Hello,
As the title above says Ive been gambling for 23 years and its come to a point where I cant continue. Much like many people out there I have hurt people, lied and become selfish. This is not me, I'm not a selfish person but this habit/addiction has turned me. Im now 45 and I started gambling whilst at University, it was a time to fill in those long periods of boredom and i got hooked. I hit my limit on my accounts, my credit cards and even used a hardship loan to service this habit. There have been many times when I've been on a winning role, 23 straight wins on the tennis, making 5 fold bets on football and taking winnings of XX again but the best feeling of all was the roulette wheel. Starting off with £1 a spin this quickly went up and when I thought that this was an easy way to make money I thought "sod it" and started going up to higher amounts. For all my stupidity and delusions in thinking that I could make a living out of this I was very aware that I would not ever bleed myself dry, although I went close on many occasions. Football and Tennis were the main stays for a good 15-20 years but they became a bit dull as the amount of winning and time it took just didnt cut it. I honestly feel that since I've started gambling on roulette my decision making and wrecklessness has been taken to the max. It came to a head 2 weeks ago when I woke up on a Sunday morning and realised that I had spent big the previous night but could not for the life of me remember exactly what I had done. I dont suspect the drinking of Gin really helped me but I suppose when you are well oiled all the inhibitions disappear and did i get a shock when i looked at my bank account. The amount is not important it was the time in which I deposited and lost and then continued to deposit and lose that shocked me, £XX in the space of 45 mins. Thats just mental and its at this point I realised that id gone to far.....
Unfortunately as most of you will know this wasnt the end and for days I went on thinking how I could win the money back so a week later and feeling confident and refreshed I went back to the wheel and of course I started to win again. Within a day Id won back £XX of the money id lost, the following days another £XX, I was only XX away from getting it all back. Time to pour a good measure and spank the banker. Yep you guessed it within an hour I was back down to my last £XX so with total desperation I went for broke £XX 0n 36, it lost and i just sat there, going over in my head what Id just done it was horrific.
Again you might think that this was the point where I said enough was enough but again you'd be wrong. It took a broken hearted partner to confront me and show me the evidence of my previous days and weeks. In just over 2 months id deposited over £XX and won £XX, £XX down and for what. Id gone into myself, totally changed as a person, I'd hurt my best friend and the person I respect and love the most. But through all the winnings all the losses none of those could get me to ever quit, the thing that has hit me hardest and felt like a Mike Tyson punch to the kidneys where these words "How could you do this to us, how could you hurt me. Ive not slept for weeks worrying if we are going to be able to pay the mortgage the bills etc. Youve lied to me and been so selfish that it makes me sick. You're supposed to be my best friend but you are keeping this from me and gambling away not just you're life but our families. You're a horrible and selfish person"
That was 2 days ago and I now know its time to change my life around, for me personally and for my family. Gambling has been a massive part of my life and I have to realise that this next chapter of my life is probably going to the hardest and most crucial. Im ready for the fight and Im going to put every ounce of sweat and determination into it. Thankyou for reading and lets smash this together
Hello PaulG1975.
Well Done for telling us your story and welcome to the forum.
Let this be your rock bottom moment and take pride in entering a full recovery.
We understand. You are far from alone. The addiction is so dangerous because it takes over our minds and makes us think its normal to be gambling away our lives.
You will now start a learning process and your partners and friends will begin to understand that you didnt do it with an evil laugh to hurt them. You couldnt help yourself as it acts like a drug addiction.
X in and X out...the addiction is beyond all that and you can see the results of what you have done. You were actually gambling your relationships and your life away.
The reaction from non gamblers is REALITY...embrace it and develop the humility, openness and honesty to discuss your feeling further
Its the classic gamblers delusion that its an easy way to make money. We often turned to it as a means of escape and it looked like a little bit of fun to spend a few minutes or hours.
Problem is its HIGHLY addictive in a way we never understood until its too late. The methods are designed to drip feed you the drug but the overall process is that the odds are against you on all levels. We like spinning reels and wheels...its hypnotic to human minds which are easily led
That is because you will be prone to make strange decisions when in the moment or trance. We ignored the odds to start with because it all seemed dreamy and the hook is in the expectation of something which seems too good to be true. Its a very strong drug in the bloodstream and its made by our own bodies and neurons connecting paths in the brain
It is too good to be true however and obviously they are not offering an income scheme as and when we need it.
Getting back at the man and spanking the banker is what they want us to think. The reality is that its an easy way to lose money because all the risk is with you. Do you think the croupier would work for an hourly wage if gambling was the answer to anything. Did you ever think the owner of the gambling site is risking their essential living money??
Einstein himself said there is no system on roulette. Instead you get the seedy atmosphere in late night casinos where grim faced people crazily spread bet and constantly get told off for placing late bets in a cold determined trance
Talk through your gambling sessions with people you love...36/1 is a pipe dream and all the odds on that wheel can take your money fast.
You will need to be living on a sandwich allowance as you show your loved ones what you are prepared to do. You will need to be monitored and accept that the trust is a small price to pay.
You build up a recovery pride but realise that you dont want peoples full trust ever again. You can never be complacent for the rest of your life but that is a positive statement for positive living.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
What have you done to prevent your access to gambling so far?
I’ve put Gamban on all devices, I’ve limited my time on the internet and my partner is being so supportive. I will be showing a statement every week to show outgoings of my account as she does not want control. So far so good but this is just the start
Hi paul,
Like yourself my 3 main things over the last 15 years have been football tennis & roulette. What I call an afrenalin better where you live on every point/every rouelette spin.
Id knock the casino & roulette on the head for a few weeks, do well & then the french open would start etc. Small highs and extreme lows. Could spend huge amounts & then realise what I could have bought with it (dont we all).
Working through covid most people i know have spent very little as nowhere to go/not alot to do... then iv been blowing it all paycheck to paycheck as I always have.
Nearly 2 weeks since my last bet after joining gamstop and I have most of my wage left. Its made me realise how much I could save before next summer & without the boredom and betting the thought of a proper holiday & normal family life is making it easier (plus I cant bet even if i want to).
Best of luck. U got this!
Bluelagoon,
I find it hard to understand the triggers. I can go months and even over a year without a single bet or thought. I’m trying to understand what it is that triggers my impulse and why I feel the urge to gamble my money, my family and my life. I’m listening to some good material at the moment, Russel Brand. Recovery, freedom from our addictions. It’s on audible, it asks to to admit your failings and how messed up this addiction has impacted on you but then goes on (not patronising) to explain ways of helping you through the process of stopping. I’m 5 days without a net, I woke up this morning and thought about the roulette wheel and the possibility of just a few goes but I questioned my reasoning and quickly forgot about trying. Looks like we both have a long way to go but each day at a time, each day is a win and a loss for the roulette wheel
good luck
Well done for reaching out for support on the forum. It looks like you are getting some very good advice from our other members and that you have taken some big steps forward in your recovery.
I just wanted to add that if you or your partner would like to speak to someone about how this is affecting you, our advisers are available 24/7. They are also able to refer you for one to one treatment that can help you look at your gambling and the triggers associated with it. To contact the advisers you can call the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or you can use our LiveChat option. Whatever is best for you.
For now, take care and keep posting.
Rebecca.
Forum Admin.
It would be a very good idea for your partner to take financial control if she can be persuaded. It gives you far less opportunity to lie and fudge and it gives her some peace of mind that the bills can and will be met.
GA is an excellent place to start identifying and addressing your triggers. They've all been where you are and understand in a way non gamblers can't. There are online meetings available right now.
I’m thinking more about how and why a lot lately. The availability of the mobile phone is far to convenient and I’ve started to limit and also question every time I goto pick the mobile up why I need to use it. What’s the reason, can it wait until later. I’m starting to question a lot of decisions which is helping and also starting to write down what gambling gives me negatively and positively, not much written on the latter. I find that once I’ve had a drink, I don’t drink to much or that often but my mind does wander and I do get thoughts of the wheel, up to now I’ve resisted. I think the giving of financial control to my partner is a good idea and something I will do. I hope that everyone on here struggling can see beyond the big wins and the short adrenaline rushes, I hope they can see that we are investing everything our money, our family our lives and our souls into something that THEY have no investment into and you wouldn’t put you’re faith in something like that it just doesn’t make sense. Keep strong and stay safe
If the phone's too tempting you could consider replacing it with an old-style brick. A little less convenience is a small price to pay for not having a pocket casino to hand. If it's a work phone you should be aware that many employers can and do monitor useage and have no-gambling policies. Using it for work-restricted purposes leaves you open to disciplinary action.
@paulg1975 I have an Alcatal £10 phone. I can text and call but nothing online. It's more symbolic now but I've done okay with it for three years without ever feeling I was missing out.
Take the temptation away and it's one more block and one less worry.
Chris.
I can resonate to your post, thank you for sharing.
It really takes someone on the outside to provide that reality check on how stupid you can be. The problem of a gambling addict is that you have tunnel vision and you’re not in a mindset where you think you are hurting anyone... but trust me, it has such an impact on the ones you care about and those who care about you... it’s a horrible feeling to hear how stupid you are but you’ve only got yourself to blame...
what measures have you put in place?
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