Almost relapsed

So, 

Tonight was the night, gf for a number of weeks. 

I did it I put money into an online account I use in my OH’s name and went to bet (on the upside I didn’t lose anything) not that it’s a good thing. I put it in went to play and then stopped myself withdrew it immediately before I’d even spent it and blocked the account. 

I spoke to my OH and told her what happened and how the urges was too strong and she agreed to use Gamstop for herself. (which I feel bad about because she can use it just for fun and walk away but it needs doing and she understands that) 

So both me and my partner are both blocked online and I’m beating this, casinos, slot machines, bookies. Can walk past them and not even bat and eyelid. Online websites, well they’re my weakness.

Also tonight applied for a joint bank account with my partners current account so she can control the finances and keep track. (We currently have a joint bank account but it’s linked to my bank and she barely puts anything in so doesn’t monitor it and I’ve been getting away with it) this way she can monitor it a lot closer and all my own current accounts are being shut down and bank account is being passed onto her, and I’m going on a daily/weekly allowance for spends. 

This is something that I know needs doing and has done for a while but the thought of handing over my finances scared me, I felt like I was losing control. But let’s be honest, I’ve already lost control. 

I’m going to bed feeling upset and angry with myself but also feeling a sense of relief and that things are going to get better. Just need to follow it all through. 

Thanks for reading guys. I nearly messed it all up, and I know if I spent that money I would have fallen back into the vicious cycle and lost a lot more so that’s a positive. Now I’m waiting for it to go back into my bank and blocked from everything and anything under both our names. 

Tomorrow will be a better day. All this has made me realise, be thankful for what you’ve got because some people don’t have the luxury of money and a roof over their heads. Thankfully I’ve got a support girlfriend and a gorgeous little boy and from now on they are my priority.