What the hell am I going to do?

You have to put all blocking steps like self exclusion on gamstop which will cover most online casinos plus theres a one call self exclusion for a year to all bookies

Just take it one day at a time, Ellie. Your suggestions that he phone Stepchange & go into counseling sound like some of the best steps your husband can take going forward so well done. As Christer1 above also suggests, self-exclusion programs are also helpful. Perhaps you might also consider attending Gam-Anon meetings, where those affected by a loved one's gambling problem can share their own experiences - you are not alone. I hope this is the big kick your partner needs to finally put an end to his gambling, as you deserve better & have demonstrated great inner-strength and compassion in how you've dealt with it and pushed on so far.

Oh Ellie, you sound just like me. I remember sitting in the building society remortgaging when my youngest was 6 weeks old. Stepchange, counselling are great. He needs to sort the debt himself, no help, no bailouts. If he's suicidal he needs the doctor or samiritans. You need support, safeguard your finances, get credit reports. Call gamcare and talk to someone, find a gamanon meeting if you can get a babysitter. Encourage him to seek help, GA is a good place. Then look after you, you can't stop him unless he chooses to stop. It's a nightmare but is manageable. Stepchange will give him all the help they can. Your main concern is you and the kids. Look after you, don't be coerced into signing anymore loans. They are desperate and in a dark place. Take it a day at a time. Come on here to ask advice or just rant. Get some help for you too.

Thank you all for your responses.

I just feel so overwhelmed and betrayed. The debt is 1/3 of our mortgage and will take about 8 years to repay, even if he gets a IVA which will screw up everything, remortgaging, family holidays, everything. We rely on credit for monthly car insurance payments and emergency bills etc. He’s messed us up for so long, I’m going to have to go back to work early instead of enjoying precious time with my baby. It’s all just so awful.

Hi Ellie im so sad to here your story i was gambling when my daughter was very young, i didnt get into debt with those sort of numbers but the principle is all the same... the only advice i am going to give you is that if you are going to stick by your husband and give him one more chance then you solely have to take responsibilty for all financial decisions etc no cards or money or access for him.

secondly as much as the money part is the biggest worry, he needs to get better befor your finances will, get him to counselling, and even on this forum where we can all give him advice. but while he is stil essentially broken your finances will never be fixed.

hope this helps :]

tunnie x

Stepchange can advise u whether a DMP or IVA is best. Generally with a DMP all interest and charges are frozen and you are left with monies to live on.

Wish you well

He’s just called me and told me that it comes to £130k. How on earth has be been lent that much on his income with a massive new mortgage? He’s working everything out to arrange an IVA. Is there any way that they will let us keep the house?

Give citizens advice or National Debtline a call. Might be able to assist.

Best wishes

Hi

So sorry to see this. I too couldn't understand how the banks kept allowing more and more debt to be racked up within a matter of weeks without it ringing alarm bells but came to the conclusion their greed outweighed their caution.

Echo the advice to speak to the experts but I would add check his credit reports for yourself. You can't trust a word he says without independent proof so don't. All reports are available quickly and free online. Noddle (Callcredit),Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's credit club. It is overwhelming and exhausting and devastating but unfortunately you're the rational one in all this and it's crucial to establish the truth and get the family finances locked down under your sole control as soon as possible.

Also reading your first post, please try to save your empathy. You need your energy for you and the baby. Being too understanding isn't in your interests. It leaves you open to the manipulation all CG's are expert at. He can get any understanding he needs from GA and counselling. Samaritans too as MGR says if necessary. Read up on the addiction and get some support for you if you can. There's a lot of support and advice available to him if he looks for it but you've had a bombshell dropped on you out of the blue. He's known about this for a very long time. He's had the choice to look for help rather than place his next bet every single time he did it but hasn't. Time to insist on what you want and need.

IHe’s really scaring me, he’s talking about how much better we’d be without him and how much better off we’d be if his suicide looks like an accident and we get the life insurance money.

I think this is what rock bottom looks like and it’s f*****g awful. I don’t think I’m able to even feel anger right now, just total despair.

I can’t see how we can fix this, he’ll try to arrange an IVA tomorrow and if they insist on bankruptcy then he says he can’t see any another way out. Maybe I am being manipulated but he needs to stay on this planet and deal with the consequences with me, not leave me on my own with no income and a grieving 3 yr old. I can’t handle any of this.

Hi Ellie,

i am so sad reading your story but as harsh as this will sound dont listen to a word he says, i have made the same threats myself befor... he is just hoping for you to say that you will forgive him and get it sorted, scaring you to think he may do the worst if you dont forgive him and tell him to come home.

like others have said get professional help for you and him but dont just let him have the easy way out. this is his mess to clean up not yours.

always here even if you just need someone to talk to :]

tunnie x

Hi Ellie you are in total shock! gambling to that extent has definitely affected his mental health. Stepchange will tell him all his options. I agree with you, I wanted the family to stay together. Beware though if he doesn't seek help for his health and get to GA this could begin again. I would want to make sure I was involved in all conversations regarding debt.

Morning,

re his threats, point him firmly in the direction of help but don’t take on any obligation to save him from himself, either physically or emotionally. Easier said than done but it just leads to manipulation, anything would go because if you set limits as to what you can tolerate, he might harm himself.

Step back from his whirlwind of chaos. You have no control over what he does or doesn’t do, you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. Let him take ownership of his own situation, let him fix him but make sure that you protect you.

He can get help from Samaritans or better still, from GA, fellow members often report feeling suicidal. If he starts meetings, he’ll find that they get it because they’ve been there.

Keep your focus on you and the baby, lock down the finances so that as far as possible, you’re not paying for the gambling. Then get help for you, best is via GamAnon, if someone can babysit. Even if you go sometimes and get some literature and a couple of phone numbers, that’s better than nothing.

Also, you mentioned keeping the secret. Addiction thrives on secrecy, once it’s out in the open and a known fact, everything becomes much clearer. The best situation is for everyone around him to know and be on the same page, to encourage meetings and decline bailouts. True friends support, they don’t judge and part of you not taking on what’s his is not adopting for yourself his shame at what he’s done.

Focus on fixing you, let him fix him.

CW