My name? Lucian. I am gambling since the age of 12. Now I am 32. I grew up in an environment where gambling was as common as watching TV. Before I was legal age of online and shop gambling, I was playing with neighbourhood pals craps, card games and any other possible thing that involves money. We even played football on money.
Since 2007, I've worked and lived in 5 countries: Holland, England, Denmark, France, Belgium, back to Holland, Back to France and now back to England. Everywhere, gambling was eating 80% of my life, my finances; I had good runs and I had legendary bad ones. From living in Amsterdam and having daily 500€ in pocket from blackjack and poker, to working my a*s off in Normandy for 350€ a week, and having almost nothing in my pocket due to online slots, horse racing or football betting.
I've cheated, lied and stealed to hide and fuel my addiction.
Since may 2017, I live and work in London; 39hr a week for a meer 10.5£/hr. I'm paid every thursday around 12:30 PM. After my shift ends at 16:30, by 18:30, my bank account is empty after I go into a betting shop. Either is horse, dogs, football but the big chunk goes into the bloody virtual slot machines. Some days I leave with a plus of 1000£ but friday comes and I'm back in, leaving pennyless. I thing that the feeling of beying depleted ia stronger then the one wheb you win. So my STOP BUTTON doesn't function anymore. Lucky I am that my card is contactless and my bank lets me spent maximum of 50£ over the balance(but no cash witdraw) that way I won't starve.
I am tired of just surviving, daily thinking and waiting for the next payday to fuel my addiction. I've lost rent money, food money, health money, borrowed money.
After each loss, The suicide ideas become stronger and stronger. Now I've self excluded for live from poker sites online, from sport and casino betting sites. Tomorrow I will go to ban myself also from my local shops. But just like in the past, I will always find a way around it so I can fuel this demon. I try to hold onto running ( from work to home, 8 miles run 4 days a week) but even that is not as strong as the desire to gamble my money, my life, my friends, my family away.
I've reached a point where I can't live like this anymore. But at the same time, I can't stop it. This addiction breaks the strenght of will!
I want to stop! I want to stop! How can I do it? How can I stop an addiction that ruled me for 20 years? It makes me loose the will to live!!!
Hi SLS, welcome to the site 🙂
Great work so far in taking steps to break your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle. I don’t know if you are aware but there is an exclusion scheme MOSES вЂÂ0800 294 2060‬ to exclude from multiple locations that you may find useful in regards to the Bookies...Although going into the shop to do it can feel very empowering, I probably wouldn’t recommend doing it alone & if you do, you will need to take 2 photos (these can be photocopies).
As you have experienced & explained, this is progressive but it’s only as strong as you allow it to be. Have a look @ the GA website & think about getting to a meeting, speak to the helpline & arrange some counselling (if your loved ones are hurting from this too then give them the same advice as there is help for them too from GamCare & GamAnon groups), come here everytime you feel stressed & read or write. You stop addiction by accepting it has you beat, drawing a line under your past & taking all the help you need to start a new chapter. Gambling promised me a fairytale but delivered a nightmare...It also had me in it’s clutches a decade longer & although my life isn’t perfect now, it’s an awful lot easier to navigate without the constant stress of gambling.
Addiction will tell you you are worthless & you need it but it lies...I’m not going to lie & say it’s easy but You can stop - ODAAT
Hi Lucian,
Your story will sound very familiar to other compulsive gamblers adn they will be able to help you through this. First step is admitting you have a proble adn seeking help, as compulsive gamblers we tend to spend most of our time in denial as basically we cannot stop and do not really want to.
The only way to improve from now on is to stop. Im over 6 months gamble free, although I am still in debt caused by gambling, I am chipping away at it and have a much better life now. I have stopped all the lies and my relationships are more open adn honest as a result. It is not an easy battle but I find my GA meetings a huge help. My life will continue to improve once I dont gamble and I will take it one day at a time.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. i wish you well in your battle with this addiction.
Hello Lucian,
Well done for posting your introduction on the forum. Please feel welcome to continue using the forum so that you can benefit from sharing online peer support here.
In your post you mentioned that after spending your money on gambling you sometimes get ideas about suicide, and at times your frustration with your gambling problem makes you feel like you're losing the will to live. I wonder how you might feel about using support locally to help you manage those intense feelings, for example might you talk with your GP about your mood if you were suffering a great deal emotionally? GPs can potentially help patients to access professional local support for their well-being, including their emotional and psychological well-being. Another source of emotional support for people who are troubled by feelings of despair is the freephone helpline for the Samaritans 116 123, they offer a listening service that is freely available 24 hours a day: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
Would you like to find out more about GamCare's free counselling appointment service? There are various options, there may be a local face-to-face 1-2-1 therapy service near your area. GamCare counselling services are intended to support recovery from problem gambling and recovery from the negative affects of problem gambling. You can call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 if you'd like us to help you find some free support for you.
Take care,
Forum Admin.
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