Back again !!

Hi Louise,

WOW! Thank you for sharing all this..i hear you and i definitely understand your frustrations.
Gambling...such a horrible habit..it only takes and destroys us.

You are brave to come back on here. That's the main step forward complete. Please don't give up the hope. When addiction/urges takes over, we're far from being in control. Now, you have snapped of it, please keep this determination and strength going.
I am pleased you have partner who you can lean on for support. I also think that coming out clean to him would be the right step to recovery...no matter how hard it seems now.
Blocks..ok, you self excluded..what about putting blockers on your devices? K9 is for free, just get someone you trust to put password in for you.
You have had counselling before. Good that you have learned about yourself during the sessions. Maybe worth giving it a go again? Just to work on getting your strength back and understand your triggers?
Also, many successful souls on here are attending GA meetings to keep the beast at bay and find a new way forward..maybe worth a try?

There are many ways to help yourself, but you need to start from within yourself..be honest, be true to you...feel the eagerness of recovery same as you do for the next punt...even more actually.

You can do it & you're not alone! Keep posting, keep moving away from self destruction one day at a time.

All the very best..keep up the faith

Sandra

Hi Sandra, thank you for your response 🙂

Forums is the one thing I have not tried before, but I must admit after loosing my last £6K and beating myself up (losing a stone in wieght with anxiety and fear) I have found comfort in the fact that I am not alone 🙂

I understand that you think you are in control when you gamble, but the truth of the matter is that you are far far far from control, to start off with you may be, but then the chasing of the loses takes over and you loose all rational thinking and control.......sadly the bigger truth is that even if you win, you just keep gambling with that so you can play longer !, so really it is NOT about the winning but the continuous playing !!!

With regards to my partner, sadly at this time I do not feel I can go to him and spill my guts..........I do not want to loose him and feel he may just give up on me as a lost cause (he really does not understand my gambling, anymore than I do, he works hard and saves his money). for me to say I have relapsed AGAIN, I just dont think he would get it and I could not bear to see the dissapointment in his eyes 🙁

I already have betfilter on my computer, but sadly the casino's are not blocked by it............maybe this is something I should address with the software manufacturers ?

With regards to a second bout of councelling......I feel very dissapointed in myself that I have continued...I have let myself and my councellor down, ot sure that they would take me back again, but I will ask.......thank you.

GA meetings, I have looked into them, sadly there are none in my area....something I think GA need to address (this is perhaps a bigger problem than they think).

I am trying to heal/recover/stop myself...........I really do not want to play this sorry, sad, lonely, demoralising,robbing game anymore....I am hoping that with the help of a forum and the feeling that I am not alone may be my salvation 🙂

Thank you x

Good to see you feeling comfortable here. No need to fear, we are all the same...good, bad, shameful, and so on ..we don't judge.☺

However, i sense you beating yourself up big deal..well, i would of too. (It's no good really, cause we don't help ourselves by doing so :-/).
I understand how hard it is to tell your partner..but, what i also see..you're carrying this horrible stone by yourself. Let me share one quick story. There was someone who managed good time g free..but happened to relapse...it took the soul two years of beating the living light of themselves only to come out to one close family member recently...which, in my eyes made the recovery so much stronger for the soul and the weight was lifted..of couse the ripples are still visible..everything takes time....but the light is here and shining broght for sure!
I don't want you to keep the secret and suffer by yourself. Surely explanation about "no holiday" gonna come up soon.
No way i want to push you and i understand your fears. I don't even know what i would do myself if my loved one was on the thin line cause of my stupid loosing..
I shall leave this with you..you know better. I only tried to say that weight can be lifted if you want to & recovery would become easier with extra support from the loved one.
Betfilter...hmmm..please contact them. They are for blocking gambling sites, no casino should come through the net.
Counselling - please go ahead again. Nobody will judge you. I had two sets before...i lapsed and went to see her again - they understand, they are there to help you.

GA..cannot say a lot about it. I didn't attend any meetings. Shop around, keep looking. Think of how far would you go some days to gamble?...maybe a distance for a good cause is worth the mileage...

We're here and listening..keep talking, you're deffo not on your own!

There is a diary section here..why not to start your own..more people will see it and support you on the way!

You can do it! No more loosing - start winning - one day at a time!

S x

Hi s,

Carrying this alone.............yep you have hit the nail on the head right there.................I cannot talk to anyone about this, I have learnt throughout my life that you deal with things alone, my abuse, my mariage, my gambling......I have been trained into thinking that if I ask for help it is rejected, it is not there, it is not given. I have been pretty alone most of my life and raised 2 sons alone.......this is something I need to deal with my own way..............who knows, maybe herby lays my demons reasons......it is a cry for help...but nobody comes !!! 🙁 I hereby look to you guys for the help and understanding to get me through this once and for all xx

Hmmmm..you hit the nail on the head here too... - YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE.

Help will be there and people who truly cares will be there...hey, you kick started the list here with me being one of them 🙂
I went through my life isolating and running away..only opened up 3years ago when i joined this site..all the c* rap came out to the surface..I'm not healed, no way, it's a long way esp when things were hidden in silence for more than 15 years...but you know what - IT IS POSSIBLE.
No more crutches..we don't need them. Being honest with yourself and others around you works miracles. You will not get rejected and you will get so much support on your way.

Hay...head held high right...let's do it! We're here, you can talk to us. When/ if you feel strong enough to open up to others, we will be here cheering you on!

Get some sleep now..i reckon all this mayhem doesn't do any good to sleep patters...that will change as long as you abstain and maintain.

Good to have you here!

S x

Thank you honey for taking the time 🙂 you sleep too, I am not the only one still awake battling the demons 🙂

x

Hi Louise66

Well done for coming back on the forum and telling your story. Its a great first step.

Your greatest asset is honesty and I feel you do need to tell the people close. They can be a great help because you need to move on to the next stage of serious blocks, handing over your gadgets and monitoring of your actions and finances.

Its extremely difficult if not impossible to do it on your own. You will sense its not just a case of clicking the fingers and letting willpower do the work. It doesnt work that way because its an addiction which uses every trick to control your mind.

It could well be linked to depression and stress you thought you were controlling. I played for escape and just to feel some high of thinking it was worth living another day.

You must reach out. Its not something that you can deal with just on your own. Thats the thing about gambling...it eats away and destroys people who want to be secretive and independent. There is no shame in admitting that it got to you. Its a fresh start in really tackling the problem. I dont feel being secretive is an option. Its a powerful addiction which destroys people so you have to view it that telling people close is far less painful than what gambling can do to you.

I found a visit to the doctor helpful..at least I was getting a checkover and have started the counselling.

The fog does lift and this is an early stage of getting help again.

You will get plenty of help and support on the forum. Please ring gamcare again because you need to hear a one to one voice as many times as you like.

I promise that you can beat this. The feeling is like a phoenix moment that you have the right measures in place. Being gamble free is a great feeling and you will get there.

Best wishes

Hi Louise

I've just read your thread and can so relate to alot of it.

What starts as a harmless bit of fun very sadly results in life changing events which can take us to places we would never have imagined being in.

Like you, I gradually became drawn to an addiction that I would never in my wildest dreams thought would change my life/circumstances for the worst. Between my husband and I, we were both on decent salaries bringing home in excess of £6k a month, after bills/mortgage paid etc we had £4.5k to live on with the majority being ploughed into savings. That was pre - 2008 before I had put my first pound into a slot machine. From then on, despite huge wins of over £50/£60/£70 k's, I no longer have a penny in "my" savings account, why, because I chose to deposit it in the banks of Mr Green, Mr Ladbroke, Mr Sky, Mr Mecca, Mr Grosvenor, Mr Genting and MS Windsor (and they are only a few) as I also deposited into people's banks I didnt know but chose to trust that they would pay me back. My loans that I received from them (because they knew they would get them back) have all gone and I am now left with a mountain of debt that will take another few years to recover from. Why they knew they would get them back? Because they know from my gambling behaviour that I am a compulsive gambler and I dont know when to stop, I will never win because I never stop untill every last penny has been drawn out of my account.

I am totally addicted to on-line and land based slots and whilst things are improving, I am still vulnerable to the occasional slip which has recently happened. You are right in what you say about being bailed out, I too was bailed out on numerous occasions by my family but the underlying illness was never discussed. They all know I received counselling via Gamcare, went to GA, installed web blockers, self excluded from land and on line sites and transferred all my finances to my husband to deal with, but the reasons for my gambling behaviour have never been discussed. Sadly, my slips happened in the past when I was invited to free spins or free money in my on-line accounts. That has now been addressed and not only does my web blocker stop me accessing any gambling sites, it also cuts off my internet access after 10pm till 8am whcih were my heightened times of activity. My recent slip which I am so annoyed with myself for is a local Casino from which I had self excluded had reminded me that my self exclusion period had come to an end and would I like to consider rejoining, aagh.. I am a compulsive gambler.. there was no choice in the matter!!

Compulsive gambling is a progressive illness and takes time, energy and commitment to address. We have to have an over whelming desire to want to stop otherwise we will create more heartache for ourselves and those closest to us. The majority of people on this site (but there are some fortunate ones who won't) will take a few slips before the message sinks in and the realisation of a life of not gambling carries so much more weight than the alternative.

The main thing is to be honest with yourself first and only after that will you learn to overcome this vicious, sordid passtime that robs us of a clean, healthy and wealthy way of living.

If you want to contact me via GAMCARE please do so as our paths/experiences sound so similar, if not no worries and I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Stay vigilant and on your guard at all times and never become complacent or under-estimate the destructive pattern/nature of this illness.

Best wishes

Rosie x

Hi Louise, therein lies the proof that for compulsive gamblers, it's rarely about the money! I know you have had counselling but with the amount of 'stuff' you have dealt with over the years, was it enough? You fear rejection & your loved ones bailing you out & never wanting to speak of the evil again has just proved to you that even when you ask for help, your call is not answered! Question is, did you ever sit any of them down & explain that you needed to talk about it? Or is Mr Gamble pecking @ your head telling you that it's ok to carry on because they let you down?

You have been strong to survive the life you have had but you play to play because gambling gives you an escape, some peace & quiet! We cannot win because we cannot stop but it's very hard to walk away from something that offers so much! Truth is, as you know, the second the money runs out, the pain comes back just as it was with a huge helping of other mortifying emotions on top! These forums are great but it may be worth another round of counselling to bottom out the fears that you have carried a very long time! Your GP can offer different types to what GamCare provides!

In the meantime, unless you need it, get that PayPal account shut down & if possible downgrade your bank account so you can't use it online. There are other blocking software options like Gamblock & Net Nanny which may be more effective? You have to get your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle broken as best as possible to give you time to ride out the urges when they appear!

You have been a survivor for nearly half a century, you can do this - ODAAT

Hey!

How are we feeling today? As you see - amazing support here and people really understand ☺

Keep spewing poison out, talk, share..get it all out..i assure you it will look a lot clearer soon.

Stay safe - one day a time ☺

S x

Ah, thank you soooo much guys for listening and taking the time to respond, I feel for the first time ever since this all started that someone finally understands and HEARS me !

Joydivider....FIRST INSTALMENT....thank you, sadly I feel I cannot share my dirty secret and be honest with loved ones for the following reasons:

I have a partner, who does not understand gambling on any level, he has bailed me out on many ocassions (making himself bankrupt into the bargain). We have known each other since we were 5 and been togthether as a couple for 14 years. I love him dearly, more than I have allowed myself to love ever before. He is a very deep thoughtful soul and we dont really have 'heart to hearts', we are just best friends/lovers so to speak. We dont live together either, which I think is a major issue.....its a bit complicated, but I have a HA 3 bed house and have my 2 sons still at home (aged 30 and 31), neither of them have conventional jobs/savings/or anything behind them, 1 is building a computer game (which hopefully one day will come to fruition) the other helps out with my couriering and is battling his own demons from insecurities and weed/coke abuse ! my partner has 4 children and 3 grandchildren, 1 of his sons lives with him in his 2 bed HA flat 100yards away from me. I spend most of my nights at his, He has tried and failed at living with me, because he could not tolerate my children, or my over bearing/needy/demanding mother who lives on the same estate as me and watches my every move ! my father left home when I was 13 and quite frankly I have been looking after my mother ever since !! this in itself is a whole story.....one which I will touch on later if you are all still interested lol. My sons know of my gambling problem, they have seen me go into melt down after loosing everything, my eldest was part of my last company when I gambled away £25k worth of clients money !!! they too do not understand the draw/addiction...it's a case of you have done this before....have you REALLY not learnt your lesson ! my other family member is my younger brother, he is the one that has bailed me out again, at first when I told him, his partner (who has an alcohol addiction) and my partner with the word cards he was initially supportive, but I think that was because he thought I was going to tell him something awful about my health, that in the end he was relieved it was about my illness of gambling ! he bailed me out again a few weeks ago and made it very hard for me when I had to beg, (he was very 'off' with me and say this is the last time and that if he made it easy for me, I would never learn ! That is something I did not need to feel....I was already on the floor....it pained me in the first place to have to ask...I AM TRYING TO LEARN...I am trying to re-programme my brain, that I will NEVER win, I will always end up back in this dark horrible place. I WILL GET THERE !

my other support network is one of my friends (whom I have not seen for a few months), due to working so much. She had been great in the past and took my bank card off me and dealt with my finances. i will add at this point that my partner now has my bank card and I have his, should I need to use a card (as I swore to him and always believed that I would NEVER EVER in a million years use his card online ....I would get caught if I did that, so the fear was always there......however, I DID use it last time out of desperation, like you do.....I put through 4 transactions totalling £250 and then lied to him and told him it was for some online literature for my son !!!!!!!!! needless to say, I have not paid this back yet, he has questioned me about what it was for.....my stomach was like a vice, my god please dont let him find out, I had lost nearly a stone in weight with the worry of it all...each day waiting for him to question me.........he appeared happy with my explanation of the spend, but is not happy that I have not paid it back because it is to do with my son and he begrudges spending anything on him when he should get off his a**e and work like a normal human being (cant say I blame him) but feel really bad that my son is getting the flack behind his back for something he has not done...payday is Saturday and that will be transferred to his account as the first thing I do.

So that is my support network...pretty c**P really, when It boils down to it, on this front I AM ALONE. feel there are probably 1000's of us out there who are in the same boat, but terrified to speak of it......

So once again thank you for listening...I do rather ramble on when I get going, maybe this is my therapy ?

ODAAT, thank you also for sharing, I will answer questions from you all as and when I get the time to do so...........for now I need to stop typing and get to my partners as he will be waiting for me xxxxxxxx

Payday thank god is fast approaching, so my dark fog is lifting slightly...........it is just the mourning of the funds that I have lost that still hang heavy over me......I would have had such a healthy bank balance this month 🙁 but hey ho....I cannot keep torturing myself...I have done what I have done, I cannot change the past only the here and now..so for today 10 days clean I will bid you all a wonderful gamble free evening and speak to you again tomorrow xxx

Thank you for checking in hopeful soul.......yes, as you can see I am spuuuing lol. Right now at this point I have goosebumps from emotion that someone cares.......I feel blessed...........Thank you all from the bottom of my heart...I shall go now or I could end up shedding a tear or a 10000000 xxxxxxxx

No need to respond to me Louise...Use this site as you see fit otherwise it could become another burden & you have enough on your plate! If you find comfort being here, I would thoroughly recommend a Recovery Diary...They are much easier to navigate for us 'oldies' with limited computer skills!

Hope you have a relaxing evening tonight. Onwards & upwards tomorrow - ODAAT

Hi Louise, i have been reading your posts, as i have suffered for ages from being a cg. Once I start i can't stop, my feelings go out to you, lonliness, boredom they cost us cg's a lot in monetary terms. The western evils - happiness - how do we attain it? I think the stories on this site, can help a lot with understanding gambling, but that face to face problem sharing is missing when you are on here. Anyway basically I was on your thread to say, I can completely relate as to why you have gambled, let' s hope we can stop for good.