Help urgent advice needed please

Dear Sky,

Welcome to the Forum!

You are understandably worried about your son and you wonder about what to do regarding money and how to support him best without helping his gambling problem.

I wonder whether you would like to contact us directly, sky, to talk this through with an adviser. It might be useful to you to get further support and we would be able to point you in the right direction. The Helpline in on 0808 80 20 133 and you can find the Netline here https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/

Both services are open every day from 8 am to midnight.

*If you have any doubts about his safety at any given time, you can always try and contact the emergency services in the country he resides in.

Kind wishes

Forum Admin

Posted by: Sky77

My son's gambling addiction started 4 years ago. I spent most of my savings to pay his debts. He lied so many times and even stole from me. I only found out 2 years ago. He left uni because of it. Every time I help him he promises me it is the last time. Stupid as I am I carried on helping him. He moved abroad (Spain) 6 months ago as he said he had got a job there but was secretive about the whole move. I only hear from him when he needs something. He has finally admitted to being addicted to gambling. To cut a long story short he again needs money but denies it is debt, says he has lost his passport, need to pay for hotel until he gets his new passport (3 weeks). I said no. He sent me an email on Sunday saying he would kill himself if I didn't help him. I got so scared I sent him the £800 he was asking. Next day he asked for more (£500). I said no. He has now withdrawn from our family what's app group and sent me a goodbye email again. I am so terrified. What should I do?

Hello 

if I was you , I wouldn’t send him any money. it is of course up to you but if you keep helping him he will gamble even more ! He is probably lying about the hotel and he has moved to Spain to get away from people who try to stop him from gambling because now in his eyes gambling is his world ! All you can do is to advise him & hope he will come to his senses ... unfortunately the more you tell someone to not do something the more they will do it ! 

Hope things will get better . 

Hi... I am a compulsive gambler.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, you do just have to leave your son to get on with it. He is addicted to gambling with all the lying cheating, stealing and crocodile tears that may go along with it.

I use to get bailouts as well, but not anymore. I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

The more you feed the addiction the more it will take. The reality is that you have to keep your son at arms length, even if it means no contact for months on end. Its just the reality of addiction, no different really from a drug addiction.

My mum once said to me. If you end up hungry and homeless and living in a ditch I would be very sad... but it would have been your choice. Now that's tough love.

Your son behaves the way he does because he's addicted to the risk taking of gambling and the euphoria it brings. he wants to repeat the feeling over and over again until his world comes crashing down and then he gambles merely to escape the consequences of the gambling. Its a vicious cycle. See it for what it is. All the best

Hi sky, I hate to be brutal but it's like a drug. So start thinking that if you give him money, you are giving him drugs. The more they gamble the more desperate and depressed they become. You have given everything in good faith that it would help and he would stop. Unfortunately this is enabling. He will beg, plead, manipulate you, blame you, threaten anything to make you give him that drug. 

This is not your fault, not your responsibility. If you stop giving him that cash it may push him towards addressing his problem. 

Get some help and support from calling gamcare and find a gamanon meeting.

things will not change until you do. Remember you can't believe what he tells you. He is in the grip of addiction and you can't reason with an addict. This is forever, not a passing phase.

Hello thank you all very much for your replies, very useful. I need to be strong and not feed his habit.

So sorry to hear your story. I can’t begin to imagine your fears with all of this. 

I am a problemed gambler as well. I’m lucky enough to say that my problem hasn’t become as serious as yours but hopefully I can give a little bit of advice...

First of all - is it possible for you to head out to Spain to see him?  It would probably be cheaper for starters?

Secondly, if possible you need to either be someone who can confide in or you need to find someone who he can? If it is you help that you feel you can offer to him then perhaps take a step back, try and approach it with a clear and calm head - try your best to understand his feelings - maybe have a read of some people diaries on here, they give you the most realistic perspective of what he could be going through?

Third, really try and have the conversation with him and tell him that his future in your family is still bright even if he has got this addiction. If you can get him to open up and admit to his troubles then that is the first step of recovery - trust me, I’ve been there - it is the hardest thing I ever had to do so from my experience I know how hard it was for me to finally admit to it.

Finally, gambling is often (it was in my case) just a branch of another underlying problem with his life. Once I really thought about everything and spoke out loud about how and why I do gamble it made me realise a lot more about my life. I ended up speaking to a doctor about it and I received CBT - i don’t think I got the effect that the system expected me get but I definitely learned something in my own way from it and it completely changed my outlook on life and the world. Maybe try and look below this problem and see if there’s anything else you could be missing - has he got in trouble with the wrong people? Has he got a relationship that isn’t going to plan? Does he have a deep lying mental health issue?

All the best in your battle, so many people are behind you both though!

As a parent and a person who has contemplated suicide because of my addiction, I would have to send some money to him - but not the huge amounts you have sent. Just enough to pay for basic food for the day, say ten/twenty pounds to last a week. And I'd also offer to pay for the flight home for him so he can get help - but I'd buy the tickets.

It would lessen the guilt trip he puts on you and give you more control of the situation. Then you won't give in and give him big amounts he can blow in one gambling session - all the while worrying yourself silly about him.

xx

Thank you for your useful reply. He has been harassing me everyday for money using "im going to kill myself" line or "you and dad don't care about me" lines. I keep strong and ignore him. 

Thank you so much for your reply. He has never agreed to meet up and is secretive about where he is staying. Me and his dad have tried many times to set up a meeting. Even when he was in London, he would come to our house but wouldn't tell us where he was staying.

Thank you very much for your advice. I offered to pay straight to the hostel for the remainder of his stay in Spain (until he gets his new passport he said he lost - don't know if It's a lie or not) but he said no, saying that he couldn't stay in that hostel, that he was going to a new one and that they wouldn't accept him if he didn't pay himself at the desk..... so it indicates another lie to me... if I send him a week payment for food, the next day he asks for more.

Dear all, just to give you an update. I recently paid for a hostel in Spain for my son until he gets his new passport which should arrive on 3rd October (so he says) (he became homeless - the hostel confirmed he is staying there). I also sent him a bit of money for food. He promised that we wouldn't hear from him until he gets his passport "to give me peace". Next day (today) he is asking me for £250 "to pay someone back". I have ignored him. He is now emailing me that this person knows my address in the UK. What should I do or say? It sounds like a threat. He has been lying to me for 4 years. I have blocked him on what's app and my Hotmail. I will have to block him from my work email as he has tried to contact me there in the past or even called.... it is harassment and I don't know what else to do.

His debt, his problem.

If you want to reply you could do so along those lines. If you don't want to reply (and by extension buy into the drama and manipulation) don't. He's spent four years lying to you and it's not going to stop until you draw the line.

Hi Sky,

Our advice is no bailing out as it gives a means to gamble. However, we do appreciate that this is not straightforward and you are getting emotional and difficult messages from your son. It is tough love and although your son will want money, giving him access to it means that the situation is far less likely to end. Sometimes it can be hard to know the truth from the lies. Try to keep posting on here for support and resist sending your son money, despite his 'threats'. You are still supporting him in other ways. You don't have control over what he chooses to do/not do but you do have control over what you do/don't do.  Its so important to look after yourself in all this and you cant pour from an empty vessel.  

Remember you can have a one to one chat with us on our Helpline and Netline 

Take Care,

Forum Admin

Hi 

I am new to this and have been just reading the forums. Everything everyone has said I can relate to I just feel alone and find it hard to open up. I made my first call to the helpline and was for some reason expecting the lady to shout and say how silly I’ve been but she was so nice and supportive I feel guilty about what I’m doing and how disappointed my family will be. I guess like everyone else I wish I had a magic wand ....