Final straw

1. It's not your fault

2. He can't stop.  It's an illness and he needs help.  Until he sees that he won't stop.

3. Treating him like a child is that help. Cut all access to funds. All funds.

Have a read around (start with my posts if it helps) but most importantly of all see point 1. You have to protect yourself. I am talking as a recovering gambler (so not an expert like Gamcare...but an expert at getting my hands on money, lying to those i love and self destructing despite being an intelligent, well educated person with a job of high responsibility in the community) and I wish people had been firmer with me earlier.  I would be thanking them now 🙂

Keep visiting and talking with people. I am 500 days gamble free next week after over 20 years of gambling.  You can help people to break the cycle...but remember that it isn't your problem.  Don't feel guilty and protect yourself. It's actually one of the biggest ways to help in my opinion.

Hi... Sorry to hear about the horrible situation in which you find yourself.

The bottom line is that if your son doesn't want to try and stop gambling, then your fighting a losing battle. You will just get more lying and manipulating. You will just get more and more of what you have been experiencing up until now.

One option would be to completely stop trying to control his finances and separate your finances from his as far as is possible. Give him what he wants and leave him to it. You don't need all of this nonsense.

Clearly I have no proper idea of your family set up but from the outside looking in, maybe your son needs a gentle nudge out the door. He can then make his mistakes and learn from them or not, without it having a major impact on his mother.

Whats that saying.... "if you love someone set them free"

I am a compulsive gambler by the way. My mum once said to me... "if you gamble until you are hungry and homeless then i would be sad, but it would have been your choice". I never ask my family for money anymore, however bad things may get for me.

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. As the previous poster has said.. none of this is your fault. Your ok.

Regards.. S.A

Thank you for your advice. I plan to take over all finances and give him little amounts back. This should hopefully slow it down. 

Let's hope the councilling can have some effect on him. 

I do know it's not my fault and I'm hating every minute watching his addiction. 

Hi I know its difficult being a mum to a compulsive gambler but you need to realise this a disease and a illness hes not doing this to P**s you off he has a addiction,I dont agree with SA comments of "leave him to it and give him a gentle nudge out the door"iv been a compulsive gambler for over 20 years and if my mum had taken that attitude I'd more than likely be dead by now,your son need your help and support I know your probably at wits end with him but do not agree to giving him small even tiny amounts of money to gamble because it will just fan the flames, he needs your support and love and he need profesional help do not give him money to gamble keep on trying to make him see sense that he will throw his life away if he continues to gamble try to get him to speak to a agent on here and take small steps but pls dont turn your back on him because you may not have a son as he may feel he cant  beat this on his own.i wish you all the best and I hope you can get him to see sense.take care.

I'm sorry you are going through the pain of your son's gambling. We're like a whirlpool, causing others to get dragged into our world. I was your son. I took everything off my mum and it breaks my heart that I'm responsible for what I've put her though, but that's now. When I was gambling my only genuine thought was how can I manipulate her to get money. I gave no thought to what she would do, just that I needed money. 

As a compulsive gambler I know a lot about this and I would hazard a guess that this has happened. You've found out about the money for the house being gambled. He's agreed a compromise, for now, but is still putting his conditions onto the arrangement. It's complete manipulation. He will find a reason why he needs more money, and more, until he might as well takes it back, and eventually you'll have nothing left. 

I know we can't be too hard on people and "he needs to come to his own realisation" that he can't control his gambling, which he can't, by the way, but I can't stand that you have the go through this to find out.

Although he does have to want help and no nagging or moaning will get him to get help, you can put your own conditions with helping him. Keep yourself completely isolated from him getting access to your money. Suggest he looks on the Gamblers Anonymous website and look at the twenty questions. Don't bail him out. You'll be surprised how many deadlines manage to get pushed back because he hasn't been bailed out yet. Have the mindset that 90% of what he's telling you is a lie. 

There's no point looking after his money to give him £25 a week to gamble with. It's pointless. Let him have all of it unless he wants to get help to stop, and then he only needs money for essentials and needs to provide receipts. He has to reach a rock bottom place or at least acknowledge a problem. Then, and really, only then, can he start to get better.

I feel really angry for you but it's because I know that I did this and you're the one asking for help, not him. 

Give gam-anon a call too, as well as the helplines on here, and if he wants help, I'm happy to listen.

Keep talking and asking questions but I won't sugarcoat it for you. I will be honest but believe, ther with work on his part and a toughness on yours, there is hope.

Chris.

Thanks guys for your thoughts. Its 5am hes watching sports down stairs that he has gambled on

 Me lying awake worried what our futures hold. 

I completely understand that whilst he is still gambling he will find away to manipulate me to get what he wants.  Reading dont give him any money to gamble with at all. But it's easier said than done when hes become verbally aggressive and it is his money. Please also bear in mind I have been manipulated by him for ten years now so this is deep rooted for me as well. 

Hi Viv.... On reflection and as "jdall78" has rightly pointed out, I think I went slightly over the top in my comments. I am not a parent so I clearly have no idea what it must feel like to be in your shoes. I think I was reflecting on my own situation and what i have put my parents through over the years, all the worry, all the concern, all the frustration and all the anger.

Iv'e just been commenting on another thread about what the addiction is really all about. Its like when you scratch beneath the surface its not really about money. Its much more to do with the excited feelings of being in action and taking the risk. Its those feelings of euphoria that we crave, the anticipation of the next win and that's why its so hard to stop once we start. The only solution is not to place the first bet. That will be your son's struggle, as it is mine.

Thoughts are with you.

Morning Viv10,

Absolutely agree it's easier said than done.

Is there a male role model in his life? His dad or an uncle? Could someone sit with you as you speak to him about the situation. Chances are he won't get verbally abusive if there is someone else there. 

I know it's awkward with the lockdown at the moment but once it's lifted that's your chance to maybe get someone else involved. A problem shared and all that.

Just prepare yourself that you might need to give a bit of tough love in these next few weeks.

It can get better though, that should be your take from this.

Chris.

Thanks chris. I'm hoping some councilling may help fingers crossed. Gamcare have taken the first steps to approach him and are arranging stuff. 

I do have a dad who would support us. My son is determined hes not giving up gambling completely. His face even changes to someone's I do not know (if that makes sense) when he discusses gambling to me. I HATE the gambling son. 

I am very concerned that he still wants to gamble but I do not see how I can stop him. He works away from home in the week so needs funds for food etc. I can definitely slow it down I think. But I know from previous times it just creeps back up.

I have just ordered a credit file. I can imagine that will be colourful.  

Viv,

I understand what you mean when you say his face changes. He obviously can't see it himself but in hindsight I recognise that in myself.

Hopefully you will get some support from Gamcare. 

Again, any questions about the addiction please just ask and I can talk through my experience including excuses as well as abstinence.

Chris.

I think I can relate a little to how he's behaving. At one time, I was adamant I couldn't go cold turkey (probably when I was around the same age actually). 

But he needs to understand how destructive his behaviour is, what it's doing to you and that there is an alternative. As everybody else has said, he has to make that step, and I don't think there's a need for an ultimatum or guilt trip, but be honest about what it's doing. 

Unfortunately there aren't any magic solutions, and everybody is different - I'm a stubborn one, and always felt I could control it. But whether you're compulsive or an addict, the outcome is the same in terms of never having any money. When I was in my worst phases, I'd say anything to get a few quid in my account to chase losses. It's irrational, manipulative and entirely stupid; but in that moment it's the most important thing in the world. 

There is some great support available on here, and it may be a worthwhile exercise to get him to read through some of the forums and better understand people who have been in similar situations. Look, I'm 36 and still going through this, he's got the chance to turn things around now and get on with his life. But I do think he has to be prepared to make that step and stick with a program. I'll be honest, I couldn't do GA (I'm a writer, not a talker), but this forum really helps me to keep grounded. 

Best of luck and hope you find a solution that works for you both and can move on from the nightmare of gambling together. 

Hi,

im sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I think the best you can do is be hard / tough on him. That £25 a week will soon be increased to £50 or he will start not giving over his finances to you. He clearly is playing mind games and doesn’t want to help himself.

i am 22 years old myself and I give full control of my finances to my mam. No ifs or buts. She questions my purchases if I ask for money etc. The only way he really is going to sort this if he is fully transparent and allows to be helped. 

Get him to sign up to GAMSTOP and I’d suggest he does this for least a year. 

All the best for you and your family

Thanks. He definitely is not going to stop gambling anytime soon. Hes deturminded to gamble 25.00 a week.  

All this is making me hate him. Sounds harsh but after ten years of this nonsense I've had enough 

Yes, exactly.

You don't have to live your life through your son.

All the best