Gambling addiction recovery journey day 1

@lilyrose ok.i guess same as you.nkt guna lie really struggled with the reality of what I've done over the past few weeks I dunno why but its the worst I've ever been chasing losses blowing all my wages in a night the anxiety has crippled me today I feel like I've lost myself I've just signed up to counselling for 8weeks starting next week I have started a journal from day one so.if I get the urge I can read back on all what I've felt and done x

@lilyrose ok.i guess same as you.nkt guna lie really struggled with the reality of what I've done over the past few weeks I dunno why but its the worst I've ever been chasing losses blowing all my wages in a night the anxiety has crippled me today I feel like I've lost myself I've just signed up to counselling for 8weeks starting next week I have started a journal from day one so.if I get the urge I can read back on all what I've felt and done x

@littlemix I completely understand the feeling of losing yourself, I can barely recognise myself these days. The steps that you have taken are sooo brave, well done for identifying and admiting that you have an addiction, the biggest step is having that awareness and taking the first steps to recovery. You're also showing up in this space and telling others about your journey, be proud of these achievements. 

I'm documenting my recovery in this forum, it's a way of keeping myself accountable but also to help others, I can also use it as a tool to remind myself of the steps I have taken each day.

X

Day 3 of recovery

Days not gambling - 3

It felt different going into work today, now that my boss and another colleague know I feel relieved that I now have that support system in place. 

I did however struggle with my own emotions, how do I present myself now?

All my other colleagues don't know so I continued to behave like nothing was wrong, smiling and being positive, presenting myself with confidence.

I felt like such a fraud!!

Underneath I was breaking, how would I be seen by my boss now? Will they lose all respect for me? Will I be trusted now?

I feel like the worst person on earth!

My mobile service has been limited now as I can't afford to pay the bill, it means I have to try and explain why I don't reply to people's messages throughout the day. I have to wait until I get home to connect to my WiFi (luckily my Internet provider was paid before my episode).

I don't like lying to people but I want to keep my circle small at the moment.

I dreaded looking at my e-mails and post but I know I have to face it. I have now made a list of all my creditors I need to contact in regards to my situation, I really hope they will be understanding, after all I can't produce money out of thin air.

I have not been able to pay my rent today, this was the worst for me as I have never missed a payment!

I know those feeling only too well. Sorry to hear you are in a similar boat. 

If you need a debit card, but don't want to be able to gamble online with it, a thing I remember someone telling me ages ago was to cut your current debit card up and order a new one, when it arrives get someone else to open it and scratch off the 3 digit number at the back so you never know it. then you cant use it online to buy or deposit anything.

I hope everything works out for you.