What the hell am I going to do?

Hi again

Many of us have been there with the threats of self harm and again I concur with everyone above. The self pity can be epic but falling for it leaves you (and any others who listen) open to manipulation. There are several avenues of help open to him. Concentrate on you.

I said everything that has been said to you by the sounds, I also spent a long long time thinking about it.

I thought about crashing my car, causing an accident, having an 'accident' at work, I thought about suicide many many times.

The fact he is saying is probably a good thing - I'm not an expert by any means - by I was told that if he was serious he would be more likely to become more and more withdrawn and would not be talking about it - I don't mean that flippantly by any means but for me - in hindsight - that makes perfect sense, I knew I didn't want to really but I was desperate, so desperate and it is a horrible, scary place to be.

Having my secret out in the open, facing into the consequences and having strong people around me, saved me, of that I don't doubt.

By strength, I mean they did not let me manipulate them. I've posted before about my sister in particular, I have no idea how she managed to remain so strong but I was sobbing my heart out, her younger brother the father of her three neice/nephews and nearly 40 years old, I was sobbing, a mess, I was talking suicide, my desperation and she just kept repeating that she was not listening, she kept telling me I was trying to manipulate her and that she wasn't having it. she brought me a £9.99 mobile phone and loaded it with £10 credit, she gave me the number for the samaritans and told me to talk to them. She refused to listen because she knew I was trying to get her sympathy (note at the time of all this, I really did not think this was the case), I couldn't believe she wasn't reaching out, she was refusing to help, I needed xx funds and she had the money, she could help me within minutes but she refused, point blank.

Many times she broke of a conversation to go and think, clear her head and make sure she was making decisions for me in the future.

She kept telling me she wasn't there for me, she was there for my children, that they didn't deserve this. She kept on and on that I needed to accept this, she refused to give me any reassurance about anything. Would my wife leave me - don't know, doesn't matter, what if she refused me access to the children - well I'd have to deal with that etc etc

It was brutal, it was harsh but it saved my life and it saved me from making even worse choices - I was seriously considering illegal things, like the safe at work, burglary or the 'cash for claims' route as above.

My wife switched off from me. She focused on her and our children, she focused on functioning.

Finally I went practical. I stopped gambling. I wrote down every log in/ password I had, I signed into all credit reference agencies in both names - we brought a £25 safe and all these details were put in there. My wife could and can access any of it, whenever she wants, all alerts are set up to her, all income goes to her and she has final say on any spending but she will log into the bank, I action whatever needs doing and she logs out - it's working for us.

I'm only 441 days GF but I also get a lot from reading the posts of Cynical Wife, Lethe, MGR and ODAAT, amongst others. they speak a lot of sense, share a lot of information and as a compulsive gambler it helps remind me of what my wife needs to be doing (to protect herself from me) and I try and use it to be more proactive, I am trying to communicate better than ever, more openly

You have had a massive shock, not of your doing and you will face consequences of someone else's actions and that must be so hard to face but you did not cause this, it is not your fault and you do not need to be the wife, the mother, the saviour, the bail out - concentrate on you, on your children and do not be taken in by him, by the compulsive gambler.

Do you have a future with him?, who knows and that doesn't need to be decided now. One year on and I don't honestly know if our marriage will survive my actions. Yes there is growing hope but there are still consequences of my choices that negatively affect us but I have to accept that is not in my control, what I can control is my addiction, my self, I can be a better person, a better father, I can find happiness for me and I hope as I continue to work towards that I also become a better husband but for now I just need to take each day as it comes

So sorry for rambling, I am still selfish and I find my rambles help me if no-one else!

P.s. I spent a couple of nights sleeping in my tiny car, it was cold, miserable, I was scared, I couldn't lay down properly but I survived, my situation still wasn't as bad as some people face.

I wish you well and for what its worth, I am really sorry you are facing this

WillHes made mistakes in the past but then gone years without gambling being a problem, he does something stupid every few years it seems, but never ever on this scale.

It seems to be triggered by major commitments or obligations, it happened when he was short of money backpacking a decade ago, just before we got our first house, just after our first baby and now just when our second house was on the line and our second baby has arrived.

Can people really recover from this degree of addiction?

Will he need counselling forever?

it's life long addiction as far as I am aware

There are examples of people abstaining for the rest of their lives, in regards the money, it's all relative, it's the behaviour, the patterns that remain the same and there are - sadly - an increasing number of us that lose all control

I was caught out about 6 months after marriage, whilst expecting our fist child, our second child and confessed to my addiction again whilst expecting number three.

I have ruined my teeth ('couldn't afford' dentist), health (physical and mental) I have condemmed us to being in a 2 bed house in a poor location (a small 2 bed at that) and no holidays for 7 years, one reasonable car and one c**P one whilst we jointly earn enough to be in a 4 bed detached with two decent cars, two great holidays, great pensions and a great, very aspirational lifestyle.

I would maintain I am not intentionally a bad person though, yet I am an addict, a decevious, manipulative and weak individual. I plunged to depths I still can't really comprehend, much of it doesn't seem real, I spent a lot of time angry, angry at banks, credit card companies and the gambling industry. I still think many of the practices are dispicable and I think goverment are too weak to intervene but the anger itself has gone, I am at peace that whatever the faults elsewhere, I still ultimately made the decision to gamble, every, every penny was spent by me, all over the place, shops, online, on the phone, wherever.

I am prepared to face this battle for the rest of my life. The money I spent, the debt I accumalated, the lies I told have all gone, I can't change what I have done in the past, I will never forgive myself but I am at peace that I have an opportunity to make better decisions from now on, day by day, that is what I am trying to do.

My wife, still has decisions to make, she still wants to see my actions, she refuses to listen to my promises, either I do things or I don't.

She knows I am trying, she can see changes, good changes, are they enough? it's too early to say and after all the choices I made, the least I can do is respect her wishes from here on.

People can and successfully do arrest the addiction even when they've done the most horrendous things to feed it but recovery is something they must want for themselves and then keep on wanting more than they want the next bet. As CG above says it's something that is with them for life. There's a great analogy involving a gambler's pilot light always being on which means they have to take care to avoid igniting the furnace. They always remain one bet away from disaster which means that first bet is the one they must commit to avoiding. The object of the counselling is to identify and address whatever it is that has driven the compulsion. Gamcare offer free sessions and Mr L found them very helpful. GA can be instrumental in maintaining a successful recovery. It keeps them grounded and reminds them where they have been and where they will be should they give in to any urges. I would be extremely twitchy if Mr L decided he was 'cured' and didn't need to attend any more so yes, I have no doubt it will be a lifetime thing. There are people there with decades worth of gf time under their belt who still attend willingly but the key thing is they are doing it for them and not because anyone is demanding they should.

Tell him to man up, to get a second job during weekends and for 5 years, he will have to pull his weight. Working extra will keep food on the table, bills paid and small treats now and then plus payments for the loans. He is a father now! Is not the end of the world. You and the kids should be more important to him than money. The kids don’t need life insurance money. They need their dad around, even for 2-3 hours a day after he is home from work. Don’t despair, tell him you can get over it togheter but only as long as he stops betting.

Don’t despair, tell him you can get over it togheter but only as long as he stops betting.

I really really wanted to hear this but actually not hearing it really helped me focus on what was important, so sorry to be a pendant and obviously it is just my opinion but all I was and am told is,

'well, there is no chance if you gamble' in further discussion what I understood, which again I think is powerful is, if you force me to make a decision now, then it will be to end the relationship fullstop, if I concentrated on getting help, sorting myself out, then there might be a chance - but why should she give me her word at taht stage, why should she reassure me.

Actually my wife wanted and needed time to digest what had happened (again) what the actual reality was, what her options were and she didn't have time or energy to think about us.

We went several months without being a 'couple' per se, just over ayear on and we are slowly rebuilding but there are a lot of legacy issues around trust, actions and words

Don’t despair, tell him you can get over it togheter but only as long as he stops betting.

I also have to take issue with this. At the time the second disaster came to light the last thing I wanted to do was consider togetherness and support. I needed all my energy for me. Cutting Mr L loose was very much on the agenda especially when I found him feeding the FOBT's with the small change he had on him on what was supposed to be a shopping trip a few months later. He now doesn't carry cash routinely directly as a result of that trip.It took a lot of soul searching to decide to give him one more chance and he has never been under any illusions about what will happen should he throw it away.