Being brave

Wow, I've done it! I had my assessment meeting today with a breakeven counsellor. Sounds easy, no it wasn't. I messed up a couple of years ago, thought i had it I didn't. I "played" again but this time I really really messed up. I lied, hid it, caused arguments to be left alone to "play". I ended up in a position where I felt I had no choices at all, the hardest thing I think I've done was to admit it, I told my husband (who had been supportive the first time) he went crazy and told me to leave. I didn't, I didn't want to and I needed him to listen. He did, we are working through it, it's not easy but the relief of putting it out there has far outweighed the anxiety of hiding it. I signed up with gamcare and started reading, I realised I'm not alone. This led to me contacting breakeven. Not everyone is ready to do that, I wasn't sure but I tried. I'm so glad I did, I had a 9am appointment, and didn't sleep through worrying. I walked in all laughs and jokes and "unfazed" inside I was in bits. I sat down, he spoke, I cried, he spoke, I cried, we filled in forms, I cried, I called myself an idiot - he said "you're here, how can you be an idiot if you have faced head on a problem and turned up here", I listened, he spoke, I asked questions, he spoke. I left, I cried. I'm trying, that's it, I'm trying......I'm not alone, I have found help. For me it's starting. Be brave, when you're ready, be brave. I AM NOT ALONE, neither are you. I'm going to have my next session in around 7 days, I am beginning to think of looking forward, not excited, but not alone. Just be brave, I'm trying and I hope you can be too.