First of all I would just like to say I know what a fool I am. There is NOBODY who could make me feel any worse than I do right now. I know this is all self inflicted and only I am to blame. I know what I have done is wrong I know I am destroying myself and I also know I have to STOP. Now for the story .... This morning I put my Christmas tree up and it all started from there I will explain why a bit later on. However, In just 8hrs I have lost £1,000. I feel lower than I have ever felt before and believe me I have been here many times before. I feel ashamed, worthless,stupid,useless,a fool, the lot. I was £200 down and I started chasing my money I needed that £200 back, I didn't want to be defeated by a d**n slot machine . The £200 turned into 250,300,350,400,450 then £500. By this time my hands were shaking, I was sweating, kicking the machine and cursing it something stupid! The people next to me must have thought I was mad and I definitely felt mad. Next to those people were my friends... Or so I thought. They knew how much I was down and how much but we will get back to those in a mo. So I'm £500 down and I need to get out for some air and a cigarette to calm myself down . I called my partner in tears because I needed him to know what I had done. He screamed at me down the phone, he wouldn't let me talk, he just told me to get the **** home and hung up on me. What did I do? I went back inside and drew more money out with the hope that I could win back the money that I lost and I could go home and say to him that it's all ok I won my money back ... That didn't happen, so I continued drawing more money out. When I got to 850 I went back outside after telling my friends, (so called friends)what I had done and how much I had spent. This time I sat in my car turned on the engine and lit a cigarette. I saw my 'friend' looking outside the casino door and I knew exactly why so I left it a few minutes and went back inside to 'my' machine which I had left a reserved sign on. The woman who was sat next to me asked if those people were my friends. I said yes. She proceeded to tell me that she heard them speaking (they are husband and wife) and they said I think star has gone , she's put nearly a grand in that machine, let's go play at a higher stake on it cos it's bound to pay out now! I knew as soon as I saw her looking outside that was the reason why and that's why I went back inside and drew yet more money out. I wasn't going to let them have MY machine, MY money. How stupid am I? So I blew some more. I finally left there wanting to drive my car in to the nearest brick wall. I was sobbing so much I had to pull over to see where I was going, I didn't want to make it home. I was,am so ashamed. My family would disown me if they knew what I have done. I am sick of feeling this way, I don't like what I have become. I use to b a happy person and now I am just miserable and moody. I don't recognise myself anymore, I don't like me no more. The Christmas tree.... Christmas breaks my heart. 6 years ago 3 days after Christmas I lost my daughter. I had to bury my own child, my baby was gone and I remain broken. Every November when the Xmas tv adverts start, and the Xmas carols start playing I slowly begin to lose it All over again. I can't begin to explain the pain that I feel, the longing, the wishing to have her back ..... So this morning when I stood back and looked at my Christmas tree I crumbled. I had to get out of the house and I headed straight to the casino. It's no excuse I know but I just wanted to block that pain out for just a little while and now I am broken some more. Everyone has different ways of coping with pain, dealing with things and I guess in many ways I am punishing myself for my loss. My heart won't ever heal I know that but I wish my head would start thinking more sensibly, I wish I could find another way to deal with this heartache. Tonight I wanted to end my life in the heat of the moment, I would never have done it as I have other children that need me but that's just how I felt. I pulled over and sobbed a little more and finally admitted to myself that yes I do have a problem and no I can't control it on my own. I need help. Tomorrow I WILL NOT GAMBLE. tomorrow I will try to smile again. The money is gone now ......... But I am still here xxx
Star your story is a tragic one. I have heard many over the years. The way you were spoken to tonight in the chatroom was appalling. Judgement has no place in helping others. Maybe it's time to accept outside help as you clearly can't do this alone. GA meetings could offer you the chance to talk through your problems with others whom have trod a similar path. Gamcare offers free counselling which you could also take advantage of. How about grief counselling? I'm sure you will get support from your partner & family if you show them your committed to stop. Time to give it everything Star. I have a number of someone in my GA group who will speak to you if you wish. She also lost a child and then spent her time hiding from her grief in addiction. Let me know if you would like to speak with her. Dan x
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Sorry to hear of your troubles. Please seek help and self exclude from all of your local casinos. Every time you relapse you should put new blockers in place while feeling low is still fresh in your mind.
Hi Dan. That would be great thank you x
Hi dean and D. I know you are both right. Grief is an awful thing and I've held it in for so long to protect others around me but all I have done is destroy myself a little more. Things do have to change. I get that now! I wish I could blink and all this would be better. But you can't expect a rainbow without some rain right? X
Email me your contact address or phone no to [email protected] & I will pass them onto her
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Hi star. That's a heart breaking story. They are defiantly not your friends. They are out for them self's. It's difficult in them situations chasing is the worst feeling. I've found the chat room works wonders for myself. I don't think dean was being malishas. We were all there for you and still are. I hope things have gone ok for you when you have got home. Your partner will see that you have made that first step to change. Your kids will see that you are going to change and just look forward. If you get any urges like you will then come on here. I think we have a good group of people willing to help. Stay strong star
Hi Dean. Honestly no offence taken. To be honest I was in such a bad way I probably didn't even read what was written properly. Hi hava. Yes the chat room is great I just wish it was for longer...... It's been a real S****y day. I wish I could switch off and get some rest but I can still hear all the sounds of the slots in my head and it's driving me insane. x
I know what you mean. It's the fastest hour of the day it seems. Is there anything else that chills you out or distracts you. You could give that ago. Have you spoken to your partner yet? How has he taken it? X
Hello Star, I'm just off to bed. But wanted just to say you need to give up any purse strings. I know that if I have money in my account I will deposit. I have spoken to my Mum and promised her I will not play, within an hour later I am gambling. I cannot control the urge. You cannot control the urge. I do know it will become easier. Hopefully I will see you in chat this week. Star, don't beat yourself up over today. But don't put yourself through it again. Don't be mugged off by people pretending to be your friend. It really isn't worth it. Lots of strength, hopefully speak soon T xxx
Hi star , really sorry to hear about your sh+t day , I really feel for you right now .
Look honey!, as regards the gambling it happens ! , weve all been where you are at different points in our live's , the can't stop chasing craap we all get sucked into , and then the guilt trip we embark on , the feelings of hating ourselves and sometimes yes, wanting to end it all ?.
Darling , youv'e got to turn this around , whats done is done we can't change that , you know why you do this .I can't begin to understand the grief you must go through , year after year and at a significant time of the year as well, , particularly as you still have to put xmas on for your other kids, it must be so difficult for you .
Think about this , how would your daughter feel watching her mum go through all of this self punishment , knowing that your unhappy ? , She wouldn't want that for you would she ?.
She'd love to see her mum happy , smiling and enjoying life , her young life was tragicly cut short , She'd want you to be giving her share of love to the rest of your family .
Those people you spoke of , are not friends , more like parasites !,. you don't need them and you dont need the gambling ,push them both out of your life darling and move on as your daughter would have wanted !.
Take care sweetie , I hope things improve for you and I'm always here for support xx
Thank you for your posts. As you can imagine I have had no sleep whatsoever. Today I feel sad,drained,angry and then some. I can't carry on like this. I know the money has gone and I can't get it back but I am more gutted than I have even been before. It's going to be a very long day. Today I shall be faking a smile x
Good morning Star,
I popped in the chat room half way through last night's session and was not in a position to comment.
There have been some wise words posted and I can only imagine how you are feeling. You must have so many things running around your head at the moment. Today you must take care of yourself.
I am posting you my best wishes and positive thoughts for today.
B x
Why fake a smile if you've not got much to smile about? I don't.
CW
CW your husband must have made you very bitter. You (and many others) may be with a CG or a recovering one but you could never understand why we do the things we do unless you are or have been one yourself. I smile for my kids! They are not to blame for my stupid actions. Tomorrow I shall smile for them again.
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