Hello, looking for some support. I have been with my husband for 10yrs, married for 2yrs and have a beautiful 4 month old baby. I have just found out he has been gambling and is in over £50,000 in debt. 4 years into our relationship I discovered he had spent our holiday money on football bets. He repaid me, agreed to avoid betting sites and promised he wouldn’t do it again. At this time I said if it happened again I would leave. 6 years later and with a baby in toe, I discover (after lots of probing) he has slipped into stocks and shares. He tells me it started with a desire to give us a better life which then spiraled into getting loans and credit cards chasing his loses. He has reassured me (again) this won’t happen again, that a weight has been lifted now that I know and he will do anything to engage with treatment. He is engaging with counseling, attending the group, has showed me financial records and is happy for me to have financial control. He has also downloaded the software banning him from sites.
Am I fool for believing him? Should I follow through with I’ll leave if you do it again? I need to think what is best for my baby. We deserve better than this. I know the risk of relapse is significant but more successful with support. Do I give him a chance given this is the first time he has admitted it’s problematic behavior and shown a desire to change those behaviors? Can our marriage survive this and the trust rebuilt? Are my words empty if I don’t follow through, does he need a consequence for his behavior?
Hi and welcome to the forum. This is a tough one to answer. For many on here they have gone on to have fully successful recoveries and the relationships have gone from strength to strength. For others, the partner of the gambler could not see past the deception and loss of trust and the relationship has ended. I'm over 100 days gamble free now but in the second group with my wife leaving me. For me, i feel like I'll never go back, but if you read many stories on here, people can relapse if they let their guard down at any point. Its great you have access to his money and i would suggest you take that financial control. If he is serious he will allow it. There are people in my GA meetings who's partners still have this control, after 10 plus years. This can cause feelings of mistrust from the other side, especially if the gambler things they are cured, but in reality its the safest option for you to have the financial security you require as a family.
My advice to you is to make sure he is serious. Get all his bank statements, credit reports, witness his blocks in action, or see it being installed. Give yourself the knowledge that he is safe from gambling. Then take control of his money. He will get pocket money from you, until you deem he is safe from harm and his debts are paid off fully. He has to understand that you need all this for your financial piece of mind. He's shown he cant be trusted with money so he needs to be cut off from it. Yes he did it for a chance at a better life for you both. That was my excuse too, but in reality it was because i was addicted and that addiction needs to be addressed.
You are in a situation that you have had no choice in and it's only his desire, and your willingness to accept, or leave, that will get you out of it. One way or the other its up to you. Full control and one last chance, or safety and security out alone but without him.
Wishing you all the best. I hope everything works out for you.
@7jwiamlp5b Hiya. In answer to your question 'Can he recover?' yes he can. But whether he will or not is a different matter.
After reading your post I think that there are some really good signs from him that he is on the right path. He has given you financial control, downloaded the blocking software and is proactive in joining a group and getting counseling. A gambling addiction is a cruel illness but he seems to be taking the right steps.
Has he also joined GAMSTOP? It will mean that he is unable to gamble at all online for up-to 5 years with any online provider.
Also make sure that you have 100% access to all money and statements. Don't relax this at all.
I insist that all my cards are locked in a keysafe that only my wife knows the code to. I have one debit card that I use with the security number scratched off so I can't use it online for gambling. My family is the best thing in my life and I would give my life for them in an instant. However I have a gambling addiction and don't trust myself at all with money, I have gambled money that I could have used for a better life for them.
I could not agree with weirdfish more. You did not ask for, or deserve any of this.
Part of you must feel that you want to hold on to your words and end the relationship as that is what you stated you would do if he gambled again. However a good relationship takes work and compromise from both sides, even if one of the sides is blameless.
I am in no way telling you what to do but given that he has been open and is taking appropriate steps to rectify his issue it may be worth watching and waiting.
Whatever you do, all the best
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