Hi all. Wow. I've spent years reading everyone else's story and now I'm finally writing my own.
I began gambling around 16 and now I'm 32. It started off as 50p tricasts on dogs and football coupons with the odd go on the fruit machines and has developed into something much more serious over the years.
I have an addiction to all forms of gambling really although stake the most on FOBT's and up until recently online slots and roulette. I have self excluded myself from what must be just about every online casino going.
The transition throughout my twenties to where I am today has been quite frightening to be perfectly honest and I would estimate has cost me in the region of 50 to 60 thousand pounds but more importantly the trust of everyone I've ever loved and cared for.
I am separated from my ex partner and have 2 beautiful sons aged 6 and 4 who thankfully don't know any better at this stage and still believe that I'm their superhero dad that can't do anything wrong, but I know the truth and it's tearing me apart inside.
I have recently lost my job through this addiction and it is having a really negative impact on my mental health. When I wake up I think about gambling, before I sleep I'm checking the racecards for the next day and when I'm sleeping I'm seeing reels in my dreams and hearing theme tunes from different games. It's turned into a real life nightmare and I need some form of help or support so that it doesn't destroy the rest of my life.
I'm no expert on behaviour but I don't consider myself stupid either. So why then am I pumping every last penny I have into a machine? It just doesn't make sense and I know I can't figure it out or else I'd have stopped it by now. Leaving myself with no money for food, rent or to take my kids out time and time again and yet still the penny hasn't dropped. Even the lies, the guilt, the embarrassment, the shame of it all hasn't made me change my ways and now I figure it's me and only me who can make some sort of change to beat this horrible illness.
I appreciate this post might be a little longer than most and appreciate your time and patience for reading this far. I do feel some comfort for writing it all out and would sincerely appreciate any feedback or comments from those of you who have chose to read it.
Thank you.
I say every thread deserves a reply. I can relate to everything you say (everything). Its rubbish when as a gambler you think you can always win but you always lose because you can't stop. This week for me (I hope) the penny has dropped i will never in the long term win because when i start winning i can't stop playing. I tried to restrict it but every time it takes over valuable spare time. Also 'I wished' on this site hammered home the message, keep playing and you will end up with nothing. So I am stopping and when the pain of the last loss subsides, i won't be able to play, no on-line casinos left to have me, no local casino to go to (barred) and twenty bookies all self-excluded. So i will change, i have no choice. I think you are at that point, I guess you are at least 20 years younger than me, so you can re-build, all other forms of enjoyment can be so much better than gambling and so much cheaper ! - Exercise, socialising in the pub, gardening, taking kids to the park, decorating. Don't keep gambling until you are too old like me to recover from the damage.
Thank you for your reply and comments. I must say a lot of what you describe does strike a chord and in particular the amount of time wasted on gambling and thinking about gambling when I could be doing other things that are more enjoyable and more fulfilling really does make me feel low and if I'm honest very selfish.
I wish you all the best in your personal battle and I'm sure you will stop permanently. I read some other posts that mentioned the crave for a big win and the buzz of it all but I've had that numerous times and it's never been enough. I always go back, so your quite right when you say keep playing and you'll end up with nothing. Very true indeed.
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