Heart broken

Dear @Clairejo

Thank you for coming to the forum and for sharing your story. 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband’s gambling problem. 

Can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the support that is available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.

Take care

Best wishes

Sallie

Forum Admin

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear this.  It is devastating to find out your loved one has been doing this and living a lie.  That is me, I have been doing the exact same thing.  I got found out last week and stayed away that night from my husband and children, told him he could have everything and in my mind I would just gamble to keep me living!  Roll on a week, I have had amazing support from him and my children and on this site and finally accepted I have a problem.  I have blocked everything, he needs to do that to go forward and try to get some of the trust back from you.

I have also contacted stepchange regards the debts.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it will be a long hard slog, there will be times when my husband will ‘have his moments!!’ and me too but I do feel positive that we can get through this and be even stronger.  

How is he? Is he in denial ( because I was for a long time).  Is he willing to get help? 

Wishing you all the best

Hi Clairejo,

I really feel for you as I was in a similar position almost a year ago. I too had literally no idea that my husband had been gambling on and off for 15 years, losing a huge amount.  It is such a massive shock. 

Whatever you decide to do, make sure your finances are protected.  Really your husband should be responsible for paying back any debt himself too.

Reading through posts on this site really helped me to understand and come to terms with the addiction. There is also access to counselling and friends and family chatrooms. You're not alone. There are lots of people who have been in similar situations. 

However you decide to move forward, things do get better in time.

Take care.

J 

Thanks for your reply. Can I ask what your outcome was? Did you stay with him or did you separate? 

He seems more concerned with sorting the debt out I think he’s sees that as the problem and not the gambling. He said he’s gambled to clear the debt etc but I don’t think that’s the case I think the gambling is the problem so yes I think he’s in denial but did say he’s willing to get help for gambling. I have ended our relationship and kicked him out but in all honesty I don’t know what to do. We are married and he’s a great dad to our kids it’s just all a mess. 

Hi Clairejo,

We did stay together.  I was in turmoil for weeks and it was a very rocky time but my husband was devastated when I found out and luckily he was totally committed to stopping. I think me finding out was his 'rock bottom' moment. He was so ashamed. He put blocks in place and I have complete access to all finances now.

It's not always easy. I still have days where I struggle to come to terms with the deceit and the amount of money we lost, but I know he is committed to stopping. (Though I will never be complacent, and always monitor him.)  

I don't know whether i could have stayed with him if he had carried on gambling.

Your husband says he was gambling to pay off the debt, but that's all part of the addiction. My husband continued to gamble for years, trying to get back lost money to cover up what he had done, but in reality he was never going to win it hack. He was just getting into more of a hole. 

Give yourselves time to come to terms with things and decide what to do. Hopefully this will be the wake up call your husband needs. It has to come from him though. He has to see that he has a problem and be committed to stopping. 

Take care.

J

Hi, Clairejo, just read through your posts and the last reply from Jess27 could have been written by my wife. I had been gambling for over 5 years keeping it secret, using savings and credit cards. My wife was also devastated when she found out, but, as bad as it was, it was probably the best day of my life for these years. Like most people I had continued gambling chasing losses hoping to win back what I had lost knowing full well that would never happen. Being found out took away the reason for gambling but the fallout was tremendous. Straight away I registered with Gamstop and installed a blocker on my phone both for the max 5 years. My wife took over all our finances, changing all login details for our accounts. We destroyed my cards, debit and credit and contacted our Bank to block any gambling transactions. All this left me with no access to money and gave my wife some security. 

The recovery from being exposed has been long and hard at times. Gamcare were amazing and organised counselling for both of us which was really helpful being able to talk to someone without being judged. All this happened 14 months ago, I am still gamble free and we are now definitely back on track with our relationship although the trust will never be the same. I still only have a credit card, you can't use it to gamble, and my wife still has total control of our finances but it is a small price to pay for what I did. 

There is no cure for this, I will always be a gambling addict but will not let complacency put our future at risk any more after 31 years of marriage.

Regarding the debt, I would recommend contacting Stepchange. They are a charity who work out what you can afford to pay creditors after taking all your living expenses into account. I have a debt manangement plan with them and the y deal with the credit card companies. All interest has been stopped and they have to accept the payment terms offered by Stepchange.

All of the above works for us, my wife says what helped her was thinking about it as an illness which I am recovering from. Hopefully there will be something in what I have described that can be of help to you both so good luck and keep posting.

Thanks for your post. Step change can’t help the debt is too much he hasn’t got any money left over for creditors so he will have to go bankrupt. I have told him to leave the house and it’s been over a week now. You probably think I’m being harsh but I need time and space. 

Hi, You are not being harsh at all. My previous post was only to let you know what works for us, if you need the space do not feel guilty about it. You need to be able to get your mind round what is happening and if this is the best for you then go for it. Your partner also needs to make the commitment to stop gambling and never go back. Whatever work for you is good for you, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this so good luck with however you decide to go forward