoid.Better safe than sorry! Do not believe everything you are told at face value- they turn into skilful liars! I know , this sounds harsh, but once bitten twice shy. Also take advice from forum members! We have to be strong, support them with 'tough love'!

I know how you feel, half of me feels like I want to help my husband and half of me just wants to walk away. I resent the fact my credit score is messed up from all the times I’ve had to bail him out, I resent all the interest I’m paying on my credit card and overdraft for him. It’s so difficult to know how to feel towards him now. It’s not selfish to feel the way you do, because you didn’t choose any of this and suddenly it’s something you’re having to deal with. I feel like my life has been put on hold in the same way you do.

Pam60 wrote:

Hi balloons86! You sound exactly like what my daughter in law is going through with my son. His gambling adiction and all the lies and deceit in order to feed his addiction has just come out in the open. We as parents are still trying to let it sink in as we were completely in the dark about it. She has known for a while, but he promised to stop and change his ways. The last straw for her was when he 'stole' money from her account. That is when she told us and it all came out. she has taken charge of all the finances, bank cards etc. But this 'illness/addiction/disease' makes them so clever and deceitful- it changes the true core of their good nature. So my advise would be to watch every penny spent with an eagle eye, be alert and question -even at the risk of sounding paranoid.Better safe than sorry! Do not believe everything you are told at face value- they turn into skilful liars! I know , this sounds harsh, but once bitten twice shy. Also take advice from forum members! We have to be strong, support them with 'tough love'!

wish i could disagree, but i wouldn't trust myself if i was my other half. I hope that never changes in a way.

tri