Will this ever end?

Hi AnnieJ,

please don't feel like you are alone with this and have no one to talk to. Please keep posting on the Forum and also please make use of our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here. Our services are open 8AM to Midnight every day over the Easter period as well.

If you are feeling suicidal please also contact the Samaritans, they are open 24/7.

I wish you all the very best, and please take the advice to heart on here - you must look after you, you can not fix him.

Eva

Forum Admin

How are you feeling today ? X

Hi Annie ok so this is what I learnt. I am powerless, I accept he's a cg, I can't stop him. Leading a double life is not being yourself. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to almost ignore it. I found out many years ago, I went to gamanon. I've found betting slips because he was using money I gave him for lunch to gamble. I didn't speak to him, I called gamcare. My daughter saw him coming out of the bookies when he was meeting her off the bus, she told me, I did nothing. I knew, but I did nothing. We were on holiday and he said he wanted to watch the grand national, never been interested in horse racing, so I asked if he had a bet, £5, 'you know where that leads' is what I said. If your cg had a bill to pay and he'd gambled that money, why did you pay the £300 he gave you? I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm asking so that you think about it. If you'd shrugged your shoulders and said 'and?' Or 'what do you want me to do about it?' It turns it back to him, his problem, not yours. You negotiating for him to work for nothing, that is sorting it out for him. He has to sort his own mess out. He hasn't paid his tax, who's problem is that? If you are keeping his gambling a secret you don't want people to know, so you will keep covering up his gambling. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. You keep it secret you lie for him. It's really difficult, this will not change overnight but you have to learn this is his problem not yours. If he owes money to his old company and doesn't pay it what will happen? If he goes to court and admits it was for gambling, whatever the outcome they may stipulate that he attends GA. If you keep helping, this is delayed. Why don't you want there to be a consequence to his gambling? Because people will find out. You said if you talk to his mum it makes the gambling worse. No it doesn't. That is his choice, that is his 'excuse'. The blame game. You can talk to whoever you like. If you don't want family giving him cash tell them not to. 100% honesty from both of you is the way forward. If you can't live like this, tell him, there doesn't have to be a response from him. So if you can't live like this what are you going to do? That doesn't mean you have to end it, you just have to stop repeating the same. Call gamcare, get some support, don't isolate yourself any more. This is not your fault.

Keeping their secrets rarely ends well. Many if not most of us on this side of the forum have learned that the hard way. In my case it left the door open for Mr L to con the kids out of their savings. You may find he's playing everyone at the same game and getting all around to keep his secrets. At the very least if they know they either give him money at their own risk or (preferably) it dries up a potential source of funds.

At the moment you are acting as his safety net. Threaten that and yes, you will get anger and blame because he doesn't want to stop. It's all part of the routine but it's his choice to continue. CG's live in a dreamworld. Anything that brings reality crashing in is a good thing.If part of that means you getting support for yourself so be it. He's lost the right to call the shots.

Thank you all again for your input I have two weeks of his pay in my account this morning he demanded £20 for lunch I gave him £10 and left it at that. He was fuming that I don’t trust him I don’t carry cash as it disappears out of my purse so £10 was all I had with me. He walked off in a rage then came back shouted again it was awful a side I’ve never seen before and at one point I was worried about violence. Since then I’ve been out all day. He’s text to say I want all my money in my account by the end of The day I don’t care what you think anymore. So I guess I have my answer. Why am I putting a roof over his head, keeping him warm and fed yet I’m too scared to go home and face him?

Escalating into threatened violence is totally unacceptable. You being scared to go home is totally unacceptable. Please make sure you are safe. 24 hour DV helpline: 0808 2000 247

I think I am thank you he was giving me the hard shoulder when I got home earlier been out with the girls tonight and he’s asleep now hopefully tomorrow we will be out of angry you wreck my life gambler phase and back to remorseful I don’t know why I do this phase

Sorry I’m new to this what does cg mean?

Also what’s dv? Sorry this is the first time I’ve spoken about this to anyone but my partner so the abbrieiations confuse me x

Hi Annie sorry to hear things are so bad. Cg is compulsive gambler, dv is domestic violence. He sounds like he's in the middle of addiction, I've heard it called the 'beast' or 'monster'. Just take care of you. Be safe. You don't have to put up with this.

Thank you merry go round. That makes a lot more sense. I know it’s strange as he’d stopped for two weeks and now it’s back and worse than ever. Have had a civil conversation this morning before he went out to work so we will see what this afternoon brings

Hi Anniej,

It is good that you continue to use the forum as a support, there are people here who can support you. As mentioned previously please contact our helpline or netline for further support.

You may also want to access the support of Womens Aid and Refuge, who provide support to women who experience fear of violence and emotional abuse, and can provide practical support and advice. You can call them on: 0808 200 0247.

Well done for taking steps towards accessing support for yourself.

Warm Regards

Forum Admin

Thank you again I’ve been in touch with gam care they are referring me to a councillor after the weekend. Things are much better today back to the usual gamblers remorse/feeling sorry for himself which I’ve seen before. I’ve not really ever seen him angry so yesterday was a huge shock but will keep an eye on him

Glad you are looking at seeking help.... I honestly was really pessimistic about it all... But it has worked.. At least I know now how to act ... I don't always take the advice as we are only human ... But it's helping me knowing Iv got someone to confide in and take the burden off my shoulders so I don't feel so isolated xx