Hi,
Wow! Where should I start? First off, acceptance needs to be the foundation of my debut post and with that in mind I wish to be brutally honest and say “I am a gambling addict”
This is gonna be fairly long winded but I don’t particularly expect anyone to read it all, although I think it may potentially help others if they do.
The irony with me is that I was always of the belief that succumbing to any kind of addiction was for mentally weak people but that rather arrogant mindset has come back to haunt me in spades. My brother (before he died in April) was addicted to a wide variety of drugs for his entire adult life and I could never see beyond the idea that he was just an idiot. He wasn’t an idiot, he was an addict like all of us on here are. Sometimes negative experience is completely necessary in order to bring about personal growth.
My journey into the realms of addiction began in March of 2008. Due to a lifelong battle with an anxiety disorder I have never been able to hold down a job nor pursue a career. I scoured the web looking for any means of earning a living from home no matter how modest the income may be.
This was when I first dipped my toe into the waters of matched betting. Initially it was just bookie free bets/bonuses and it was a very simple way to earn some cash. As time went on I convinced my parents, brothers and friends to allow me to bet on their behalf too and it started to become quite lucrative. A website I frequented often posted great promotions and strategies to optimise profits. This is where the problem began........
The website posted a casino offer with a simple strategy that would guarantee at least £30 profit from the sign-up offer. I had never used a casino before and wasn’t that interested but money is money, or so I thought.
10 minutes in and a £1 spin won £1,000. Naturally I was over the moon and from that win a small acorn grew into a huge behemoth of an oak tree. Within a fortnight my quest for more wins resulted in them taking back the £1,000 plus £700 extra for the privilege. I wasn’t overly concerned at this point because the matched betting was ticking over nicely and the slot in question began to bore me.
This particular casino closed shortly after anyway but now I had a flavour of the casino experience I wanted that big win rush once more. This wasn’t a problem initially because there were plenty of lucrative casino offers at that time which satisfied my craving and kept the profits rolling in.
As the years have rolled by the offers slowly began to become less lucrative and more of a punt and I started racking up losses. At the height of my matched betting I estimate I made over £50,000 (after living expenses) but by early 2014 that had dwindled to about 10k due to constant gambling binges.
I will never know the real reason but my partner believes that the deaths of both my mum and my cousin in 2012-2013 and both within months of each other were a major contributing factor. My mother died of lung cancer and my cousin hung himself an hour after I left his home after I spent all night attempting to cheer him up. Shortly before the death of my cousin I was also the victim of an armed robbery.
March 2012 - April 2013 was far and away the worst year of my life. Oh I almost forgot I also broke my arm which kept me out of sports fo r almost 2 years after and eventually was fixed via surgery. Lucky aren’t I lol.
As I said previously by early 2014 I dipped under 10k for the first time in 4 years and in desperation to get the money back I started playing £4 spins on slots. On Feb 21st of 2014 which was the birthday of my recently deceased mother I had a huge stroke of luck. I somehow managed to win a 22k jackpot and I was utterly convinced my mother had somehow influenced it from the grave. I felt I had a second chance and swore never to gamble again.
By May of the same year I had preceded to lose it all and was down to 7k (almost 3k lower than before I won the jackpot). Then it happened AGAIN, this time it was of a life changing magnitude. May 17th was the day and whilst at just under 7k I hiked my stakes upto £10 per spin and I was astonished when I won a £179,000 jackpot.
Over 4 years have passed since that win and the first thing I did was buy a home for £111,000. You can’t deposit bricks and mortar via a debit card, to this day that is the only smart thing I have done. The rest of the money was obviously lost. After going all the way back to that 10k figure again I was insanely lucky once more when a real purple patch on promotions saw me rake it back for a third time and once again exceed 50k.
That 50k is now a distant memory as the last 2 years have been abysmal and it seems like karma is biting back hard. As of today I have 6k left and although that may sound alot, it isn’t when you have to live off it and use it for matched betting. At the turn of the year I thought I had it under control when I went four months without gambling. My brother died in April and I relapsed and I have lost 17k since. I have less money now than I did in 2009 and it is killing me knowing what that lost money could have done for my kids and I.
I want to just self exclude but I can’t because I need the betting exchange to make a living. My anxiety condition is keeping me a prisoner in this gambling hell and it has driven me to the brink of suicide. I was sat on a ledge 150ft above a river at 3AM on my last night out and it took police intervention to get me safely home. Thoughts of having to consider selling my home are the cause and I will kill myself rather than rob my kids of their inheritance.
Today is Sunday 19th August and for the final time I am gonna say this is day 1 of a lifetime of gambling abstinence. If I fall again I simply can’t visualise myself getting back up.
Thanks for reading and for those who care I will post a diary once per week (starting next Sunday).
PS :- I know I don’t deserve sympathy, these big wins have given me multiple chances and I have squandered them all. Slots are the devil, they are designed to manipulate and influence the human brain, stay safe people and stay away from slot machines. I too thought I was too strong to become a carbon copy of my brother and I was an arrogant moron to believe it.
xMichaelx
Hello Michael,
Welcome to the forum, it is positive that you have taken the step of contacting the forum and begin to access the support of the forum users here today.
It sounds like you have had some challenging events and traumatic experiences which have triggered your problematic gambling. To a point where you have seen gambling both as an emotional escape and financial tool which has been unhealthy for your emotional wellbeing. As you have mentioned, gambling for financial gain has seen you chase your big wins and big losses, which has kept you in the negative problematic cycle of continued gambling. It seems as though you still see gambling as a solution to financial difficulties and to some extent your emotional difficulties. To change the problem requires changing the cycle of gambling behaviour, there are support services, and tools you can access and implement to help you with the recovery process. We have telephone adivisors (freephone: 0808 8020 133) and netline chats where you can speak with one of our advisors who can help you to begin accessing practical steps and emotional support in helping with stopping the problematic cycle.
You have taken a really brave step by talking about your experience and past difficulties here today. Please continue to use the forum and our service for further information and advice.
Warm Regards
Forum Admin
Wow 'Agent-Dark-knight' that sounds like one hell of a rollercoaster,
I wont lie when i say that i think this could be the most unique story i have read so far on the forum. I've been reading posts since about March, however this is my first time of posting.
To begin with i am very sorry for you losses my friend, I cant imagine what it feels like to loose so much close family, i have been extremely fortunate and have not had to go through such an experience yet, let alone on the magnitude you have had to, i truly dread the day though!
I understand that addiction naturally runs in the family, it's genetic. Your brother unfortunately passed away from his addiction and you are addicted to gambling, this is similar with my brother and myself, he loves to drink to excess and i also like a drink and unfortunately more to gamble, our family has addiction history on both sides, it's sad it got us both too.
You wont want to hear it but you have been very very very lucky on the gambling front mate, all of us here have been chasing the jackpot's you have accomplished, and to hit them 3 times is nothing short of a miracle! But i totally get and can sympathise why you continued to play, i'd have done the same mate....I have done this same...no matter how much your up or how much you win back you just think to yourself 'well i'll set aside £100 of that win to play again, i dont mind loosing that and it's just a last bit of fun playing before i quit'....and then once that £100 is gone your quietly annoyed about it....and then ive personally lost thousands in a failed conquest to win it back, regardless of the fact i was 'willing' to gamble it in the first place.
Chin up though fella, your not in a terrible position, you have your home paid off for a start. Some people on here owe the value of a home through gambling and still rent or have a mortgage on top of the debt they pay.
It will take me personally 2 years to pay my debts and then another 15 years for the mortgage, so if your just struggling in the mean time whilst you find an income try not to let it get you down too much bud. I know your anxiety issues are an problem but i reckon there's a bunch of places that would give you a job whilst actually accomodating your anxiety, its much more secure and guarenteed than match betting. Times have changed and work places are much more wise to Mental Health than they were in 2008!
I wish you all the best for the future mate, i know it's super difficult but try to remember there's always someone worse off than you....also maybe your house has monetary value for the kids inheritance, but your company, your smile and your value as their father...that's invaluable...worth so much more!!! So so much more...
Good luck with you journey, you can do this! I will be reading your diary so keep it up,
All the best my friend =)
Hi Proximo,
It has been a rollercoaster mate that is for sure. I appreciate all your kind words and I agree completely that I am more fortunate than most due to owning my home.
Regarding my anxiety condition I would genuinely like to believe that many employers would be flexible and be prepared to help but my current mindset isn’t having it. I’d like to think a period of abstinence will bring about a new mentality and instill me with new belief. The day I can finally rid myself of this apathy will be a fine day indeed.
With today being a Monday I am classing this as day one of abstinence, I will post a 7 day diary every monday starting next week. The hope is that it will prove therapeutic, not only for me, but for others too.
Hi Michael,
Sounds like you could do with support, your nearest GA group would be a good place to start. The fact that you are making an income from this is not really healthy. Its like an alcholhic having a job as a wine taster. Its not going to go well. The 12 step program in GA is a great process at making us take a long hard look ourselves.
Hi I’m new to GamCare, I’ve been gambling for 4-5 years now and 2 year ago I realised I had a serious addiction. Fortunately for me I had supportive parents who has stood by me and try to the best by me through it all, I have let them down time and time again over the years. I have finally decided to put a stop to it all I have self excluded myself from all online gambling sites and the bookmakers by me. But since I’ve been gambling I now have anxiety and and it’s becoming a problem in my relationship and socialising is there anyone on here who has any tips on how to get my unanxious a normal life back together
Thanks
That is the 100 million dollar question. Anxiety has crippled me not only recently but for my entire adult life. Unless a person suffers with the same disorder it’s impossible for someone to understand how difficult it is for me to just stop matched betting. What I have left will dwindle to nothing if I do that as I have no other means of earning a living. If I had a job I would self exclude without delay but I don’t and that puts me in a very very tricky position. I won’t deny that logging into bookies to place matched bets is very tough though because you are simply one tab away from the casino but at present I don’t see an alternative.
I’m glad I have quit gambling I still get the urges and to gamble and if I didn’t have will power I know I could find a way to gamble just to take away the urge but on the other hand anxiety is the thing that is motivating me to never gamble again because it it’s a horrible thing to live with. I’m just going through the motions with it at the moment to see if it gets any better with me stopping gambling I really hope so and I think their should be more help for problem gamblers who are wanting to stop, I don’t know if this is just me but gamblers anonymous isn’t my thing because if you know you’re needing to go to these meetings then you already understand that you have a problem I don’t understand why their isn’t more of a productive way to keep busy and take the mind off of gambling... am I just talking daft or do I have a point?
Thanks
You certainly have been through the mill and well done for recognising and acknowledging your problem.
I wanted to ask about the matched betting. I understand that this is how you have made your living due to anxiety. However by not self excluding from sites you are not making life easy for yourself. Personally self excluding through gamstop and a decent site blocker is all that has kept me from gambling this last week. I cannot imagine being able to stop without them in place. Every time you log in to matched bet you are walking a tight line of falling back to the slots. If you can stay off them while still logging in to make matched bets you are immensely strong, I would go as far as to say a superhuman and I'm really rather envious!
Is this perhaps a good time to seek alternative means of making money? I totally understand what you meant about the anxiety, from personal experience I know how crippling it can be. But there are lots of alternatives to consider at home; A drop shipping business on amazon/ebay/shopify or blogging, maybe transcription work, proof reading etc. Granted you may not make the same money to begin with (although these can also be lucrative once you're established) but you won't be loosing money to gambling either. As a previous poster said workplaces are much more accommodating, they need to be legally, or how about training for a trade and becoming self employed?
Your previous attempts to stop have not worked, as when something traumatic happened you went back to it, so maybe now you need to try something different, something new, something as drastic as the change you want to see. You seem to be a in dark place and if you're serious you need to make the hard decision for a blanket ban on all gambling sites be they slot or matched betting remove the temptation.
Draw a line under all that has gone before and start over minus any betting activity.
This is just my suggestion and I am by no means an expert since I've only been a week bet free, however either way you will need support whatever you decide to do. Maybe also worth checking in with your GP regarding the anxiety even just for once over and suggestions of support.
Good luck whatever you do I will keep an eye out for your updates.
Hi , if you do want to persist in the matched betting aren't there sections of the site that you can self-exclude from ? (I'm thinking of the main / largest one). Also there is an exchange (a UK one name beginning with S) that is exchange only no casino games at 2% commission. re : income now that your capital is below 6k have you thought about claiming benefits ? ESA for example , due to your anxiety ? (up to 6k capital won't affect income-related benefits). This may also help with Council tax & more importantly give you an income which could sway you away from matched betting / visiting these casino sites.
I can't help but think that the 'matched betting' is just a hook, fishbait, a 'way-in' which then lures you on to the slots etc. Just like the gambling operators' introductory bonus / free bet offers themselves, or a drug dealer offering the first hit for free.
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