Gambling has ruined everything... time to wake up

Jim

That's exactly the same as me today (early am), I lapsed again and saw night turn to day through the howling winds (which I blamed for my sleepiness) not the reels whirling round and round. I know about computers and way they are programmed but still I am pulled towards playing for hours on end but no more I will not let this beat me. A lot of things have happened to me over the last few years which have tested my very being on this earth but by taking each day one at a time, sometimes minute at a time I am getting through - I am not strong enough to have gambling in the background too. Be strong friend - we are both on day o (1) and we can fight the urges together - we will never be the winner on online slots.

Mo

Hi Jim, welcome to the Forum, and thank you for sharing this remarkable post.

I gambled for twenty years as well, before stopping around six years ago. I can relate enormously to how you think and feel, to the point where I can feel the hairs standing up on the back of my neck.

When you gamble for so long, it does consume you as you say. Stress, debt, worry, sleepless nights and relentless anxiety becomes part of everyday life; you become that husk as you say.

You lose track of how you ever lived and spent money before, which makes recovery an unknown quantity and quite intimidating, which is why people relapse with some frequency. But it is more than possible - there was someone on here a while back who was 82, had gambled all their life and wanted to stop.

Your resignation to your fate seeps through your words my friend, and that is understandable. I have walked many miles in your shoes but there is a way out; the problem is that it, quite simply, involves time without gambling and compulsive gamblers are not patient people.

Urges are only temporary, they soon pass. At this point, you still have an element of control, no matter how strong it is - once you start, you are lost, and it is virtually impossible, win or lose. Try and change your way of thinking - winning money only makes you want more of the same, but at higher stakes - winning money is the enemy; at least with losing, you may stop at some point.

Gambling has compromised your life for 20 years as it did mine; you have been lucky enough to maintain a relationship and career - this is positive, but it also means that you are on a precipice where more mistakes could take you over the edge where it would be hugely, almost impossibly difficult to come back from.

I drew a line under my 20 years. I accepted that there was nothing I could do to change it, or ever bring the money back. I was determined not to let it define my future - I could change that, I could live a different life and do everything I could to take it in a different direction; regret gets you nowhere, and neither does repairing the sins of the past - it is all about leaving everything behind and taking a different path.

The reality is that you are a good person, but gambling makes you act and react in a way that is alien to who you really are. That said, you have a serious responsibility to be more proactive and push yourself into making some strong progress - you can self-exclude, place blocking software on your Laptop/PC, you can go to GA, you can start a Recovery Diary on here, you can get counselling through GAMCARE - there are a hundred times more options now than what there was 20 years ago my friend, and you should take advantage of them.

You have to ask yourself what the endgame is my friend. You are at a certain age if you have been gambling for 20 years; if you continue as you are, then you will lose your partner, and your career will either stagnate or disappear - the problem is that you won't have a wealth of time to have too many Day 1's all over again - imagine where you would be in another 20 years of gambling - how would that make you feel? What remnants of life would you be clinging onto?

You deserve a better epitaph my friend. I know how this gnaws away at the very fibre of your being, I know how you claw your way through the day, wondering how you manage to function. In six gamble-free months, you will likely feel very different; take some heart from those here who have stopped for a similar amount of time, set yourself some short term goals and take it one day, one hour at a time.

I hope you can my friend, your words resonate so much with the world I left behind. Don't allow yourself to believe that you can't live a very different life.

JamesP

Thanks for the reply Mo,

Sounds like you have had a real rough time of it as well, so I'm rooting for you all the way.

Clearly every psychology trick in the book is used on us on these slot machine games. The odds are stacked against us on every level, but at least we are both here, and recognise the problem.

I don't know about you but I am seriously cynical about the 'responsible gambling' policies at online casinos.

I have tried to self exclude and have to jump through absolute hoops.

The most recent exclusion request had to have a signed letter from me before they would implement the ban. it took forever for them to provide me the instructions too. All the while hoping, no doubt, that the lucid moment of wanting to exclude would pass and they'd get their hands on lots more of my money!

Well since we both have begun our journeys on the same day, in similar circumstances, we can keep an eye on eachother's progress as the days, weeks and months go by (hopefully)

All the best for your recovery Mo..

J

Hi James,

Thank you for your extremely insightful reply. I have noticed your kind and valuable advice on other member's intro threads.

You have obviously had a very tough journey and now you are free of gambling you are dedicating much time to helping others which is admirable.

I pledge that you are not wasting your time with me. This time I am going to *** it, and I will update you on progress.

Two decades is enough for anyone, right?

J

You are very welcome J, no problem at all my friend.

I have had a tough journey, but I am also extremely grateful that I have come as far as I have. I feel emotionally distant from it all, like those acts were committed by another person (which it feels like it was, as I would never be dishonest, obsessed and temperamental in real-life). I am very thankful for that.

I also have debt that continues to be paid off but that's fine, you get used to it like everything and, quite simply, money is nowhere near as important when you are not gambling.

I feel free, relaxed and happy - after twenty years of gambling, I couldn't imagine feeling that way; I felt as you did - withdrawn and resigned to a hopeless reality.

You are not alone, and you are not a bad person. If they banned gambling, worldwide, tomorrow, then everyone would see an instant change in you - that is not going to happen but it proves this affliction is all in the mind my friend.

I wish you well my friend and I look forward to hearing more from you.

JamesP

As I am brand new to this, please excuse while I find my feet.

I am going through a genuinely horrible period at the moment and have joined this as a desperate attempt to unburden me of this hiddeous addiction.

The first thing I noticed when I started reading this thread was how well constructed the posts were. Being a gambling addict makes me feel I must lack basic intelligence. You good folks clearly dispell that theory.

Anyhow Jim, I can relate to all that you say and your post brought a lump to my throat. My bad experiences over the Christmas period have had me contemplating suicide.

I feel that the gaming industry is not taking the responsible gambling thing as seriously as the likes of myself need. The self exclusion option is almost pointless as there is another shop on every corner and more opening on an increasingly regular basis.

If this site fails to work for me then there is a strong possibility I will not be alive this time next year.

Hi jaggybob,

Christmas is really tough when you are a c.g because all the issues I hide from all year with family relationships, people I've let down emotionally or financially all comes home to roost.... And of course ....What do I turn to to stop the pain and guilt? Thus I turn the screw even more on myself by continuing to gamble.

You have recognised you are walking on a path which could lead to destruction... This is surely very positive.

You are obviously a smart cookie and have fallen into the trap of letting the fact that you are addicted to gambling make you question your intelligence and value. That's certainly how I feel..

Mind you when you look at it, if the industry can allow the myth that only a fringe of vulnerable, stupid people get in trouble with gambling, it takes the heat away from them and on to the individuals ruining their lives to pay them.

You are bigger than the gambling that is harming you.

I, like you, am at the very beginning of a journey, and we will both benefit greatly from the wonderfully insightful advice from the folks much further down the road of recovery who give up so much of their time to help others on here.

Please keep me posted on your progress. You are a much better person than the path of destruction you are contemplating.

God bless... J