Hi. I don’t know what to do and need help. I’m convinced my wife is gambling. I pay the rent and bills, she doesn’t pay anything but her phone bill, food and stuff for kids. She has £1,500 a month coming in and there is nothing left after a week. She has been off sick this week for 3 days and during those 3 days she got paid, she’s hasn’t been anywhere yet she only has £400 left in her account, she gave me her card to get her £10 out and I checked her account and she had £800 left but only £400 available which says debit card transactions. I’m forever bailing her out with my wage and having to get food shops and things and I end up with nothing left for myself and it gets to mid month and we are struggling to even get a pint of milk. I see her on Sky Vegas and she says “It’s free spins” but she seems to win minimum of £35 every time with these “free spins” now I’m not thick, I know u don’t win more than £5 with “free spins” but she takes me for a fool and keeps telling me it’s “free spins” and she’s just playing with the money she has won. It’s too much of a coincidence that the times I see her on these games is just after money has gone into her account, I don’t see her on them when she has no money. I know she is gambling and I’ve asked her but she will never admit it cos she knows I will go mad. She will not admit it so need proof like a bank statement so she can’t deny it but the problem is she doesn’t get statements cos she’s paperless. I got her card and ordered a statement through the ATM thinking it would come in the post but as she’s paperless it will have gone to her email address and I don’t have her passwords. I need help? I need the proof to confront her and so she can’t deny it, can somebody please help!
She probably is. What happens is that you need to have a confession or she needs to come clean. Do you think she will? A gambler is constantly lying to him/her self so if she can not be honest about her own addiction you may have a problem getting her to open up about it to you. Maybe a family therapist is a good way forward from here.
Addictions like this is not at all about the money, it is about chasing the feeling of winning and doing it on repeat and then repeat it again and again till it is cemented in an everyday behaviour. There is normally a depression behind it and possibly even earlier trauma that needs to be adressed at some stage. My advice is to be patient and try and avoid drama. Find a good therapist and pay for 2 hours and try and get some light into the mess so you can start to work things out.
I wish you well
C
I was like your wife in the little lies/cover ups I told to my wife when she saw me gambling. I couldn’t admit to her that I was throwing away my own money, you feel massively ashamed and feel you have to ‘hide it’. You feel everyone is going to think you must be incredibly stupid.
If she’s only recently started it she will have a false feeling that she’s in control, she will feel that she’ll never gamble more than she can afford to lose, like the adverts brainwash into people.
However someday soon she’ll likely win a large amount, and instead of walking away for ever with all her previous losses covered, she will get properly addicted and go back thinking she can win even more.
The only time she’ll realise she’s addicted is once it’s too late, once she’s spent all her money by the day after she got paid, once she’s applying for bigger and bigger overdrafts, once she cannot get any more credit on a credit card. When the money to spend on gambling runs out, that’s when you sadly realise.
Of course you don’t want it to come to that, but it’s unlikely she’ll listen to you much, the addiction changes you, you end up in autopilot and cannot stop yourself even if a loved one asks you to.
Perhaps you could show her the forum, not my post as such, but the early posts of some people’s diaries where they tell the story of what brought them here. How they explain that it usually started off with just a few quid, then how the chasing of losses started and now how they’re struggling to get their finances back in control, struggling to find the joy in normal life etc. Anything you can do to help her now is massive, if she’s lost a few hundred pounds or maybe a couple of thousand, get her to draw a line under those losses now before it becomes much more, walk away from them - but you must support her, don’t judge her, if you don’t she’ll go further into that hole.
Hey,
Lying is all part of the addiction! I did exactly the same! My husband never saw what I was doing on my phone, but I’d be there gambling, but making out I was doing the food shop or something.
You can’t do anything until she admits she has a problem and needs help. She’ll be in denial! Those frees bets always lead to more and it’s very likely she is spending lots of money now from what you said about her bank account.
Please stand by her, be patient and try and help. Don’t get angry. I literally wouldn’t be here today if my husband has turned his back on me.
Gambling addiction is a nasty illness, and you won’t ever understand unless you go through it (I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.)
Take care,
Claire
Will you be angry with her? This is what stopped me telling my husband. I knew he will be angry. If I thought I was going to get support I would have stopped way before it got so bad. She probably is gambling and needs your help. Rather than confronting her. You need to show that you will support her no matter what she tells you. It is going to be hard and the lies will be hard to get over, but it will be better in the long run. She needs help and you might be the person to help her start her journey.
Did you try to talk to her? If you have such guesses and trusting relationships. It's time to start a conversation.
timfev , i admire you so much coming on here.
Most people myself included would angrily confront her, but trust me that will not help it will only force the shutters up further.
Try saying calmly, `you know you can talk to me about anything right?, and if you ever need help, support or encouragement im here for you`,hopefully after a short while that should get her to open up.
Good Luck Hope it works out well.
And up the cappers.
This is part of the problem. Reasons people dont be honest is the ashamed feeling but also the scared feeling of not knowing how someone will react. Will they go mad fly off the handle go mental. Or even attack you fear of the unknown. The guilt eats away and feel alone, depressed full of anxiety. A calm logic approach is the only way to try to extract info out of an addict. Screaming and shouting will more than likely trigger off another gambling session where the person looses even more trying to win back what they have spent
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