The amount of money is different for everyone. Some people may earn this in a year or even a lot more. But I have only worked minimum wage jobs and I am trying to emphasise how long and how much of what I have earned has all gone. Most of the time I have had two jobs at a time. I'm 37. I never learned to drive as I didn't have money. I didn't move out of home until three years ago. I don't have any savings or investments. I don't have many clothes. I live in rented property when really, I should have a mortgage. Most of what my father left me (about £10,000 went down the drain.
It's all down to gambling. All of it. The depression. The physical tearing of my skin. The loss of people in my Life. Gambling. A disease. A cancer. A sickness.
The crazy thing is that with diseases, cancers and sicknesses-some are incurable. Happening to people seemingly at random.
Yet with gambling, we CHOOSE this. We CHOOSE this absolutely horrible Life of selfishness and destruction. Not to mention being absolutely pathetic. We choose to have this illness. I choose to have this illness.
For years and years I always used to wonder why I started. It began with fruit machines and then roulette machines. I remember lending someone ВЈ60 because some drug dealers were after him-I was never involved in those kind of drugs and a couple of his friends were my friends. I actually barely knew the guy who needed the money. Lent it him and never got it back. I remember I would go on fruit machines and it was all just fun and then I went on a roulette machine. The first time I put ВЈ20 in, I spent about three hours on the machine and got it to ВЈ120. It was amazing and I remember to this day what I felt. I felt "that idiot can keep the £60. I have gotten it back." Little did I realise at the time-that was when the addiction really kicked in and then started a Life of disgusting and terrible sickness. Literally my whole adult Life since I left studying and since I started working, I have struggled with gambling and have always found myself short of money. My whole pathetic adult Life! It's unbelievable almost.
I spent most of it on the roulette machines in bookmakers. I'd stay for hours until everything was gone. I'd tremble and I'd be too numb to even focus when everything was gone. I would recognise people from the bookmakers who in turn recognised me out and about. Some were real low lives who were now almost part of my own sad Life.
I'd also gamble online. Online roulette. Online slots. Just always until everything was gone. Then casinos thinking at least it was real in the casinos. I'd be in casinos for over 14 hours. Again I would recognise people and they would recognise me. It was disgraceful. I am and always have been and forever will be working class. I will never be rich but as a rough estimate, I have indeed lost about ВЈ50,000. This isn't money that I won and then lost, it's money that I am actually down. Imagine if I had just put that in a savings account or invested it or something. I was going through payday loans and credit cards. I even stole money. £200 I stole once. Absolutely disgusting.
As stated about £10,000 of it was when my Dad passed away. It was a death in service thing and it could have really set me up. I eventually lost all that. What kind of a sick horrible person does that? Imagine if He was watching me do that?
I would still carry on after that. Very rarely in casinos. Mostly in bookmakers and online. I kept losing. Winning and then losing it all and more. Just horrible and sinking. I would have the odd big win. £4000 on the horses was the most. Then lose it all eventually. That amount is a massive amount and I should have been happy with it. But I never was happy I guess.
I then barred myself from all the bookmakers. That was a massive thing and I have literally just stepped in a bookmakers once in two years. My girlfriend found some bank card recipets of deposits which I did on roulette. She had no idea I was gambling and always assumed I gambled small on horses and football. She had no clue they were for roulette machines. She confronted me about it. I lied to her and stupidly said they weren't mine. Obviously she found out. I literally didn't move out of bed all day in shame. So I barred myself from all bookmakers. I literally told her my next wage was hers. She could do whatever she wanted with it. She doesn't know anything. I'd lose her if she did.
But I was still gambling online. I eventually started barring myself from online casinos. I found a few months ago that I hadn't barred myself from. In three months I was up £1000. Even after years and years of gambling, I STILL thought that I could keep winning. I obviously lost it all and more. Barred myself from that now.
I seem to bet small amounts on horses and football. I went through a stage where I was just doing that and I actually really enjoyed it. But I found it hard just to keep doing that even though I was enjoying it. I kept going back to the slots online or roulette online.
Today I haven't gambled. I don't have any money to. But I know I will gamble in the future. I wish I could control myself and really control myself I mean. Because it can be fun and enjoyable if in control. Surely?
I feel the losses when people are out if control is obviously NOT enjoyable and a pretty sick way to live life. I'm trembling as I write this and as I reread it, the people I've lost, the amounts I've lost and not only mentally, but what it has physically done to me makes me want to be sick.
It's been 16 years of absolutely shameful sickness. Lies. The things that I could have done and achieved have all gone because of gambling
I wish you all the best for the future and hope you can beat this. Please join Gamstop, it’ll block all access to online casino sites
You need to block yourself- GAMSTOPand GAMBAN are great . What phone have you got?
Poblwc wrote:
You need to block yourself- GAMSTOPand GAMBAN are great . What phone have you got?
I have a Sony Xperia Aqua.
It sounds awful but football and horses...I don't mind. It's stupid. Anything else and I can't control it.
Get in touch with Gamban - they are very good at answering your questions very quickly. They will tell you if it works on your phone. Its only £10 a year. You wont be able to gamble on your phone at all after that .
Gambling is like smoking.
When you're young and carefree, "sure a cigarette won't hurt me, nor the next one, or the next" When you're in your 30's with a smokers cough and out of breath easily. Only then do you realise what damage you've done and how hard it is to stop.
Gambling is the same, just a few goes on teh slot machines, just a few goes on the 2p dropper machines, then before you know it, you're in your 30's with £20,000 debt due to gambling and it has ruined you.
You need a 5 year gamstop ban and software to stop you gambling again anywhere. I wish you well.
XM. I know how you feel. My problem is not with roulette or slots. It’s horses. Since I joined yesterday I have done the Gamstop so I don’t do online betting. I feel a different person today as that pressure is off. I know there will still be websites that I can go on, but I’m old fashioned and only want to go on the ones I know. I wish I had control of it. I would love to think I could get up on a Saturday morning, get a racing post, study the form and put a 25p Canadian on, them watch the horses in the afternoon. In the past I did that and when the £6.50 was lost I was ok. But in reality I would be watching the telly and before I knew it, phone out, log in, deposit, just a tenner, then another and another, so the £6.50 loss has now spiralled to £200. Gutted. My relationship is basically lost and the girl I love is just biding her time to leave. All for what? An illness? Weakness? Over the years we miss out on so much. I love holidays and when I’m there I was not thinking about betting, back in the day. I went to Cambodia 4 years ago and it was fantastic..until the hotel WiFi was there. Gambled the holiday funds away sitting in a beautiful location as the love of my life sunbathed and read a book. What was I thinking!! So now due to this horrible addiction I am going to end up alone. All because I think I’m going to hit the big bet. The one where you do a 25p each way acca on 8 horses and win £250000! If would not have gambled over the last 20 years I would have saved half of that. So here I am. Apologies for rambling but you people on here are the only ones I can tell. People when doing nt gamble have no idea what it’s like. So good luck everyone! We are gonna need it.
Hello XM. I feel that you have come along way, experiencing various emotions and real life situations that have shaped your past, but not necessarily shaped your future. You have have experienced many highs and lows, but unfortunately gambling always takes away more than it gives. I wish you well and hope that you can arrest this terrible addiction because looking forward there's still a chance of a great future, but only if we're prepared to accept the losses and move on.
Mjc38111 wrote:
XM. I know how you feel. My problem is not with roulette or slots. It’s horses. Since I joined yesterday I have done the Gamstop so I don’t do online betting. I feel a different person today as that pressure is off. I know there will still be websites that I can go on, but I’m old fashioned and only want to go on the ones I know. I wish I had control of it. I would love to think I could get up on a Saturday morning, get a racing post, study the form and put a 25p Canadian on, them watch the horses in the afternoon. In the past I did that and when the £6.50 was lost I was ok. But in reality I would be watching the telly and before I knew it, phone out, log in, deposit, just a tenner, then another and another, so the £6.50 loss has now spiralled to £200. Gutted. My relationship is basically lost and the girl I love is just biding her time to leave. All for what? An illness? Weakness? Over the years we miss out on so much. I love holidays and when I’m there I was not thinking about betting, back in the day. I went to Cambodia 4 years ago and it was fantastic..until the hotel WiFi was there. Gambled the holiday funds away sitting in a beautiful location as the love of my life sunbathed and read a book. What was I thinking!! So now due to this horrible addiction I am going to end up alone. All because I think I’m going to hit the big bet. The one where you do a 25p each way acca on 8 horses and win £250000! If would not have gambled over the last 20 years I would have saved half of that. So here I am. Apologies for rambling but you people on here are the only ones I can tell. People when doing nt gamble have no idea what it’s like. So good luck everyone! We are gonna need it.
It's OK to ramble and I know how you feel. It's madness what we do. But I'm a believer in keeping it under control. It's almost impossible to completely stop. I know some people can and that's amazing but I think if it's under control then that is good too. As in if you wanted to, you could go for days-maybe weeks without and then just have a little flutter and then same again.
Good luck with your journey though.
changemylife wrote: Hello XM. I feel that you have come along way, experiencing various emotions and real life situations that have shaped your past, but not necessarily shaped your future. You have have experienced many highs and lows, but unfortunately gambling always takes away more than it gives. I wish you well and hope that you can arrest this terrible addiction because looking forward there's still a chance of a great future, but only if we're prepared to accept the losses and move on.
Thank you. I really appreciate that. It's a tough road for sure.
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