Do you really want to give up? REALLY!!!

I've been to this site many times over the years. I wonder how many people have gotten out of this horrible disease. Not me yet! 38 and been gambling as long as I can remember. 

It's all too familiar, this feeling! I've felt it many times before. More times than I would of ever cared to feel. 

Yep! You've guessed it. I've spend all my wages and it's the 3rd of the month. The Gambling addiction has taken me again

Oh well count down to payday begins again. Here comes all my false promises. I said this last month and the month before. In truth I've been saying it for 15 years.  

I'm stopping this time. I'm putting blocks in place. Timeout on that betting site. If I just give my money for someone to look after, blah blah blah. 

The scary thing is; do I actually want to stop. Yes the feelings feel s**t, but I'm sort of numb to it now. Headaches, trying to think where can I borrow money from, etc. 

Trying to be a good family man, a good father. I don't think I've fully been in the present with my kids for a long time. Of course I've been there, but can I truly say I've 100% been there? 

I'm pretty much at the lowest but only I can change. Fully commit and say NO! I'm clearly really bad at gambling, a loser, which is completely opposite to me as a person. Works going well, targets are hit and I work hard. Gambling doesn't get me at work! It's so weird, once I'm out, the chains come off and I gamble. 

I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is still only with me because she needs me to pay half the mortgage. I wouldn't want to go out with me. Mood swings, depression, suicidal thoughts, no money to go out and do nice things. 

I just don't know what to do any more for the better. Anyways I'm rambling on now and not sure any of this makes sense other than in my head. I just needed to go it out on vitual paper. 

All the best to all you struggling.