Had Enough

Hi whatafool! (just seen your diary entry and meant to respond to the post on that forum - sorry!)

Welcome to your Day One. That's the same place everyone here starts, so don't panic. Take your time to get used to your feelings. If you haven't already, maybe reading some other people's posts will help you try and piece together what is going on in your head at the moment? There's no rush, you've probably been gambling for years and making this kind of commitment is huge. When you're ready, we're listening. Until then, take care.

Thank you whatami for your understanding and support.

So...... I started playing online slots about 4 years ago, spending £100-£200 a month, then some months not playing at all. If I remeber I think I didnt play for 4 or 5 months. So I dont think I had a problem back then. Just over a year ago I started playing more frequently but again small amounts and small bets but more frequently. I think during this time I had a very big win I think about £18K on one spin. This was now looking back the worst possible thing that could have happened. I then started to think that I could win more. Slowly but surely this money went back in and lost it all.

But didnt think I had a problem as the money I started with was mine, no borrowing, no taking money away from anyone, no loss in lifestyle for myself or my family.

I then started thinking (or not as the case maybe) if I can win big like this with a relatively small bet just think what I could do with a larger bet. I think the next year I spent circa £30K on slots but winning back circa £25-26K, and realising I was gambling more decided to add up my transactions and thought will to lose £5 or 6K wasnt too bad......I was having fun.

TBC

Had to stop then because the thought of the wins was making want to have another go, so taking myself to bed. Tomorrow I will talk about losses.

Hi

I've just come back to the forum after a couple of months away, I relapsed last night. I haven't really slept and my mind is all over the place. You're posts are the first I've read for a while.

I manged around 3 months this time before I crumbled, I didn't lose a devastating amount of money but last night felt more self-destructive than before. It was like I wanted to lose.

I've gone over 3 years without gambling before. My advice is use this forum as much as possible for the first few weeks of your recovery. As time goes by you will inevitably use it less but never forget about it and never forget you're a compulsive gambler. Things will always get out of control, whether it takes a day or a year.

Complete abstinence in my opinion is the only way forward. I'll be following your tread and I'll add some of my gambling stories to it. I wish you all the best. Take it one day at a time.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice Westsider,

I was sorry to hear that you you and revisted gambling after having done so well.

You are absolutely correct about coming on here everyday, because even though I am not gambling now it seems to make me stronger talking on here to people who totally understand what it is like.

I still struggle to come to terms how it is just online slots that just grab me and take away all the control and logic I have with other forms of gambling.

It seems at the moment I was addicted to actually losing rather than winning???? I really cant see the sense in that??

I remember the amount of times I would say in my head I hope it loses. I just wanna stop. I once got from a free spin on a slot to 10k in around 3 hours. Woulda paid most my debts off. What did j do. 1000£ spins. Obviously lost the lot. I remember the last few spins I didn't even want to win. Such a weird thought process.

What is going round and round in my head is.................How the hell can I win big and make withdrawals put in the bank, actually seperate into diffeent saving accounts and the still put it all back !!!!!

I have said before two weeks ago I was £75K up I had two huge wins ££35K and a £25K in a matter of minutes on the same slot game, but almost getting a perverse pleasure in telling myself how stupid I am ????????

I just dont understand how my brain functions

It's strange that our biggest loses always come after our biggest wins. I can't think of any occassions when i've won big and manged to hold onto it for more than a week. We are not ourselves when we gamble, a normal way of thinking goes out the window. The urges are their strongest at the moment but if you can get through the first two weeks, life will dramatically improve. Keep yourself busy, surround yourself with people, put blocks in place and keep posting.

Hi - firstly well done! Try and rethink your forum name - you are not a fool - you are being brave and strong and like above total abstinence is the only way. I know if I even revisit once I will relapse very quickly and it really is like quicksand. Having extracted and freed yourself from it stay away. Once again huge well done #respect

Thank you Rosie,

Once I have conquered this then i will change my name.

Thank you again, your words and help are invaluable at the moment

I have done a lot of thinking about myself these last 5-6 days.

Why have I gambled so much money away??

Why have I spent so much with online slots and struggle to spend a £tenner in a bookies or a real casino?? I have walked into a bookies often with a couple of hundred in my pocket and spent £5 or £10

It doesnt make sense.....of recent times my bets have been getting bigger with both chasing losses and enjoying (wrong word really) the big wins. The recent big wins and subsequent losses finally brought me here. I cannot stop once I start when online.

I have lost similar amounts of money before not with gambling but overdone the spending(when I couldnt really afford it) on life. cars/holidays/drink etc. But this seems to happen when Life is going so well.

When Life has been hard I dont do it I seem to relish being hard done by and struggling.

I am starting to think that I am actually addicted to trying to self destruct financially rather than the gambling itself......hmmmm more food for thought

Hi what a fool.

Your comment there sounds a bit similar to my actions. If I don't spend (waste) hundreds of pounds gambling then I go massively splurging on make up, clothes, gadgets and the like to compensate.

Stuff I really don't need. I don't think it's about wanting to self destruct financially I think it's about trying to buy happiness one way or another. And like yourself I too find myself way more content level headed and happy in the weeks after over spending when I'm surviving on spare change in my purse.

When we come to truly understand and accept money can't and won't buy us a happy content life then we can learn what we really want and need to be happy and content.

As the song goes... 'mo money mo problems' :P

J xxx