My name is Thomas, I'm 39 years old and I've been a compulsive gambler since I was 25. I have constantly kidded myself that I have it under control but the truth is the exact opposite to the point where now it is virtually impossible for me to have any money in my bank account for more than 24 hours without me doing something stupid with it. For a long time I've had a plan in place whereby all my bills are paid as soon as the money goes into my account and the rest goes into my Mums account and then she distributes this to me as and when I need it. This has at times worked for me but in all honesty it's more of a system to deal with my problem rather than erradicating my problem altogether.
Right now I am starting a whole new chapter in my life. I am starting a new Job in a weeks time, I plan on proposing to my girlfriend this week and I just want to put this addiction behind me but have finally accepted that I cannot do that alone and that I need the support of those around me and the support of forums like this one.
Throughout my entire life I have always been the one who is okay, the one that other people come to for help and nobody has ever considered me someone who needs the same in return. I think this is what has made this whole admission so difficult for me. I like to think of myself as strong minded and willing to overcome any situation but then when I look at the power that gambling has had over my life I realise just how weak I can be.
I think about the complete and utter despair that I have felt on so many occasions due to my addiction and it just isn't something that I ever want to feel again. The final straw for me came this past week when my parents leant me £1000 to pay the deposit on my new flat and they both said to me to make sure I pay the deposit straight away and questioned me regarding whether that was going to be an issue. They know all about my history with gambling and when I told them that no it wasn't an issue and that of course I was going to make the payment immediately I absolutely 100% meant every word that I said. So I really couldn't fathom how I then ended up blowing the lot just a day later. I know it's something that is not just going to go aware and I know that I am extremely vunerable when I suddenly have money.
Historically my situation is far better than it was a couple of years ago but in all honesty I look at it now and I realise that I should have done this a long time ago because you can only get so far on will power alone and something like this was always going to happen in hindsight. This is my third relapse in the past year and each time I have just had a mist descend over me and in a blur I have lost every penny that is currently. Two times it was on a pay day from my job and I gambled away my entire pay leaving me with a month without money, this would lead to pay day loans or asking family to help me. But this time is the worst by far as it was my parents who gave me this money to help me and I feel extremely ashamed that I went and gambled the lot of it away. It always starts the same, I think I'll just gamble a small amount but then when I lose I chase that loss and once I'm chasing it the decision making goes out the window and you do ridiculous things and place absurd bets that you wouldn't dream of placing when sound of mind.
I know my problems and I don't ever want to feel this way again. I have felt sick to my stomach these past couple of days, as though carrying my heart around in the pit of my stomach and trying desperately not to let the cracks show to those around me but it's only now that this feeling is going away because I've committed myself to making overcoming this addiction my new addiction. It is my intention to make 9th July 2017 the last day I ever place a bet. I cannot be trusted to gamble responsibly and I never will be able to. I need to accept that and move forward. Writing all over this down has made a big improvement in how I am feeling and I suddenly feel positive where all that I felt before was despair and negativity.
I want to help myself and I want to help others too because I understand just how utterly debilitating this can feel. I don't want to be waiting for the next time I relapse. I want to make sure that I don't ever relapse again.
Thank you if you've read any of the above and honestly this is a big thing for me coming on here and writing about all of this. I would really really appreciate any kind of support or words of wisdom on any of it.
I would also like to know peoples opinions on the 12 steps? I don't want this to sound like a stupid question but I am not a religious person, is religion a big part of this? Is it something I should look at doing?
Thank you again,
Thomas x
Hi Thomas I hope you can start living, just for today. I go to gamanon and I don't feel in the slightest bit religious. I feel it's about support, it's about being yourself and saying how/what you want to people who understand. 12 steps are about looking at yourself and admitting a problem, and about recovery and being a better person. What have you got to lose?
Yeah no I absolutely agree. I think the support I've received just from talking to people on here has already helped. I think it's about finding the best fit for what works for me.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
