Back in from the cold

Dear all,

I am not a new member per se. I registered this name last year, and used to post a lot under the ID 'foolishboy' eight or nine years back.

Some tough stuff has happened since then. Some tragic and beyond my control and some completely self inflicted.

I gambled life changing money online and at bookmakers, and my need to gamble took over every aspect of my life. I would gamble in bed, at the office, in the toilets, when in the bookie's, at the hospital, in hotel rooms, even in business meetings.

So where am I now? Well I started GA (again) almost 3 years ago, got a sponsor, and after relapsing very badly once, and less badly again, I worked the 12 steps of recovery with his guidance. The steps were hard. They require complete trust in the sponsor and forced me to confront buried anger, guilt and most of all resentments.

And now... life is better. My partner does not completely trust me, my finances will never return to the old levels (I had a high-flying income, and a complex life being away nearly all the time), but things are better. I can find pleasure in normal things again, and don't have the need for chaos and constant frantic movement.

This forum has been a source of great comfort in that time. I apologise for not contributing until now. Truly I would not have had the confidence to advise anyone after falling down so many times in the past.

Remember, recovery from this monstrous addiction is a life long job whichever path we choose. I definitely have not re-introduced myself to say 'look at me, it can be done!' As I have 18ish months abstinence, after 20 years of madness.

I have noted differences of opinion in the forum on various topics, particularly surrounding taking responsibility for our gambling. Here's my take. I had to let go of the guilt, and the time and money thrown down the drain. Full stop. It was my future I could control, not my past. If I focused on the past, the pattern repeated itself. Looking only forwards was necessary for me.

My partner on the other hand, will never quite see things as so clear cut. That is understandable. I let her down and lied to her. She does not know what it feels like to need to gamble like I needed to breathe. I do.

I sure didn't ask to become an addict, but it was 100% my responsibility to get better, for ME.

I am one spin from being back there. That is why recovery is my job every day till I die. Is that too much effort for me? Well it's better than the alternative!