Hi all,
Here I go, another Day 0...
I've turned to GamCare in a hope that I can get gambling under control again. I say again, because I've done it once before when I was about 20 years old. I went about 2 years without problem gambling, but slowly over the past decade, it has crept back into my life, only now the stakes are much higher.
I'm 33 now and have had some sort of addiction to gambling since I was about 10 years old, playing on fruit machines in the amusements on holiday. Even at that age, I would play until I'd spent every penny. Through my teens I had some tough times. I often used to plunge myself into relatively small amounts of debt, which would then be exacerbated by hefty bank charges. It was emotionally very difficult. In my late teens, it really started getting messy, I went from being near the top of my class at school to scraping by through my A Levels and University. I put this down to the huge distraction gambling had on my life. I was working part-time in the evenings and had very little time to study. I eventually started skipping school and university lectures, because I either needed to work to get money for gambling or I wanted to stay at home and gamble. By my 2nd year of university, I had some big losses, including my student loan. I came clean to my tutor (I had no choice really) and was effectively forced by my tutor to attend free counselling and show that I had made progress so they could let me re-sit an entire year of university.
The counselling worked great for me. I felt like the commitment of time attending the counselling made not gambling much easier. It felt like there was more to lose by gambling, as I was now letting my counsellor down as well as myself. I will have committed all those hours of counselling just to throw them away.
Anyway about 2 years went by and gambling very slowly started creeping back into my life. I guess the time I'd invested into counselling had started to disappear into my distant memory. Coincidently (or maybe not), I started a new relationship about the same time I started attending counselling. Perhaps the new relationship kept my mind focussed elsewhere. After that classic honeymoon feeling of a new relationship, boredom started creeping back in. The past excitements of gambling and a new relationship needed replacing. Unfortunately for me, I turned back to gambling.
It's definitely different now. Having a full-time job and part-time self-employment on the side, makes keeping my mind occupied a lot easier. I'm most vulnerable when my partner is away or its the weekend and I have free time on my hands, I get very bored, very easily in these situations and gambling seems to be my go to remedy.
So it's been 11 or so years since my 2 year abstinence. Today I lost £6k on blackjack. A very hefty loss for me. I could have carried on and deposited, but I chose not to. I've become very good at forgetting big losses and wiping them from my mind, so I find it quite easy to move on. Although my head does feel a bit foggy now from such a heavy loss, I try not to dwell on it too much as it just makes you feel worse. Rather than gamble daily, I tend to go through periods of weeks or in some cases months, without gambling, then I'll go and lose a grand or two and "quit" again. I just never learn...
I'd say writing on a forum is the biggest pledge I've made to myself since 2010, when I first attended counselling. It was fairly easy writing this, but I'm hoping this is the first step to another clean period, for however long it lasts. I feel it gets easier as you get older as your young carefree brain is slowly replaced with a more risk-averse brain.
Anyway, my biggest challenge with inevitably be fighting boredom and finding someway of replacing that adrenaline rush (without breaking the law!). Seems like that is made 100 times harder right now with lockdown and being stuck working from home all day.
Would appreciate others experiences on this and particularly tips to fighting boredom. I've read about filling your time with things to keep your mind occupied. Great tip. But one day, I hope I can just sit down on a chair and relax, without my brain telling me to load up blackjack for my next adrenaline rush...
All the best 🙂
Hi Pugnacity
I think you have to look at the word boredom and work through whether you should be using that word so lightly.
Theres actually plenty to do that would fuel contentment through to an adrenaline rush of extreme sports.
Gambling is a drug and yes it was an easy fix we were drawn to. However I didnt realise how highly addictive it was and how fast it sets up the learned behaviour of addiction in the mind
The key to recovery is reality and taking a good look at yourself. Some people are more restless because they seek something they cant seem to get through normal day to day activities. Some people just cant read a book or watch a film without feeling bored...then they stand on a street corner and complain they are bored cos there is "nuffink to do"
They tend to seek the highs of drinking smoking and mischevious behaviour...gambling fits right in there because it feels naughty and it s a powerful drug making people feel alive..as I type this I know the feeling but Im in control of it now because I just overwhelmingly realise gambling is just a sad mugs game
I was bored of life very early on..well I thought I was...turned out I am a complex character and my own worst enemy in many ways. A loner very hurt and isolated with a strange false vanity to over compensate...Oh Im too good for them sort of thing...felt the world was against me and didnt particularly like people
I wasnt living life...I didnt like structured society as it was, I was bullied and I hated school towards the end which messed up my chances of going to university.
I wasnt so much bored as completely lost with no direction. I feel I had some sort of depressive tendencies which caused me to hide away more than experience life
I was a perfect victim and candidate to chose gambling as a high or escape because I was a mess...a drifter...drifted into jobs and drifted into relationships.
My view is this. You are looking for answers in your life but you have to ask the right questions to find out who you are. Gambling is not the answer to what you seek and never was
Most people are quite happy watching a film with their partner or planning some light activities within their means...others have got to put a jet wing on and experience life at the edge
Its more a case of we liked and became hooked on the gambling fix because there are plenty of better things to be doing with your hard earned money.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Pugnacity
I can relate to your post as my husband is a musician and spends a lot of time out in his studio and all I do to relax is watch TV/play candycrush on my iPad - which has recently led to a gambling relapse.
Feeling bored to known to be trigger for people with addictions. I'm probably like many people as there are things in life I enjoy (exercise for 30 mins a day, cooking etc) but it's not enough to fill the time and take up enough time. Watching a lot of TV also makes me feel quite low and empty - feels futile and wasteful. If I was to take my own advice I'd be saying think about what you'd like to achieve and set yourself some realistic goals to work towards. I did the Couch to 5K, joined a book club with my friends and started painting for a charity (which I want to get into again). It's going to be different for everyone but think about some things you'd like to do and take action! One of my biggest frustrations is all talk and no action. WE all need to take control of our lives and positive action to get the most out of what life has to offer. Talk to friends and family and get their advice to - maybe help to plan some activities together (for after lockdown).
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