Hello below is an entry I wrote 7 months into rehab............7 yrs on and the demon is standing tall and winning me again,
how has this happened?????
I wont bore you with my detailed past but in a nut shell im a civil servant who nearly lost my job and much loved wife and kids through letting the demon that is gambling take control of me.
I see gambling as a demon who lurks in my mind, a powerful source of evil that feeds on my sorrow and my gambling. With every bet, every cash withdrawl, every sleepless night, every lie and every guilty piece of consience he grows, getting bigger and bigger, stronger and stronger.
I finally drew a line under all my gambling 7 months ago when my demon was running wild in my mind and i was on the brink of losing everything and pressing the self distruct button . I was at my lowest ebb, fragile in mind and spirit and totally at the mercy of the demon that was gambling.
My wife my children my job even my sanity meant nothing to me all i wanted was my next bet. It hurts so much now to write that my wife and children meant nothing to me they are my world and they meant nothing. I was at the mercy of my demon.
I called gamcare and started counselling, i had an initial assessment and was offered the maximum 26 sessions such was my problem - at the minute its working and life is so so good, i am back, i am happy, i am normal, i have my health back, my mind back, and my family has the old "me" back.
In the first weeks months I carried a photo in my pocket of my family and everytime i wanted to go into the bookies i turned to that photo as a source of strengh to keep the demon at bay.
7 months down the line and my demon is weak and lies slumped at the back of my mind as i have starved him of any power or strengh, but i know that should i place that next bet, should i go into that next bookmakers i will be offering him that bit of power and feeding him that bit of strengh and once more he will slowly come to his feet and rip through my heart and soul and once more rule me and my thoughts, taking my health, mind, and happiness once more and next time probably my one love - my family.
When a woman gives birth - at first she refuses to even think of having another child saying the pain was too bad, but as time passes the memory of the pain eases and the thought of having another baby slowly seems not a bad idea once more.
This is the same as gambling and losing , the pain, the guilt, and the emotion hurts for the first few days but over time the pain is less and having another bet doesnt seem too bad, as a compulsive gambler like myself i remind myself of that lonely isolated person who sat in that chair seven months ago pouring his mind out to a complete stranger and swear to myself i do not want to be that person again and i do not want to feel those thoughts ever again - because it is so, so, hard wading through the fog trying to get to the other side.
For anyone who is in those early days stuck in the fog, be strong, its hard now but every day your clean of gambling is every day your demon is slowly bending to his knees becoming weaker and weaker and you become stronger and stronger slowly becoming the person you know is inside you, a good person who is ill and who needs to get better.
Good luck
Hi
Not really in a position to give advice
But this i will say if you gamble again you will loose it all.
The demon will tell you its been months you can control it a few bets here and there whats the harm
Well the harm is you cant control it if you want to see what will happen if you start again
Spend a couple of days in the most rundown s**t hole room you can find no family no friends no job.
What i am saying may should extreme crazy even but believe me it happens.
You have done so well holding out this long keep carrying that photo.
And imagine to your self another man raiseing your family.
sorry to be harsh but again if you gamble it can only end one way badly.
Believe me as a guy who did loose his family/home there is no win in the world that will take away that pain.
If i could chose between having the winning Loto numbers or having my family back and being the person i once was, there be no contest. speak to your wife increase the barriers no money no gamble turn over all finances
Try to find an interst that stimulates you running computer games anything to fill the gap gambling leaves.
I too became bored with the 9=5 working life but i would give anything to have it again.
Cheers Mark, the demon picture I create in my mind does sound mad I know, but I've learnt that, after 7 years he was slumped but breathing, I started feeding him, stag doo to the races, football bets, small bets, then over a period of time booom he's alive I'm betting on anything and everything. The wife talks sence and challenges me and I put up barriers and make nonsencual reasons and I was back in total denial........for god sake I spent 26 hard emotional sessions seven years ago ridding myself of this illness only for me to let it grow back again!!!! I'm in my own world, in my own foggy mind w*f???
Mate.
I wish you could see me face to face and see the damage i have done to my familiy and myself.
If i won the lotto i would not heal the wounds i have inflicted on my kids
Stealing from them becoming violent on one occasion towards my wife.
By the sounds of things you have not reached this point yet
but know this every person has there limit and your wife will reach hers
The sad thing is we CG will use every trick in the book and most partners will forgive time and time again
In are minds the worsed will never happen we will win are money back, are wifes will forgive us
Then one day it all comes to a head.
and theres very little chance of coming back from that once a partner reaches that point.
My wife forgave me for losing are home savings the lot
then after a very heavy gambling session i won and lost 12k in the space of one night.
The next day my wife packed my case handed me what litlle money we had left and told me to go.
The CG thought she will calm down and give me another chance that was three years ago.
I have been living off the good will of relatives since then basically i am homless.
My family have ran out of good will, i now live in a one room bedsit paid for by my ex.
I hand her all my dole money.
I have had to watch as my now ex wife went on dates with other guys my kids went from happy kids to
Troubled teens my oldest girl will not even talk to me.
i only get to see my grandchild if she happens to be in the house when i am visiting my other two girls.
I walk around aimlessly like a homless guy to mentally ill to work full time anymore.
Just seven years ago i had a good job loving wife and three kids who loved the ground i walked on.
This post may seem to you that i am b******g about me, its not mate its what can happen
To you unless you stop this demon is progressive nobody thinks this will happen to them i did not think i would sink so low as to steal from my own kids.
So mate i say this tell your wife whats happening if you feel she will give you another chance do it now.
Then cut of your supply to money i have only been gamble free for six weeks.
I did manage to earn some money this week cutting grass i handed it all to my ex.
i have about three pounds in my pocket and happy to be that way you cant gamble what you dont have.
Again sorry if i have been too blunt but thers no sugar coating this you still have a family job and home
Dont be a fool like me get the help you need.
Treat this relaspe as a blimp and try to put the past behind you.
Mate, this is not easy for me to write but just before i stopped
I was arrested for stealing. i had every intention of topping my self.
Did not want to put my family through any more drama.
I really thought i was for the best i not writing this so people can feel sorry for me
But theres something about the way you write makes me thing your at a crossroads
You could go either way i hope by telling you all this you chose the right path,
Mark
Thank you so much for your reply..........Christ your everything that frightens me to my bones.
That reply has sent a chill down my spine.
Your bang on about The cross roads - The demon that lurks in a CG head is untreatable with medicine, it never dies, it never goes, it just lays dormant .
I'm at a point where, with a nice house a remarkable wife and three kids and a good job I'm on the edge.
I really did forget that I'm a CG??? 27 years I've been throwing good money down the drain, I stopped for 7 years and f*****g forgot I had an illness one that can't be treated or removed, but one like you rawly point out can c*****e every part of your being.
It's a crazy illness an example was yesterday - went to get some protein for the gym, went to the counter and the assistant said £25 please, I gulped and put it back, expensive that I thought?
in the bookies I would put £25 on a dog and not blink an eye when it lost???!!!!???
eh what's that about?
Im frightened, your correct, it was a blip, the past 6 months gambling like a mad man, running in and out of the house, spending hours in bookmakers, lieing to the wife of my where abouts, returning home in my own world, red faced from the adrenalin, working overtime to make up for the overtime money I have lost, it's all a crazy mushed up mind blowing personality draining world.
IM walking away while I can.
Thanks so much Mark for your brutal and honest reply, thank you so so much.
Marko - what an honest and sobering post. You have helped me a great deal. You are really brave for documenting that and I wish you the very best. I know that all came from the heart.
Glad i could help lads.
You guys have a lot of good living ahead of you
I just wish i could have had the sense to stop before things got so bad.
Theres only one of five possible out comes form being a CG
divorce, prison, bankruptcy,madness, homelessness
In my case all but prison, So far
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