Hi everyone,
This is the first time I've ever posted on a forum about my gambling problems, although I have read many of your stories before.
I have been gambling for around 5 years however in the last 3 years I've been on a rollercoaster of highs and lows courtesy of online gambling. I am extremely lucky in that I have had some wins, and have never gotten myself into debt, but have easily burned through £50k + over the last 3 years. Instead of being thankful I am financially okay, I could cry looking at all the things I could have done with that money. It eats me up inside regularly, and I hope one day to come to peace with it.
To bring you all up to date with my story, I used to gamble spare money, just odd amounts when I had a really good month at work, and never over a few hundred a month. I then won a large amount of money and thankfully invested over half of it in property, but before that, I managed to spend a huge amount chasing that same win. There is nothing that has ever replaced that feeling of pure elation, and I gambled purely to get that feeling again. After 5 months of gambling nearly every evening, I checked my online banking one night and realised how much I was spending, I think I nearly fainted from shock, and vowed that was it - no more gambling. For a few months I was okay, but then I began to relapse every so often, and one night I spent my £3000 work bonus in around 4 hours. I have no idea what I was even playing, I just remember putting £50 in my account every 10 minutes, and I didn't even realise how much I'd spent until I checked the deposit history. When gambling, I just seem to block out any rational thoughts and descend down the rabbit hole, throwing money into the account until I finally come to my senses that I'm not going to win, and I may aswell have just set £100 notes on fire for the last few hours. I relapsed a lot. Like one week a month I'd go crazy and then feel terrible for the rest of the month.
Tonight I just had an urge to gamble, I've been relatively clean, set myself a £50 monthly limit on one betting site and stuck to it for a few months, sometimes not playing at all and tricking myself into thinking I was in control of this horrible disease. However, tonight I realised I had another account on a different site where I didn't have a deposit limit. BIG MISTAKE. I knew I had no money on my debit card I could spare towards gambling as I don't get paid until this week, and instead used my credit card which I haven't used for a year or two and spent £650 in an hour or two. Once again, it was like I blacked out whilst I was playing/depositing and thought I'd only spent £200, and felt physically ill when I realised it was triple that and I just didn't have any idea. Like I said, I am not in trouble financially but this does not make me feel any better right now. Rock bottom is still rock bottom and I feel like tonight I have finally hit it once too many.
I am terrified one day I am going to waste all my money, and never be able to recoup it. I lie awake at night, my body vibrating with anxiety that I am going to ruin my own life and that my brain is poisonous and cannot be trusted to stop whilst I am (technically) still ahead. I don't feel very ahead right now. I haven't won any money in a year, but still I continue to gamble. I feel like I am worthless and will never be able to beat this.
Winning has almost been as much of a curse as losing to me, I don't believe I ever would have spent this much time or money gambling if I hadn't won any money and I am sad that the thing I chase most in life is a gambling high.
I will be seeking advice on how to begin recovery, and have already self excluded myself from the two accounts I was playing with tonight, but am keen to hear if you all have any advice on how to stop chasing that high, or if there's any techniques you use to stop and think before relapsing.
Thank you, and wishing you all a successful recovery too!
Hi and welcome
I have read your post and want to offer support. Do you mind me pointing out that whilst maybe technically ahead you are mentally impacted on the behind.
You will not get that euphoric high again. I have won large sums of money too. It just goes back.
You could have stopped but you have become addicted in searching to hit that high.
For starters block the accounts. I set limits etc but always had a way round like you have found.
We have to learn to live again without gambling in our lives and find new highs, normal life
highs. Until recovered we wont find that out.
Ony 4 days in now and but I am ready to give up. I want this and it sounds like you do to.
So self exclude. Any cards report lost an when the new ones arrive get someone to scratch off the 3 numbers on the back.
Buy gamblock if you can or download a free blocker.
I have gambled for years so I am not the best advisor but there are many here who are a long way into a gamble free life and they will help and support you
Hi Georgie23
Welcome!
What strikes me is that you do understand some of the key factors of a gambling addiction
I will take your points as they come up. Yes I think you realise that gambling has horrors in store like divorce bankruptcy homelessness and thoughts of suicide. I suppose you can count your blessings you want to stop now but dont let your mind play the game of fooling you that you had it in control in any way. That is a huge sum of money and the most irresponsible and dangerous thing you were doing with it. Many gamblers minds think they were ok until the next stage down then ok till the next low and so on.
Its clear you have been trance gambing as I call it and you dont have control as a compulsive gambler
You must come to peace with the money... thats gone! We all have our own schemes for doing that. Start again...do some good in the community...fix childrens bikes up...spread some donations for hospices but do something that gives you a new focus. To a degree we all have to say its only money but use your money now for good positive things.
Its a calm peace...calmly let it go and let the agitation and memories gently fade. We have to because it eats us otherwise...any bitter thoughts just lead us to get depressed and mor likely to relapse. It is only money because we have to seperate ourselves from it. I am noy just a loaf of paper tokens and neither are you. Essentially posessions and monetary status mean nothing if we are not ok with ourselves
Start a new hobby...get some real interests and excitement...Gambling is not the answer to anything.
I know all the triggers and most reasons. Like all problem gamblers you will now be experiencing some real confusion how it grabbed you because we gambled for the wrong reasons anyway. You are substituting the highs you should be getting from life with a dangerous activity.
You are exactly right in that "winning" is just as dangerous. Indeed the industry know through psychologists that it does reinforce extinction gambling and that the money is just as likely to go back in. we can not win because we can not stop
I hope you will take serious blocking measures and I hope you have people close that you can talk to. There is no room for half measures...blocks blocks and more blocks from all possible accounts are what you need now. So there will be no way in even if you do think about it. over time you will think about it less and less with the ideal eventually being you wonder why you ever did it
Its so serious that your gadgets will need monitoring...are you ready for that?? because thats the level it takes really or handing them over altogether.
This allows the mind time to heal
Anyway enough for now but I hope you will continue to use the forum and read about the misery gambling has caused. This focuses your mind.
Best wishes
All i can say is stop and never go back.
I fought gambling addiction for years. What started off as fun bets on football became spending all my savings on horses and greyhounds 15 years ago in the bookies...then i just always gambled all my wages including overtime money.
I even booked our wedding then spent the money and we had to relocate.
I won few thousand a few times bit i always wanted more but that more always became losing thousands.
Finally i feel i am beating it....telling my family who are all behind me and going to counselling. I won't go back to it as i have finally realised there is so much more out there for me.
Stay strong
Mba
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