Hi all,
I, like perhaps many others on here have viewed these forums many times but never signed up and or posted.
I just wanted to share where I am and where I've been. For me, gambling started about 5/6 years ago... I was at university but not staying there, I lived with my girlfriend then and we just about could manage to get by renting privately. I worked part time whilst I was at uni and I always just wanted more money... not always to make ends meet, I don't feel I've ever really had that hardship but just this obsession and fascination of having money, I think that's where it all began and why I've had a problem up until now.
Fast forward 6 years, still with the same girlfriend(fiancГ©) and we're expecting our first child early next year. Absoloutely delighted to say the least. I have a reasonably well paid job and we bought our house this time last year...
the gambling? Now that all started with silly little flutters on the horses on little betting slips in l*******s, I remember now whilst typing this, how I used to be gutted losing £10/£20... the casino came later and then online roulette came into my life... I remember losing around £200 that iccouldnt afford to lose at the casino one night, the next day my first real experience of online roulette I managed to return about £600 from £20 withdrawal... hooked.
It went on and off for a few years, I don't know if I gambled more back then around the time I had no money to gamble or more than since I do actually have spare funds... I don't have savings and I'm in about 20k of debt. £17k of which has been consolidated by form of a loan my partner took out for me a few months back.. the last time she found out I done it was on holiday in September... she said it broke her heart. I still, to this day don't believe she's aware of how bad the problem has been or is:
Last night I reversed a withdrawal for £1,500 which would have seen me really well and manage to pay off £800 payday loan which is due end of the month and actually give me some cash. Guess what... all gone. This isn't the first time I done it and it's all money I managed to win back from previous stints...
I am gutted this time around. My mum has been helping me financially but has told me many times this has to stop. The pressure also of paying off one particular credit card by the time baby's here (march 18) just plays on my mind all the time... I can or could easily do it with the money I earn but it's always a vicious cycle.
It's a promise I've made my partner, she's so good with money but perhaps too good in that she worries too much about it when we're actually ok. I tried to close one of my accounts the other week, but their loyalty team emailed back and offered me a 'generous incentive' to stay... at no time did they ever ask if there was perhaps any help I needed... they gave me £50 and a £25 amazon voucher... here I am trying to blame others again but ahh it's just a crazy little snippet of my story I'll share today.
Thanks for reading if you did... I suppose compulsive/addictive behaviour is quite hard to understand when it affects you... I could have been out of debt by now...
Hi dan it makes me sad to read your story. You think your finances are ok, you've got you partner to take out a £17k loan? How is that ok? She doesn't know what you're up to? You think she worries too much? None of that makes any real sense. You just offloaded your debt to her. You've got a baby on the way. So what are you doing to stop? Does your partner not think £17k loan is sign of a problem? You need to get help for you and her. Both of you should call gamcare, separately. You need to tell her what's going on. This is not her debt, this is yours. Why is your mum helping you if there is no problem? Coming here is your first step, now you need to get real help. Find a GA meeting. Honestly you can't do this alone.
Hi Dan
Welcome to the forum. Your story of a decent win hooking you seems a common theme for us all.
Quick question though, do you really want to stop? I am hoping the answer is yes as you only have to read a few of the diaries on here to see the damage a life of gambling will do to your relationships and finances. Just not sure from your post whether you have actually reached that rock bottom point where you really do want to stop, despite some fairly big debts?
Keep posting. There are plenty of people who will be able to provide lots of practical guidance and I would also recommend thinking about either some one to one counselling (I have found this particularly useful) or GA meetings that many others seem to find useful.
Don't forget you are not on your own.
Muststop123
Truth hurts,
she is aware that the 17k is mostly due to gambling debt... i am paying it on a monthly basis but since September she doesn't know I've done it again.
i hear what you're saying. I've signed up for counselling but need to register with gp first apparently.
Thank you for your post muststop123.
I really do, it's hard to explain everything in one post... I was mindful of how long it was! It's good to know support is there but it's support I should have got ages ago...
I think for me the root of the problem is much deeper than gambling. I feel so depressed today and with my job, meeting people, I certainly can't be.. in screaming inside though. I want to tell my girlfriend, I hate hiding things but it's just going to stress her and if I'm being honest I don't know if she'll stay...
Hi Dan
Back again, we posted at some time.
re the counselling, you can get free counselling through Gamcare. I went through the contact details in the Support and Counselling tab at the start of this page. Rang the local counselling centre, told them I was coming via Gamcare and had an appointment arranged for the next week sorted out within the hour. Really positive experience even if a bit draining emotionally.
Dan
The counselling will help. Had my 5th session last night. We spoke about gambling for about 10 minutes at the first one, since then it has hardly been mentioned. It is the why you gamble that is probably the most important aspect to deal with - it is probably absolutely nothing to do with money!
Good luck
tThank you
It's really nice to see a fellow member of forums with such kind support when you've been through it yourself.
Hi Dan2331
Welcome to the forum and well done for writing all that down. Ive read what you have written and a few key things stand out.
Now this is a born again moment when you realise how serious this is and your partner needs to understand how serious this is. Sit down pour yourselves a cup of tea and you need to fully explain that you have a gambling adiction and you are now going to seek help and get help.
At the same time you need to be handing her your cards and starting to discuss your finances so you are living on an allowance as you start to realise what is important again. She will need to protect her financial security as she watches your mind heal. Your wages the loans your credit file and everything will need to be discussed and monitored
Its not about treating you like a baby...its about saving the quality of family life
Do my words seem heavy because you will learn thats its a devious and deadly addiction which works on us so we didnt even really know how addicted we are. There is no room for complacency. It can come out of the blue and is linked to fears, anxiety, stress, depression and just the uncertainty of being the provider for the family.
There is no shame in admitting it got to you but you are in the early days of confusion and tending to sound casual in some areas as you will be scared about the grip it has over you.
Now a 17K loan sounds serious so if you love your partner you need to explain that you are an addict who wishes to enter recovery. She will need to protect the finances and you will need to strengthen the guarantee that loan is going to be paid back. Im not saying you are a bad person but this addiction works in the same way as substances...mind control seeking a hit at the cost of everything else
You need to stop right now or you will be another 17k down before you know it. Your story is peppered with recent gambling references so its still very active in your mind.
You will need to self exclude and have the strongest of blocks. Are you ready? This may all sound tough but you and your family need to be aware that gambling is one of the strongest addictions which ruins people faster than just about anything. Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with a gambler.
There is no room for half measures and you can get your life back if you take the right steps. Go to a GA meeting and keep talking about it here. You wont be able to pull the wool because we care about you and we have been there. You have a fair bit to learn and you need to start now
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hello dan. Reading youre story thought id just add in somthing. Ive been gambling for 9 years. Lost a lot of money. Yet i have 0 debt. Probally because two things. Dam lucky and good payed job. But. The amount of opportunitys, chances to buy a house a car, the stress the sleepness nights. The depression. Was it worth this? No. Even if i could have all the money back ive lost it wouldnt mean much towards how it made me feel. To be incontrol of somthing. Get help my freind. You have a baby on the way now, this will only get worse. We cant gamble. 0. Because we are conpulsive. I cant stop when i start. So i dont start. Stop it now before it gets worse and worse. Right now it seems like its not much (exactly how i was thinking) then next thing you know your losing your house and your life. (Ive seen it for real, one of the big reasons that hit me to say this is enough. I cant get to that) is it going go take rock rock bottom to quit? I haven't hit rock bottom. Simply because i dont intend to. All the best mate
waiting for counselling meeting to be arranged... I hear what people are saying about telling my other half but I just can't... she will be looking after all money soon anywhay for when she's on maternity and as I said in my original post I do earn quite good money so I can get this all cleared up in the next years and move on with my life...ti hadHi joydividier and betnomore
thank you for taking time out of your day to give me some advice and words of encouragement.
ive not self excluded from the site I used. I had emailed them on the 2nd November to close my account and they never came back and I had bet more in that time, won £1,500, reversed it and lost it all... they are however giving me back £270 which is the amount they say I deposited between when I requested the closure of my account and now... I say now I mean I have not done anything since my Thursday. And do never intend do anything again.
Ok Dan 2331 but take anything casually at your peril. Believe me its a nasty addiction and a bit of manly willpower is just not enough especially in the early days.
Keep talking it through as to why you cant tell your partner. Is it because you are deep in again, embarrassed or is it based on excuses your addicted mind is feeding you. Are you scared of losing control because the addiction has already taken control from your life. People close to you can help save you.
Many people at your stage dont actually want to stop gambling...they know they have a problem but psychologically they cant or wont stop.
The counselling will be good but its not the only thing you need to be doing about it
I want the best for you and you do need to be self excluding in a firm way. How you deal with this is your decision. Im sure you can be gamble free if you take the tried and tested advice here.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Having been the mug on the receiving end of the lies and deceit I can 100% assure you your partner would rather know the worst now. Not telling her takes away her informed choices whatever they may be. She's going to find out anyway. Don't kid yourself she won't. Being upfront about it puts you in control of how that happens and makes you immediately accountable to someone other than yourself which in turn makes it very much harder for you to gamble in the secrecy the addiction thrives on.
Just need to correct a point on my last post... I have self excluded from the site I used... iPhone autocorrect!!
I hear what people are saying about telling my partner but for me, I just feel it's just unloading my own guilt and I need to understand myself why I have been gambling in the past.. telling her I had done it again since she last found out in September would not be a good idea... I do not want to stress her particularly as she's 5 months pregnant now. Ah this all just sounds awful when I put it down in writing - I am a nice person, honest! And just want to clarify, re the debt situation that's not all due to gambling debts and I pay for mortgage etc etc.
When I think about why I've gambled I struggle as to understand exactly why. I really don't have the answer... I've always had an addictive personality in terms of when I get into things, whether that's hobbies then that might fade, just sometimes feel I'm looking for something else for short term happiness/excitement rather than focussing longer term on a happy 'normal' life...
Someone did hit the nail on the head where yes, perhaps I do sound casual about it? And that's what's mad in what it does to you... you're thinking, attitude, views on money/returns... I mean when I said in the past to her ' what normal person wins £2,500 off depositing only £300' and still goes back then loses it... her response was ' well normal people don't gamble £300 in the first place'
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