Hi, my partner needs to see my bank statements

Welcome GTiA

I am really pleased that you have posted on the forum and reached out for support. Your situation sounds very tough, especially during this difficult time. I understand that compulsive gambling can lead to people feeling worthless and it sounds like it has left you feeling pretty low, please know that you are not alone and this is an issue which affects a lot of people, it can become problematic very easily, so please don't be too hard on yourself.

It sounds like it's also been difficult keeping your gambling secret and that your partner has a number of challenges herself. Can I ask is she getting some support with her post natal depression, maybe through her GP or health visitor?

Please do consider calling our HelpLine, if you haven't already. It is open 24 hours a day and is free 0808 8020 133. It's great that you have made this first step by contacting us. 

You are clearly keen to stop and there are a lot of  tools to assist with this, including free treatment support, should you wish to access this you can do so via our website or through the HelpLine.

Please remember there is plenty of support available both here on the forum and through our website and HelpLine, although things may feel very tough right now, there is help available all the way through your recovery journey.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery

Cal

GTiA,

Sometimes we get pushed into corners from which the only way out is to be honest. You could lie, but you'll know it and deep down she'll know it. You could avoid it by making excuses but you'll know it and deep down she'll know it. Imagine if you did manage to get away with it for the next three months, how much lying would be involved and what would happen afterwards? Would you go back to gambling just because you've gotten away with it this time?

In my experience, being honest about my problem and what I had done was the best decision. Yes, she was angry and yes the money lost caused some issues, but my wife appreciated the honesty and we were able to move on. The money can be earned again, you've already said you earn a decent wage.

I was able to do what I really wanted to do which was seek help again for my addiction. Advice given to me which I give to others is to tell her everything. Don't keep anything back, because like a dark dirty secret, it festers and will send you back to gambling.

There are no short cuts to this problem. Gamblers anonymous can help, a gamcare adviser can help, for some people counselling can help, but it all starts with you.

Good luck.

Chris.

Hi GT and welcome to the forum

What can I say to you? Its an addiction that leaves you open to being found out sooner rather than later. The signs are probably already there with your stress and anxiety.

A born again moment requires openess and honesty. I know its not going to be easy but look what gambling has done to you.

You need reality checks as you are a drug addict for gambling. You are ignoring the odds...when was the big win coming then...after you handed them your life savings. Its not a get it back later scheme on those odds

Its a complex addiction. Obviously you dont have that sort of money to chuck away and you are actually gambling with the love and support of your family.

You need help and there is no shame in admitting that. Its an addiction that doesnt care about you so your family are also along for that ride.

What do you think is going to happen....I walked into the room and looked at my smiling family knowing I had replaced the money in the account and they never knew?

The addiction is beyond that...it doesnt work like that.

You are now in a corner and looking for tips to get out of it. There are no easy answers My advice is stop gambling NOW and act on the blocking advice...its not the answer to what you are seeking. Every time you gambled your family relationships were the stakes. It wasnt about the money...you were seeking a drug at all costs.

At some point I feel you will have to face your wife with the truth. If you love her you will want to protect her and you are not protecting her at the moment. Your addiction is putting you all at serious risk. So you blag this one...what next?...its an addiction that will totally destroy you

Im not saying you are a bad person doing this with an evil laugh. You are ill with a split mind control disorder called a gambling addiction

Face yourself and face the truth..we will help you on the forum. Please ring gamcare again and reach out for all the help and advice

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi GTia,

My partner is a compulsive gambler. He came clean to me more than a month ago. We have been together for more than 5 years and are engaged to be married. I had NO IDEA about his gambling. I was shocked and devastated but you know what? I wish I knew sooner. He was terrified to tell me but he said it was the best decision ever in his life. Now we’re in this together.

I understand you’re not ready yet but in my personal opinion you cannot recover from this illness if you continue to keep this as a secret from your partner. Addiction thrives in secrecy. You may be able to make excuses now but without being honest to her you are just making it more difficult for yourself and you will cause her more hurt.

I wish you well, pls remember there is a lot of support for compulsive gambling. And you’re not alone.

Hi GTiA

Sorry to hear you are in this situation, the worry must be extremely difficult to deal with.

I am afraid the best answer is to come clean to your partner. It will probably be a pretty unpleasant experience to say the least. I would put confessing to my wife about my behaviour as one of the worst experiences in my life, but, and there is a but - after I told her and she got over the initial shock of how I could have wasted so much money, the thing that hurt her the most was that I did not feel I could come to her earlier. She actually said the secrecy and lying actually felt almost like I had been cheating on her with someone else. 

The longer you leave it the worse it is going to get both in terms of the secrecy/lying and the cash impact. So far you have lost your savings and some salary so can probably still pay the bills and eat. Wait until you have run up credit cards and have taken out loans that you cannot afford to repay. When you cannot pay your mortgage or rent and have to move your family out of your house, you will look back to today and beg to be given the chance to go back and be given the options you have today to confess and start your recovery. 

You ask if you could "stop now and re-do this in 3 months time"? Unfortunately your actions to date don't really suggest you are going to stop. 

Please do not reads all these responses as people preaching to you and telling you what to do. I can't speak for the others but I just wish I had come to this site earlier and listened and acted on what was suggested earlier. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep posting.

There are and always will be excuses not to come clean. I've no idea how he justified it to himself but Mr L didn't do it until he'd run us into the ground and had no option - twice. At the moment you're only savings down. How would you explain unmanageable debt?

If you really want to stop coming clean and handing over control of the finances is the first step. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret.

Thanks everyone I've read through these a few times now and they all make sense. I feel quite glad to have spoken up now before it escalated further out of control.  

I will reach out to the number when I can have some me time, it doesn't exist at the moment due to the lockdown.. life is quite intense isn't it with families and work and the  a horrible addiction on the side eating away at your self esteem

Does that mean you're coming clean to your partner, now or after the lockdown or you have already?

Chris.

The same question as Chris........?

Sorry I wrote it in a bit of a rush. I haven't said anything yet to her I think because she hasn't asked my for my statements I've put it off.  The positive I've taken out of this is I haven't been on any gambling apps. I wasted £30 on some silly phone game (chance to 'win' good items on it). But nothing else. I think if I can say to myself now if I slip and even make a single deposit on any of the gambling apps then I need to tell her. End of story. This is like my final chance I'm giving myself. Does that sound reasonable? I haven't felt incredibly low like i had been feeling. For now at least

Hey GTiA

not meaning time be negative but it sounds like the typical “excuse” and “promise” us compulsive gamblers seem to always use, the longer you wait the worse it will be (read my intro) the fact you dishes a bullet is just sheer luck, I wish you well and to be GF, but fir this you’ll need support of others, starting with your family.

9419

Xx

I sometimes go down the game route for a small while and although I have myself lost a fair bit of money playing the games, it's the way I behave that makes me delete them. My addictive nature kicks in and I start behaving in a certain way. I lie about what I'm doing, I lose sleep because of playing and it takes precedence over other aspects of my life. In the scheme of my gambling the money spent and lost on games is negligible, but it makes me behave in a way that I don't like. Having been off gambling for a while gives me somewhat of a clearer mind so I do delete them. It's like a weight lifted.

I hope you find the strength to talk to your partner.

GTiA,

How is it going?

Chris.