how do you just let go of that gripping suffocation/gut punch feeling when you think about your losses

Yikes! You really have been through a tough time of late haven't you?! Welcome to Gamcare. Id like to say thank you for reaching out for help and finally betting on yourself! 

This organization has changed my life, Turned it around in fact and I hope it can do the same for you  

Sorry to hear things have been so bad lately! Honestly I could have written this post myself as I have such a similar pattern with online slots, I also started out thinking losing £100 was a major deal but after chasing my losses I'm left with over £15k (mainly credit card) debt. I can't speak for everyone but I personally find over thinking about the money side of things doesn't help with recovery. I'm aware of my losses and have a plan in place for repaying my debts but I do try not to focus on the 'hating myself for losing so much' side of things or the 'what else I could have done with that much money' aspect. I think over focusing on the money lost makes me more tempted to gamble to still try and recoup those loses. I obviously do still have times where I think about it and get that gut punch feeling that you talk about, but ultimately my sole priority now is doing whatever it takes for me to never gamble again. Anything thoughts or actions that go against that I really try to push aside. It's definitely not easy but over time it will get easier! Best of luck! ? 

Posted by: @remi10

Hello all, I am new to this website after a really ridiculously stressful month where things went from amazing to bleak in what feels like the blink of an eye (or the tap of a spin button). 

I have had patterns of compulsive/obsessive gambling for the past few year since losing my parent. I think as a form of distraction or just to feel good, maybe. I had never lost a great deal, maybe a couple of hundred pounds at most which was always aggravating and after this happened a few times I self excluded on gamstop in an attempt to stop myself from being tempted as I realised it was self sabotaging behaviour and didn’t do me any good and could easily become out of hand because I know what my personality is like. I struggle with PTSD due to trauma and have a real obsessive streak with certain thing.. including beating myself up after losses - clearly!! Which in turn makes me drawn back in to bet more and try to recoup losses. 

anyway, I had self excluded with gamstop and many of the leading casinos but as any compulsive gambler knows too well, it is fairly easy to circumvent these systems and reopen and deposit and lose, and reopen and deposit and lose, time and time and time and time again. 

I had done fairly well at staying clear and had the odd flutter which wasn’t an issue and then in June I won big, seemingly on a winning streak on a new account with 32red, I was up, and it felt like I kept winning and winning and winning, I was up more than ever before, at £3,700. I felt truly incredible, my soul was smiling and I felt like I had beat the casinos at their own game. Nothing else mattered because I was winning.

I had savings of £2,400 separate from this, as I planned to take sabbatical from work and with my £3,700 winnings i could have had the most amazing sabbatical, able to do whatever I wanted and support myself financially and then..

“maybe if I put £200 on I can double my sabbatical funds, I only gambled £200 to begin with and won almost £4,000 so surely it’s easy to do again”..

£200 lost on slots, then £500, then £1,000, then £1,000 then £1,000, higher and higher stakes until I’ve lost my entire winnings in the space of an hour or two, then in pure and utter delusional madness I lose my £2,400 savings, then win some back, but not as much as I originally won.. so not good enough, so I spent it again. I go from being almost £4,000 up, to being down £500, to being up £100 to being down £1,000,

Two or three weeks of this madness, going from being down £500 and in a headspace where I could have been relieved at this, and called it quits, I had zero debt to my name and now, from bad to worse I am now in a position where I have lost all my sabbatical savings and  gradually transferred £8,000 from my credit card to my bank account using PayPal.. l and maxxed it out, all trying to recoup it spin by spin, knowing in the back of my mind I never could and that I was digging myself deeper and deeper and deeper.

Every grand I lost I would realise my madness and self exclude, then reopen another account with the same casino by altering my name by one letter, I swear I did this about 9 times, using the same address, same bank cards, same DOB, and very similar first and last names. Not once was I asked for supporting documentation or evidence to support the level of spending. Every so often I’d win and then feel relieved and then tell myself I was done… only to go back and lose it all and more. I earn just over £1600 a month, what the hell was I thinking? But in what felt like a numb, dream, it’s all gone.

and here I am now, disgusted, shameful, regretful, angry, confused, outraged, just generally so P****d off with myself that I have allowed myself to get here. I feel like I have let myself down massively. I haven’t gambled for over a week, I haven’t wanted to, I have updated my gamstop details and excluded and closed all my accounts everywhere, I think I’ve exhausted every single possibility of opening a new account on any online uk casino now after my actions the past month. 

I am not tempted to gamble right now, I don’t want to give any more of my money to these crooks, but I just cannot let go of these feelings and that gut punching feeling of what I could have done with the money. The money I had won and also the money I have now lost, money I didn’t even have, that I am now going to have to work hard (for nothing) to repay to my credit card. 

I calculated my total losses today and it is £7,237.16 (not including the £3,700 I was up in the first place when I initially won big) and my OCD nature is even stupidly mad that this isn’t a round number. 

I have worked out a plan for my finances to get it paid by mid next year and it is 0% interest so I won’t be accruing extra debt on top by the way of interest but f*%k me that feeling of desperate despair and guilt that you might as well have burnt the £7k and atleast I’d have warmed my hands for a little while. £7k + down the toilet with nothing to show except a heap of guilt and embarrassment and self loathing.

to think I used to think losing £100 was a huge deal…. How did I get here?!

My partner has no idea and I have always been so responsible with money I have no idea how I allowed this to happen, being a working class person I have always known how important it is to be frugal and “look after the pennies”…, luckily we have separate accounts and we just chip in together for bills so they won’t find out because I don’t think I could live with the added shame of them finding out. I have only lost my own money and I realise it could be much much worse.

but, I myself have destroyed my plans for the next year, I can no longer enjoy my sabbatical and will have to graft for effectively nothing for the next year to clear my debt, all while hoping my partner doesn’t ask why I’m so skint and not able to go on holiday or enjoy anything other than the basics. 

I do not want to gamble, I am not even slightly tempted I think I have scared myself so much and the shock of looking through my bank statements has made me almost physically sick; all I’m hoping for is someone who has any advice on how to just move on and put the feeling of shame and embarrassment and loss behind you in order to draw the line under this chapter without it sucking my soul away everyday.

thank you for taking the time to read my post if you happen to come across it, I will truly cherish and appreciate any words of wisdom or advice x

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i hve had this felling many times over the years, gambling no matter how much you win, you will end up broke, when we win we just gameble more its best to keep away from it.

Best wishes

Hi sorry to hear about your struggles I’ve been gambling for 14 years and I’ve gambled secretly too where I had told my family and loved ones I had quit in which I hadn’t. I had winnings in one night in london casino well that just made things worse made me more addicted I would say I spent about 40k on nice things including paying off my debt I owed I blew the other money over a few months you need to try and forget about what you have lost and think off a positive road a head to getting help and trying to stop gambling don’t get me wrong it’s not going to be easy. I haven't gambled now for 4 weeks it was a wake up call 4 weeks ago when my partner found out I was gambling again and I was on the verge of losing her and my family. Keep strong and get help 

I honestly think you should be honest and tell your partner about your addiction. I hope she will understand and stick by you and come up with a plan to pay the best you now owe. I wish you all the best 

Hello Remy10 and welcome.

TIME together with a proper recovery will ease those feelings and heal you.

However this goes deep to the depths of your soul and you need this born again moment of realising that secrets are no good for you. You should be telling your family because you need help!

It protects them and it protects you because you can all build on the knowledge that money is to be protected as you are getting help to do the cold turkey from a drug addiction. You are an ill person trying to get better not a bad person trying to be good

You will use all thought processes to understand the money has gone and its not a get it back later scheme

This Fundamentally starts with the fact that you are still alive to tell the tale...understand what Im saying there?? If you can have a loving day with your wife then in that sense it's worth far more than money. 

HOWEVER I STRESS AGAIN...that you can not keep the secret like your wife will never know because it doesn't work like that....it will eat you up inside...you will seriously need to consider GA meetings and counselling

I see the stress and confusion because we have all been there. Your aim is actually a serenity and peace of mind.....if its cost you that money to stop now.....better sooner than later

The memory of the money has a use in making sure gambling is associated with pain and you won't want to do it again......simply you don't have a time machine and now have a lot to learn about what's really important in life

It's no good just saying you want to stop.....get the help because this addiction gets into your bones just waiting to come out again.

I'm serious about handing your bank account and all money to your wife.....deadly serious and you should be on an allowance providing receipts

If you think that sounds awkward you need to learn about the power of this deadly addiction

You will earn money again and you have the rest of your life to live in a wholesome way, free from vices

Best wishes for a gamble free life