Hi All
So last Tuesday I hit rock bottom with nowhere else to go. As ashamed and disgusted as I am to admit it I disappeared with the intention of ending my life. I know how selfish and easy that option is but it was such a dark day it’s all I could think about. I gambled everything I could. I borrowed money from family and friends took loans and stole money from my own business. I pawned my wife’s jewelery and spent any savings I had for my 2 year old son. Real s**m of the earth. How did this happen. At every turn I justified it. I have my own business (a restaurant) but I was hoping to land a consultency job which would have gotten me out of the hole completely. That fell through last Tuesday and so every promise I had made to pay people back fell through too.
Any way right now I’m glad I didn’t commit suicide purely because of how selfish it is and how I have a sense of responsibility to these people I owe money to and my family.
I came clean to everybody. My wife, my family and her family. My wife needed time to sort her feelings out and after the initial relief I was ok that has now turned into confusion and anger. I am with my parents now and she is coming to see me and wants me to tell her everything in every detail. The difficulty is knowing what is true and what is a lie as I have lied for so long. I’m so nervous to see her today I’m shaking all over. How did I do this to her and my beautiful little boy let alone all my friends I can’t pay back.
I haven’t gambled since that day and currently have no desire to but No matter what happens with my wife today I don’t want to take any risks. So here I am. Looking for help and support and to try start some form of fixing/healing/mending process.
Thanks for reading
Hi Ad,
I'm so sorry you have got to this point but the only way from here is up. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to be able to get back up.
It's so sad that you felt the only option you had was to end your life, but it really wasn't/isn't. You are more important than that. Yes you've made mistakes but by coming clean to everyone you have made the first steps to repairing your life.
I can understand you being scared to see your wife but the fact she wants to see you and wants to talk shows she cares. She will be angry, hurt and upset but you have to let her feel those emotions. Tell her everything she asks and honestly. You owe her that and your little boy. It will make it easier for her to understand and will also be a weight off your shoulders.
How were you gambling, was it online? If so then register to Gamstop. Means you won't be able to gamble online anymore. If it's bookmakers, self exclude.
There is plenty of help and support here and things can always be mended. Not always exactly back to how they were but like I say from here for you the only way is up. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope it goes well with your wife today.
Gemma
Thanks Gemma & thanks ALN
ALN I read your comments before I wrote this post.
I have spoken to my wife just now for a few hours. So horrible to see first hand what I have done to her. Why she is giving me the time of day I will never know but my drive now is to be the husband I should have been to her in the first place. I have been so distant from her and kept her at arms length for so long as I knew what I was doing to her. Let’s see how things go from here.
Dear Ad1984,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your honesty on your post. As previous posters mentioned, rock bottom - as hard as it feels for you right now - is a good thing, it sets change in motion, and change is what you need.
Well done for talking to your wife, I can imagine it was a very challenging conversation, but as ALN says, this is your foundation.
If you haven't done so yet, please call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our Netline here for some one-to-one advice and support and maybe to discuss treatment options.
Also I would also recommend you go and see your GP, just to have a chat and discuss how you have been feeling, especially that you have been feeling suicidal. Just to keep yourself safe so to say.
Please keep posting as well.
Wishing you all the very best in your recovery,
Eva
Forum Admin
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