I've had many, many lows over the past decade or so of problem gambling, but I feel today I have truly hit rock bottom. I have spent thousands and thousands over the years on gambling, I've lost partners because of it, I've lost many jobs, I have no friends and I have completely alienated all my family. I have a criminal record for stealing money from work to gamble with, yet for some stupid reason I cannot give up still. I always find a way to gamble again. I have stole off my own family, regularly lied to gain access to money to gamble with, and the years of deceit has completely ruined all of my close relationships. I do not even enjoy gambling anymore, yet it is all I ever think about, and it scares me more and more every single day as I struggle to find any satisfaction in any other activity. I struggle with strong bouts of depression, they come over me in waves and I cannot think straight or motivate myself to do anything. I think about suicide every single day, it's in my head all day long, I fantasise about finally end it all and being in peace, the only thing that stops me is that i'm terrified more of death than I am of continuing to suffer life, although it scaring me how close the two are becoming. I have three beautiful young children, but I am not fully involved in their lives because of this disgusting addiction, I want for all the world to be able to beat this and be a good dad, but I just never find a way to beat it. People close to me just dont understand it, they think its because I do not care about them or my kids, but that simply isnt the case. I love my ex partner and my kids with all my heart, and its the regret of my actions that keep me in the depression cycle, which in turn causes me to gamble again. I cannot get past my regrets in life and I gamble as an attempt to escape these issues, but obviously this is just constantly adding to the regrets further and further. I'm 28 and live in my Mum and step dad's spare room, which is depressing enough on it's own, I have ruined every good opportunity given to me. I have always been very intelligent but wasted my University loans gambling so never completed my degree, I got decent roles in restaurant management but lost those due to gambling, and now I'm really suffering as I simply cannot get a job, it's so shameful to have to declare a criminal record at every interview, and the whole daily knock back at every interview, when i know i am more than capable of doing the work is completely debilitating. And i have burned the last bridge I had left through my mum, as I sold some of her things to fund my habit. I am truly at rock bottom and can not see any way out. I've come on here as a last chance saloon, I need a miracle and I'm willing to put my all in, could really do with some pearls of wisdom from my peers. Sorry for the ridiculous length of first post
Thank you for your response Samson, I'm hoping a bit of morale support from people who understand what I'm going through will be the spur I need to finally beat this.
Hey Ross, although my addiction doesn't quite sound as bad as yours my feelings towards gambling are the same, in the end I hate it but can't stop for the need of chasing what I've lost. I'm currently married to an amazing women who I've been with for 14 years, married 7 with 2 young children. I've kept my gambling addiction hidden from them and in the process racked up an incredible amount of debt, which was beginning to get me depressed, this in turn has led to a bad patch between me and my wife which I then turned back to gambling for release, needless to say that didn't work and I've found myself in a worse position than before. It has become that bad for me that I'm not eating or sleeping and also feeling suicidal, I work away and broke down on the phone to my wife and told her everything. She now hates me and I'm on the verge of losing absolutely everything. There are plenty of people on here just like you and I've found some really nice people that have given me some great advice and words of comfort. I have contacted the gamcare helpline and started the process of getting the counselling I need to at least get to the bottom of this (hopefully), I suggest you do the same. I've also looked into GA meetings, a lot of people on here recommend them and it may do you good. I'm not sure which, if either will be for me but for my own sake I'm going to try both before I turn my nose up at them. Take one day as a time, when I wake up I tell myself how many days it's been since I last bet and tell myself that today will not be the day I put another bet on. I look at photos of my family a lot and that is giving me the extra strength to beat this. I may have lost my wife although I hope not but I can still be a good dad to my children and to do that I need to help myself. Without helping yourself you have no chance and the only way to do that is to reach out and take the opportunities in front of you, all the tools are there you just need to take them. Good luck in your recovery..I was advised to start a diary on here in the diaries section, it gives me a place to talk about how I feel and generally rant, I find it good to get it off my chest and share with others you should try it. You will get more people on there to chat with.
Thanks a lot Danny, its reassuring that I'm not completely alone out there, I imagine I'll need to cling onto that in the coming months
Hi Ross and welcome. You've got some good advice so far so I'll not repeat it. Just wanted to say you are not alone. Although you are a very low ebb at the minute there is a way back. Your kids need you around so do whatever is necessary to make a better life for them - 1st thing you need to do though is look after yourself. I'm separated from my ex-fiancee too and miss my son terribly on days I don't see him. Things have gotten a whole lot better since I got into recovery almost 6 months ago, a big part of that is down to GA (give it go, defo worth it). The way I'm looking at things is my son needs me to be there for him, to be strong and healthy and a good role model. Of course he will want to see me happy too and I'm working on that everyday. He is the reason I get out of bed in the morning.
Stick around the forum and post as much or as little as you need to. Read others diaries as well to find out how they cope and try to do the same. Things will get better even if you can't see it right now.
All the best
Thank you for your support, I think it will be a massive help speaking to people who understand. Its only day 1 so still very motivated, the difficulty is the hostility from people around me. I feel I need support from them but how can I ask for support from the people I have hurt so much. The regret and guilt is something im finding hard to control.
I'm not sure if this is correct, others may be able to comment better but I would imagine that there is more chance of you getting support from them if you show them that you want to beat this for yourself by taking those steps mentioned earlier (Counselling, GA, etc) if they see that your serious this time who knows who might step forward to help. At the minute you've lied, stolen and deceived those closest to you so of course there is hostility. How many times have you told them that you'll stop to only go back and do it again? Good luck in your recovery...day 2 tomorrow.
It is sometimes easier to carry on gambling because we can continue to mask the pain and not have to face up to the reality of our actions. Unfortunately, gambling to escape the problems caused by gambling is a paradox that can only end in tragedy. Obviously we need motivation to stop, but willpower alone is rarely enough to beat any addiction. Try GA, or SMART Recovery or a Gamcare counsellor. Just like this forum there are many groups with people who want to help others through their own experiences. Gambling is a lonely, deceitful and dishonest addiction. Recovering as part of a group helps to instill companionship, openness and honesty.
I was too scared and too proud to ask for help until my addiction almost killed me. I am now 3 and a half years gamble free and my life is better and more rewarding than I could ever have imagined. Start by doing whatever you need to do not to gamble and as the mist gradually clears you will be able to put together a strategy for the future. I stumbled many times and it wasn't until I was 9 months gamble free that I finally felt I had things properly under control. It was tough, so expect a battle, but the rewards are so much more than financial: they are truly life changing.
Good luck my friend, you are stronger than your enemy.
Ken
Sunbeam, and the above posts I can resonate with. It is a tough battle impacted by tough mental health. Catch 22.
Make yourself a diary. Join the chat forums at night, you wont feel alone and trust me, you wont feel alone.
I am only on day 3 after years of self harming with this habit, thousands and thousands and lost love.
I wish you strength and I will walk with you in this if you need
Im so grateful for all your comments. It means a lot to have some support. I have completed my first day on my diary, I'm looking forward to keeping you all updated on my journey, I hope it has a happy ending.
Im so grateful for all your comments. It means a lot to have some support. I have completed my first day on my diary, I'm looking forward to keeping you all updated on my journey, I hope it has a happy ending.
Stick the day counter on, I enjoy logging on and seeing that number change....right now as I look at 1am it's on day 7, this is only going to keep going up and up and I can't wait. Keep your chin up and keep working at it.
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