Getting it off my chest

I read in one of the recent posts on this thread about 'really being a good person'. OF COARSE you are, we are , I am a good person. Gambling addiction is very over shadowing to our true selves. Once I/we can take off that cloak, underneath it all, there we are. Good people , always have been and will be. It's the addictive nature of the behavior that we chose and how it takes us down as are in the grips and thrawls that paints our lives black... but only for a period of time , even a long period... we can take off the cloak! yes, tara2

Thanks Tara for taking the time to read the thread and for your kind input . Hope you are on your road to recovery . I must reiterate that suffering in silence is not the way forward for me and I really value any words of wisdom like your last post here . I wish you a great xmas and if you want to throw anything else into the mix feel free to do so !

Hi Vulture. I might not be qualified for offering advice as i have my own problems but will try anyway: As you have been gambling for many years it might help you to assess what gambling has given you and what it has taken away from you. If you have income coming in and can make ends meet then focus on enjoying small things in life with your wife n kids. Celebrate and focus on what you have and try to forget what you have lost. Remortgage to clear all debts and only keeping morrgage probably will be good for monthly budget. May be i need to act on my own advice. Best of luck.

Jamie thanks for your post . It does make sense about the re mortgage but ONLY when I can go a longer period of time GF. It’s not up until next December so it’s a good acid test for me to be gambling free until then . Today was good went to Next sale and we spent £180 from my account . The money was there and would normally have been used for gambling , nice feeling that it went on normal things . Also dropped a few things in conversation to the wife about me stopping and banning myself from bookies plus mentioning the forum . She didn’t seem to want to elaborate on it so I left it there . No need now to tell her the gory details about the latest £2k loan I am sure over the next few months it will feel like I have had a £1k a month pay rise by not gambling . You say that you have problems of your own. Is there anything you wish to share that perhaps I can contribute towards your recovery ?

Ok 4 days GF. Was supposed to go to play snooker at the Poker night last night . My friend cried off with flu so I didn’t bother going as wasn’t worth it . The £50 I had transferred to my friend he transferred me back yesterday . Today I checked my bank balance and another £50 that I had gambled before but hadn’t accounted for hit my bank so it cancelled it out . Old me would have been gutted but now I have accepted it . The money in my account is £1800 to cover the bills and mortgage and I have no access to it which I am good about . My wife is going to work today and I have £1 in my pocket . Not thinking about the money I have lost , just thinking that thank god I have come clean to myself about the gambling . The last 3 years I have spent most of the bill money over xmas as it sits in my account for a week or two as we get paid early this time of year . With no access to it my mind isn’t wandering and in addition I have self excluded from every conceivable website . A bit of snow today so my plan is either to take the kids sledging or throw them in the car and do a tip run with them . For a minute I panicked only having £1 today but then I realised that I don’t need to carry any money , everything is covered and we have food, etc !

I also read a reply to a post here who describes gambling as “using”. Shocking word when you absorb it but totally true

Well done Vulture. Struggling a bit myself to not think about what I have lost, so chuffed to see you doing so well. Keep it up and sure we’ll both beat this. Rich

Thanks Rich for your kind words . What you lost seems like a massive amount of money but it is all relative . If you have £1k to lose or £50k the end result is the same . We are all equal in that and only one place to go and that forward . You need to try and let go of that money in your head . The money will be the easiest part to solve

So day 4 nearly over . Ended up hoovering the house from top to bottom and cleaning my wife’s car inside and out . Only thoughts I had about gambling were negative ones so that’s progress . My plan for tomorrow is to spend quality time with the kids and not spend a single penny on gambling . I have done weeks or two weeks not gambling when I haven’t got the money between pay days . Looking to break that cycle at the end of January , that’s my crunch time and I will hopefully have a few weeks under my belt and the tools in place to equip me . Sad that this tension , stress or whatever you want to call it is self induced . Read a few newbie posts and other past stories just to keep myself plugged in . Didn’t want to comment too much on newbies as I am still a fledgling here and don’t have the credibility of others yet , this will change in time . To anyone reading this feel free to throw any comments here either about my story or your own , would like to hear from anyone

Hello Vulture,

You are so right about saying anyone can stop gambling while they simply don't have any money left from the last time they did it. The most important thing to do in this time is to get the blocks in place and feel safe and confident that they will keep you away from the pressure of having gambling open as an option when this changes. How do you feel about what you have done to stop yourself? You need to start being completely honest with yourself. If you leave loopholes you will likely use them. Not just that but you are aware you "need to fight" to not gamble vs knowing you can't if you cut off the means to and it does take a lot of pressure off.

Of course recovery is about more than just blocking gambling out. You need to start working on digging around yourself as to the reason(s) you do gamble and working on imporving it. That can come later and, will (no doubt) last many years. Right now its about getting some GF time behind you to clear the fog a bit and help you see things more clearly.

Personally i've taken up the offer of the free counselling support via phone linked to my area and its really helped me (12 x 1 hour sessions once a week). Sometimes i just need someone to listen and know they are not judging me and talk it out. I've found myself talking it out loud and working a lot of it out myself as a result. Its given me great confidence in more than just my abilitly to deal with my gambling issues.

Keep posting and updating. I think there are many people that lurk these boards but it is being taken in and its good to hear more about each persons journey. I know it helps to write it down too.

All the best.

Thanks for your words of wisdom . I’m not 100% confident with the exclusions as I haven’t excluded myself from the bookies yet , the casinos or bingo . 3 places that I need to when I get the chance . At the moment I have the time but no opportunity or money so the gambling won’t surface for a while . In the past when I tried to stop I always had an escape route to gamble but this time it’s different . The bingo and casinos are 30 minutes drive away and one I will take with a friend as my insurance policy ! The bookies will Be this week when I don’t have the kids all day again with an insurance policy of a friend . It’s not that I don’t trust myself it’s just my friend knows about it all and I also work with him so it’s me making a point to him and myself that I am serious about my recovery . My “change “ inside is something I am working on. The GA handbook states that knowing why we gamble isn’t important but from reading posts on this forum to a lot of people it is . I don’t know if delving there would make my outcome any different . I don’t know if I suffer from anxiety or depression as I have been gambling for 25 years . It probably just seems normal to me the lows and I have dealt with it whilst sustaining a healthy marriage and a successful job. I pigeon hole myself as a compulsive gambler but I don’t see myself as an anxious , depressed individual . No days have I ever taken off sick . Perhaps it’s just that I failed to recognise the downs that I have had . What I can say again reading posts is that the outcome whenever I gamble is the same , no extra money left and then the next cycle for the next pay day . Need to break that and accept that there is absolutely no benefit in my gambling

For me looking for the reason gave me some peace of mind. If i can look at my habbit from an outsiders point of view i can answer a few, though not all of the questions i had to myself as to what i was thinking. It will also mean i can spot if/when i feel like im drifting back into that train of thought/life style choice.

I managed to keep a pretty tough job, bodybuild 5 days a week and count macros and meal prep 6 meals a day during my addiction. I was too self focused! I lost all feeling of emotion from my constant struggle with money and the fact that i just couldn't keep hold of any and stop gambling. I isolated myself and felt the need to "make myself better" in every way possible. I had no financial reason to gamble, i could be quiet comfortable without any extra income.

To me stopping has allowed me to open up and show and receive emotion better and i've already felt much deeper connections around me. Im more aware of people and their feelings, i care more about them too because im happier and more at peace with myself. Im learning to love myself for what i have acheived and the person i am. It helped me to go a little easier on myself and enjoy what i have.

Whatever works for you and imporing the life you have already built outside of this money sucking addiction.

Hi Volcano,

Very much in the same boat ... I’ve always held down a good job, never been off sick, and would never believe I had depression or anxiety. Looking back though, even after a week, I do think I’ve been having some kind of slow breakdown with work and home pressures mounting, and the gambling getting heavier alongside these. I’m starting to forgive myself and want to move on ... however, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the reasons. As such, I can’t honestly say the same situation wouldn’t crop up again. The most important thing is to make sure that if it does, I’ve protected myself whilst in the current mental state ... told friends and family, excluded myself from dozens of sites (joining and excluding from loads), handed over financial control to my partner. At the moment I think that’s the most important thing short term. Cheers, Rich.

Thanks both for your comments . I agree with what you both say and one of the reasons you can argue I was never off work was becuase the money I earn fed the addiction . As I know nothing about mental illness , breakdowns or whatever you care to label it it didn’t take a genius to know that my gambling has affected me . What must be true is my mental pain threshold must have been high to cope with it all of these years . Everyone has their own breaking point , own rock bottom or their epiphany point . I’m swaying towards my epiphany point for me . I know that I could probably go lower than a snakes belly but I don’t want to dwell on what could happen or how low it could be . It’s madness as most other facets of my life are great ie family work friends etc but there is this self destruct button inside of me that I need to stop pressing . I’ve thought this over a lot recently and it’s not a normal life . I just need to stop this and then I know every other part of my life will be fine . I can’t get back the money I lost over years , don’t want to even consider the amounts . I also don’t want to rely on will power alone and currently the switch in my mindset has started , the blocks I have put in place plus this forum seems like a good recipe for success. I’m also getting an expert on captcha!

Ok day 5 GF more than halfway done . The £50 that my friend transferred back to me for the night out appeared in my account today . So I took the kids to Argos and got them some Lego , much better solution than gambling . All still ok , a couple of fleeting thoughts about gambling which is normal I would expect . It wasn’t even about the slots more the small football bets I sometimes used to have , need to self exclude myself ASAP from the Bookies in town when I don’t have the kids with me all day

So into my 6th day GF and honestly feels different this time . Wife is talking about 3 holidays this year ! Previously I would have been stressed to hell and gambled . Last year I was lucky enough to fight a case with justice for punters when a casino refused to payout and I managed to recover £8k a year later . With that I paid for a holiday and cleared my DMP. However this year is a different story . I’m not too worried that I may need to stump up “gambling” cash for holidays . I know it will only take 2-3 months to be in a good situation , just need to roll with the punches . Gambling wise not really thought about it tbh apart from what I mentioned previously in the string . New Year’s Eve is nearly upon us and my wife still has cash left that I put in her account on payday , lucky I had that presence of mind . Been reading any new posts on this forum and if I can help I will . Glued to the cricket with a vodka in hand . Life is good at the moment , feel like a preverbial weight had been lifted , not completely off my shoulders but getting there . As I said before feel free to throw any comments , words of wisdom or advice at me . Every situation is different but we all have a common theme running through us . I understand that there are gurus on this site and I will strive to become one . If I can stop just one person going through the kind of rubbish I’ve been through then it won’t be a complete waste of time for me .