Why ain't we enough?

A CG will go to all lengths to gamble, no matter what you say or do. The problem at hand here is that he has an addiction and unfortunately, that gets the better of them sometimes, no matter how much they love you. Sometimes they think they are doing it for love.

Before he can change, he has to want to change - he has to recognise that he has a problem before he can take any steps to stop. I personally in your situation would give him an ultimatum, where it's you and your daughter or the gambling. You then need to consider taking over access to bank accounts, money, internet access etc and advise him to attend GA meetings.

Not only this, but make sure YOU have some support in place for your experience through this, because it's not just him that is suffering from the addiction - it is you and your daughter too.

It is a long and hard journey, but it will be okay as long as you take the right steps. Good luck and keep us updated on the progress!

CGs don't gamble because of the lack of a good woman/man. It's the other way round, gambling erodes relationships and they lose the love of a good woman/man because they gamble.

If you think about it, compulsive gambling isn't social, it doesn't involve interaction with people. Part of the addict's dysfunction is a lack of emotional connection with real people, active CGs are so busy using that they don't need people and they wish to avoid people so that they can feed the compulsion. And the last thing an active CG wants is to think about what his spouse and children want of him/her and how they're not measuring up, much easier to scratch the itch.

I'd advise you to stop thinking in terms of you and your daughter being under some obligation to or even being able to meet all of his needs so that he doesn't need to gamble. It's not a good path, it leads to you taking responsibility and control of him in areas where he is responsibile for him and you are responsible for you. His compulsion and how he deals with it is entirely his business. Better for you to focus on what you and your daughter need and what you are going to do to change your situation if you're not happy.

re ultimatums. The GamAnon advice is never to give one unless you are fully prepared to follow it through. Otherwise it becomes impossible to set boundaries, the CG walks all over you knowing that he/she will get away with it. If you throw him out, think very long term before you'd give any consideration to taking back because change is long term.

Look after you.

CW

Hi Broken91 :)).

I'm a Compulsive gambler who hasn't had abet for the last 18 months .

I'm sorry to hear your story and from a Gamblers perspective when he say's " He loves you and your daughter " I've no doubt he does . All the time I was in the grip of addiction there was never one single moment where I didn't love my kids or partner but that being said , what goes on in a Gamblers mind makes no sense to anyone other than another gambler . In order for us to keep on getting our daily fix by gambling we will tell ourselves anything and I've no doub't that what goes through your man's mind is that " He's doing it for you " in order to give you the things you couldn't otherwise afford , I know that's giong to sound crazy to you and looking back I now see it that way too but addiction is that strong we have justify in someway in order to carry on doing what we do .

That being said , you have to take the advice of the people above by looking after and protecting yourselves until he's ready to consider getting some help , you have to take control of any finances you can and not give him any sort of access to funds or try to bail him out , it's his mess and he needs to fix it , just like I did has to sort it out and seek help for his addiction . If this means you giving an ultimatum to seek help and actually see the proof that he's seeking help or throwing him out then so be it .

All the time you allow him to carry on gambling , he will do just that .

Things unfortunately won't change overnight with a Compulsive Gambler , we don't tend to like change which is why we carry on doing what we do , even if that ends up destroying everyone and everything around us but it can happen as I and many others here can testify to :)).

I hope things improve for you :))

Best wishes

Alan

Hi, he's already out of the house like he has many times before and its then same response that he's sorry he has a problem he can't help it and I'm fed up of it all. Every month for 3years he's put me through this how long can you try help someone that doesn't appear to be making any progress? I've took control of all finances but he always somehow manages to get round it. I love him more than anything but when's it time to give up? I get so far and then the worst goes through my mind of what if something happened to him how would I feel and then I just want him home. I've asked him to choose us or gambling many times and he's always said us but then crumbles and away goes our money. He tried putting that software on his phone but it wouldn't work. He also spoke to an online support and all they did was try get him to spend ВЈ70/£80 on software. We don't have that money, I'm always playing catch up with bills because of all this so certainly don't have that money in one go to throw at it surely enough money has gone to it already.

Hi if he is out at the minute then the only way things are going to change for YOU are to not let him back in. Then you will have control over your life and your finances. From his perspectove, in his mind he gambles, gets thrown out and then knows he will beg and plead, get back in and then he gambles because there are no real consequences except short term being out of the house. He still may not stop gambling even if he doesn't come back but to stop this constant circle of him gambling, you finding out, throwing him out, him making false promises.....you have to put a stop to it or else this is your life. I hope that doesn't sound like I am saying that you have control to stop his gambling. You don't but for your own sanity and in agreement with what cynicalwife said, giving an ultimatum has to be just that. When you let him backl currently it is on the basis of an 'I'm sorry and I won't do it again.' More lies. It means nothing. And I did this too, I accepted the I am sorrys, I thought with my supoport I could help. I can't. Write down what you need to be proven, what he needs to do and be aware that it means you may be on your own. He needs to know he cannot walk all over you. You can gain control over your finances and some of the heartache. You and your child come first.

Write down somewhere that you will see every day: You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. You can't CURE it. I find this really helpful to keep reminding myself. x

Hi again .

Unfortunately as I said and with what youv'e just told me , it really isn't going to stop until he want's to and love him or not , this now becomes about protecting yourself and your daughter from further damage and finacial problems , someone in the relationship has to take complete control and be the adult and at the moment that ain't gonna be him , all of his bleatings about the software issues on his phone and the cost of buying software seem just like delaying tactics , if it doesnt work then simply downgrade the phone to a housebrick which doesn't have internet access , you could speak to your service provider as to whether there's an option to put parental control on or block over 18 sites ? , there's a free download for laptops called K9 but others such as netnanny and Gamblock I believe come at a charge , do you know for sure he's actually doing what he say's he is ? . As a Compulsive gambler , we will lie cheat steal and many other things besides to keep our gambling alive and become experts at covering our tracks , I don't want to sound all doom and gloom but for us no depth is too low to sink to.

Again , you say you can't afford the blocking software but he can still get hold of money and afford to gamble , so £80 when your hard up is alot of money to spend but he wouldn't bat an eyelid to use that money to gamble would he ?.

Was the online support he spoke to Gamcare and did you witness the call ? , they also offer support to people like yourself , those affected by our actions , so maybe give them a ring yourself and find out first hand whats going to help you ? .

As I said this is now about you and your daughter and you have to protect yoursef , if he doesn't want to aknowledge that he has a serious problem then you need to stop worrying about him and look after you , sure he say's he sorry everytime you kick him out but he tug's at the heartstrings you allow him home and nothing changes , if he's out again now then he doesn't return until he get's help and proves to you with total honesty and transparency that he's making the effort to stop and stay stopped , otherwise everytime you allow him back you just keep enabling him to carry on gambling .

Alan .

I get what everyone's saying it's just so hard it's driving me nuts. He's now said he's spoke to the phone provider to pay out his contract to get pay as u go 'he doesn't feel comfortable going to a ga meeting" which I find completly ridiculous. I know it'll all be repeated if he came back I've just got to keep strong and see effort and improvement before thinking about being a family again and if he don't, be strong enough to let go. Thanks for all then support and advice

I've never really felt comfortable in a GA meeting or a counselling session. Then again if I am comfortable am i doing what I am supposed to. If its accepted that compulsive gambling is an emotional illness then dealing with that isn't going to be easy or pleasant. I attend GA meetings and counselling sessions because I need to, not becasue I want to.

Your point about him 'not feeling comfortable.' That may be true but if he wants to get himself help and support and recover he is going to have to embrace his uncomfortableness. At the end of the day what he has put you through is far worse than any feeling of uncomfortableness. It is simply a tactic to delay and not acknowldege his wrong doing. My husband went to his first one about a year ago and he said the same thing, it was only cuz I forced him to go. He hates speaking in public and tried to use that as an excuse. he never went back. one year later and by this time I had learnt my lesson, i didn't accept this excuse and he made the decision to go on his own. He didn't speak at one for maybe 10 sessions and then one time there were only a few people at it and that gave him the confidence. If he wants to get help he will get over it and to encourage him remind him that everyone at it will have had to go for the first time and I guarantee they ALL felt uncomfortable. But obv it is still up to him. The only thing YOU can do is to NOT accept anything less from him than him taking steps over a long period of time to get help, to stay gamble free. Remember it took a long time for him to get to this point, it will take a long time to recover. And I say this to you knowing that it is an extremely difficult thing to not accept him back, especially when it means you are becoming a single mum. I was in your shoes just over a month ago. Now I have taken the step, it was scary and sometimes I have really down days but I feel more in control, both financially and also I feel more able to educate myself about gambling. What has also helped is having set times in the week that the kids see him so that i know that he is still meeting some of his parenting responsbibilites and more importantly the kids are not missing out on seeing their Dad too much. And even though it is a big upheaval for them and they are acting up esp my eldest, I know it is for the greater good. I have only been able to see this clearly since he moved out. There is plenty of support available and others are going through this too, you are not alone.

GA isn't necessarily supposed to be comfortable. Mr L goes because it reminds him where he's been and why he never wants to go back there and in any case what does it matter if it isn't comfortable? Statistically speaking it's the most successful method out there. If he's serious about recovery he'll surely want to maximise his chances of staying with it.

I know the feeling of not feeling good enough.. been with my boyfriend for two years... and he constantly tells me that he wants to stop gambling but its got worse in the last two years, so basically I make him worse?? i love him with all my heart but it tears me apart to watch him suffer and also to feel so worthless myself..I had to cancel my bank account as i got hacked and so my wages went into his for one day and he told me they didnt and spend them all that morning... worked all month for nothing, now he wants to sell everything i have brought him (laptop, camera and xbox) to get that money back so he can have money... I am at my wits end... dont know what to do.. HELP!!!!

Hello FHan679

Welcome to the forum.

I see you are looking for help as to how to deal with the effects of your boyfriends gambling as well. You will find alot of support here on the forum and you can also speak to an adviser by calling our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or on the netline we are open everyday 8am until midnight.

Also, you may get more replies if you start your own thread. Scroll down to the bottom of the Family & friends section and clock 'New topic.'

Best wishes

Forum admin.

Hi, I am new to this forum and came upon your thread and instantly know what you mean not feeling 'enough'. This is a question, that although I know is not rational, I feel exactly the same. Its like I was enough for you but now im not and it makes me feel worthless. I feel like there are three people in our relationship and that no matter what he will always go back to gambling, when what he doesn't realise is that I am here to love, support and be with and gambling is evil, a demon and does not care about him at all. From reading CG stories I know that this is not the case and it isn't about us not being enough but it doesn't stop us feeling like that. I have no words of wisdom but just to let you know that you are not alone.