Feel unable to stop now

My situation now feels more than desperate, more than wanting to stop and rebuild my life. It feels I have nothing left to lose and my existence is so dire now that 'what is the point of trying to rebuild my life?'.

I started gambling approximately 15 years ago, I always liked the idea of having a bet for the buzz of winning a little cash, but not being very streetwise or familiar with gambling I avoided this simply due to not knowing how to bet!

So 15 years ago and 'pre-betting' I found myself in a marriage I was not happy in, a job I was not happy in, no hobbies or interests and then found myself sinking into a depression. I reluctantly went to the GP after a few months of this depression not lifting and started on anti-depressants. These lifted my mood for a few weeks but then I needed to take more and more of these tablets, only now they were not working. I then tried various other forms of anti-ds but with no success, but took them anyway.

Looking back I feel this was a huge changing point. I always considered myself a calm,no risk person, always playing it safe and steady, but here I was getting very angry at the slightest of things, confrontational, compulsively buying anything I fancied at the time, wanting to get some buzz out of seemingly anything. I had changed, and so as a natural progression, I wanted to gamble, easy money I thought, or at least a way to fill a boring time!

It started off as just that, bit of easy money, an interest with substance, and even a way to finally make money via doing something I actually enjoyed! Yes, my goals and dreams were alive now!

The first year was steady, small bets of £5 and £10 mainly and I lost about £400 overall, O.K I thought to myself, that was my tuition fee, I have learnt to gamble, I have some strategies and plans, so I will have a 'real' go now.

I opened up a new current account and moved £3000 into this account. I ran it as a business, being accountable for each and every bet and keeping a tally/diary of each day's events. It was working! The first 3 months I had made £6000 aprox profit! WOW! 'This is fantastic!' I thought, I am Actually MAKING PROPER MONEY! I had plans of jacking in my job and relying on this, and why wouldn't I? More money than I would ever make by manual work.

Then, the reality hit, black friday as I called it, I had made a little money that day and wanted to make a little more, I remember I was betting on horses from home via a phone at the time, not knowing anything much about horses I simply bet on favourites and if they lost simply increased my wager on the next favourite to incorporate previous loses (basically chasing loses and then restarting). One favourite after another failed to win that day, only 7 in total but it was enough to wipe out my £6000 profit from the last 3 months!

Feeling sick as parrott, I had to come to terms with losing all the profit in just a couple of hours, but my mind still resolute that this WAS a way of making money, after all, I HAD made money hadn't I?

So after a few days of mourning this loss, I simply started again, believing I was now more experienced and would soon rectify this little blip. This however did not happen, desperation and loss of discipline took over. I won about £1000 in a week, but then lost it in an hour or so. Again I tried, more desperate and less disciplined still. Loss, Loss, Loss, (OK there was occasional winning bets on the way, but my desperation soon wiped these out).

About 2 years now since my gambling started and my losses stood at aprox £12000, My marriage had ended (which would have anyway but being alone gave me more freedom to gamble). Now I considered stopping for the first time, I knew if I stopped here, I still had savings and a house and a job and my life would recover. I had been bitten though, and the temptation to make some quick money and that oh so wonderful feeling of winning and hope proved too strong. So for the next few years, I found myself entering a new year with every thought of it being a new start - no more gambling. but I would always just try again, or getting tempted or the 'What the hell' thoughts. It was however in hindsight under some sort of control, losing on average about £3000 a year, not getting into debt and not risking all of my savings, I did live other than gambling, having holidays and started other interests, so really OK(ish).

About 3 years ago, it went crazy. I discovered on-line gambling, OK, I had flirted with this before, but always blocked myself after losing and then went to the shops (gambling only on sports, horses and football mainly). Now it was different, betting exchanges, in play, meant I could bet much more intensly and alter my bets during an event. I loved it, felt really in control, I had my best run ever, making £20,000 in a couple of months but then losing it all in a few days, undetered, I continued, this time making over £100,000, and I actually spent some of this, buying a new car and now I had a beautiful new girlfriend, going away for weekends and eating out a lot. Soon and inevitably this £100,000 had gone, a bad run soon saw to that! How did I feel after losing that amount? undescribable, defeated yet still somehow optimistic I could win again.SWo that is what I tried to do, now spurred on with the fact I really can make big money from gambling, this however was merely the fuel that made me risk my life savings and then start using credit cards, I had 2 credit card which I had only ever used for emergencies, these were soon bunged up and maxed out, now a different kind of worry took me over- DEBT. How to repay? I don't know, I then applied for more credit cards (6 in total) and shuffled the balances about to take advantage of the no interest promotions. It was not long however until all 6 of these were maxed out, and my credit rating sank making it impossible to get new cards (in hindsight - Thanks God as I would only have maxed these out too) So here I was, no money, huge debts of £30,000 and unable to make the minimum payments, I was out, broken, finished!

I had to do something about these debts and I recently set up a debt management plan, however I am still gambling, small amounts, but any excess I get I think to myself, 'This could be the small spark that ignites the great fire' how stupid I am.

Why don't I learn? Gambling has taken everything and more from me yet here I am still wanting to do it! It is self-destructive and I know my life won't get better until I do stop, not just the money, but the time, the stress, the neglect of myself and any other life. I have had a few girlfriends since the marriage but these haven't lasted long and usually gambling has a large effect on these.

My relationship is with gambling and gambling alone it seems, how I wish it was not!