Hey all, my name is Kirsty, I'm 24 and suffer from multiple Mental Health problems.
I struggle so much with online gambling, I normally do it when I am having really bad thoughts in my head or can't cope with my feelings at the time.
I've lied to my partner about gambling so much that when she finds out she flips out and doesnt trust me anymore, it's put so much strain on our relationship and destroyed any trust there was. She thinks that because I can "easily" lie about gambling that I easily lie about other things which isnt true at all. To be honest lying about gambling kills me but I can't keep to get out of the habbit. I've been to the casino a lot of times but when I am there with someone I can control myself and I only seem to struggle with online slots. I use it to try and help distract me as it seems to be the only thing that I can hyper focucs on but it only makes things worse. I speak to a councellor on the phone every so many weeks but I only have 1 session with her left and my anxiety is so bad that I can't manage to join a local GA group. My relationship is destroyed and I have no idea what to do. It's got to the point where even though I am making this step to reach out to others my partner can still only critisise and make digs about it due to the fact that I have ruined everything. I just can't cope any more, I am too ashamed to ring gamcare, I have no family other than my parents, my dad is a massive problem gambler and put my mum and him in so much debt because of it, I swore I would never be like him, I'm not as bad as him, but I can't stand my partner comparing me to him because he is so bad with it, it makes him lose care for his loved ones but even when I gamble I still care so much. I gave him money for his birthday for a football ticket and had to stand there and watch him put it all in a bandit machine at a pub where we went for dinner, that effected me so bad, my mum just ignores that hes got a problem cause shes spent the last 20 years tring to get through to him with no luck and my partner just compares me to him. All I know is that I DONT ever want to end up like him and I NEED to get better because its destroying my life
My vice was online slots. Get software, it's free, called K9 and put it on your computer (if that's what you use to go online to play) it'll block all gambling sites. Get your other half to create the admin passwrod for K9 and that'll stop you trying to get round the controls to gamble. Start a diary in the diary section and just keep writing until you feel better and post it up. You can do this, you can take back control, you CAN!
Hello 2910
Welcome to the forum I am sorry to hear things are so difficult for you it may help to speak with your doctor or a mental health worker if you are having some bad thoughts and finding it difficult to cope with some feelings you are having. Please find information here for mind http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/ Mind do have a helpline and information line that can help you get some support in your local area you can contact them on 0300 123 3393
If you are finding it difficult to call us here at Gamcare on the telephone please know you can contact gamcare advisors through our netline and talk with text advisors will listen to your concerns http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline the lines are open 8am -midnight. I am not sure if your counselling is through Gamcare so I wanted to let you know that Gamcare advisors can give you further informtion on free counselling for up to 12 sessions one to one with a counsellor and services are across the UK an advisor can help you find your nearest service.
Please also find information here on blocking software that can block onlne gambling sites from phones tablets and laptops http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software#.VBwD8fldXww
Keep posting we are here to support you
Take care
Forum admin
It sounds like you are having a really tough time, it must be really taking its toll on you?
You can make a change and improve your life. It IS hard but surely that must be better than what you are going through now. The first thing I'd suggest is getting blocking software, then self excluding from as many Casinos as you can think of, then find ways to control finance. You could ask your partner to take control of them or you can do them yourself. Set up all the necessary direct debits, and then cut up your card and ask for a new one. The second it arrives scratch off the CVV number on the back - this means you cannot use it online. Not practical yes, but in the long run, so much better than gambling.
Then come on here as much as you can. I come on here every single day and read a load of diaries (you should start yours up as it helps track your progress and feelings along the way). There are also Chatrooms which are SO helpful as you can chat about how you are feeling and get some brilliant tips from other gamblers on how to really quit.
After you've done that there are other options such as GA and Counselling which is offered by GamCare for free. Personally, I was too ashamed like you said but after a week on the forum I built up my confidence to attend a GA meeting.
You CAN do this!
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, to be honest I wasnt really expecting anyone to reply. I currently haven't gabmled for 5 days, It's been a lot easier because my partner hasnt been at work. I've managed to find the strength to tell her when I have "feelings" to gamble which is a massive help. I did really well at one point, I hadnt gambled for around 3 weeks, but then I got overwhelming feelings to do it, so I did something that I genuinly thought was a good idea but turned out to be stupid.... I thought that if I signed up to "Free spins no deposit" type of gambling sites that I could get my "fix" of gambling but without having to put myself in a financially awkward situation. It didn't last very long as it just made my feelings to gamble more strong especially when I ran out of websites offering this daft incentive to join. I am going to look into the gambling site blockers that you have all mentioned but I am unsure where to find the dairy thing that was suggested. I would like to know others stories too, and what helps them, can you tell me what you do to stop you from going on online slots.
Kirsty2910 wrote:
I did something that I genuinly thought was a good idea but turned out to be stupid.... I thought that if I signed up to "Free spins no deposit" type of gambling sites that I could get my "fix" of gambling but without having to put myself in a financially awkward situation. It didn't last very long as it just made my feelings to gamble more strong especially when I ran out of websites offering this daft incentive to join.
That's like saying a heroin addict just needs a little bit to be ok. You really have to make the effort to block all temptation. You'll feel better for it. Get K9 software installed, one click and it does it for you. The diary section is in here http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forums/recovery-diaries 🙂
You can beat this, come on, you have what it takes. Just one small step at a time...
mccawpa , I know exactly what you mean, and I now see how it was such a stupid thing to do. And I wish I never did because who knows I could've kept up the GF preiod if I didnt give in to that. I will definately do the diary thing. As for the K9, I've read loads about it being great, but I am just worried that if I do that then my lack of control over it will make me more frustrated and want to access it more. In a sort of, You want what you can't have kinda way. I REALLY want to beat this, I just struggle with the lack of control, and it scares me. I know deep down it's the best thing to do, I just feel so lost and out of control.
Hiya Kirsty, are you sure you are not simply justifying leaving yourself an open door? Get k9 in place, it seems to work.
Hi Kirsty
Like Rhoda, I think your reluctance to install k9 is because you don't want to completely make it impossible to gamble. Until you're ready to make it impossible, I think you'll find it hard to stay stopped. Also, you seem to sound as though the casino social gambling can continue as this is not your real problem. I've gone through this myself loads of times. I keep going back to gambling as I always think I can manage it and do it socially and with limits when I go to the bingo and play slots there. However, one way or another my gambling gets out of control every time ! I'm desperately trying to get myself out of debt as it's just stopping me getting on properly with life. I can't save up properly for the future as all spare money goes on paying debts. Gambling is just bad news. Try getting K9 - get your partner to set the password - im speaking from experience here. Sorry if I sound harsh ... I just really relate to how you're describing your relationship with gambling. Congrats on day 5 - conincidentally I'm also on day five too.
Rhoda, I think you might have had a point.. and boxingdayfresh, I didn't think you were being harsh at all, in fact I appreciate your honest opinion. It helps a lot more than tip toeing around situations. In light of what you both said, my partner installed K9 for me tonight, and set the right restrictions. Although I don't want to feel like I am been spied on, I want to not only prevent myself from being able to access sites, but show that I am 100% committed to stopping this time, and have nothing to hide anymore. I feel proud of myself for making the step, I just hope that I will keep the positive feeling with me. I also applied for the group counselling sessions, so I am hoping to hear back about that too. As for the social gambling thing, the truth is, the casino was the only place that I didn't feel too anxious in comparison to other places such as pubs etc. I liked it because nobody bothers you, it's mostly quiet, there's no need to socialise with strangers (which I'm really not very good at) and I just didn't want to have to exclude myself from that too, because I hardly ever go anyway but that was one little thing I used to enjoy. But I can see now that I am thinking a bit more clearly that in actual fact it's just asking to make things more difficult for myself. Well done on being 5 days clean. I know it's hard, but I'm unsure if it's gonna get easier or harder with time. This time my goal isn't gonna be to win on online slots but it's gonna be to take back control of my self. I feel good about not gambling and I want to make myself and my partner proud too. I feel relieved too that I now know there's support on here, and I want to give my support to others too.
Hi Kirsty
I'm glad you didn't mind my comments and realised im only talking from past experience. Im on day 7 today having been on this site since December 2014 and I've been trying to stop and stay stopped since then. Think you've made the right choice trying to limit your access to gambling using the K9. With regards to the casino thing, I've never had any addiction to bingo. Although it's still gambling, it doesn't have the same affect on me as the slots. For this reason I've often thought I'm ok going to bingo, so long as I avoid the slots. But sooner or later, sometimes weeks or months, they draw me in and before I know it I'm losing hundreds at a time. My realisation is that I need to completely avoid all forms of gambling as they act as triggers for the slots that I know I've got my real addiction problem. It is hard as we want to cling on to something we really enjoy and it's that factor that really makes this addiction so difficult to crack.
Well you're at the right place, making all the right decisions and hopefully you're already starting to feel brighter about things. Take strength in those around you and use their support to help you overcome this.
Well done on week one
Hi Kirsty, I really know your situation all you have to remember is we are all in the same boat & all tell the same lies that is part of being addicted to gambling. I have had an online addiction for a very long time & I have lost my family & 2 beautiful kids to it. I am a good father & love them with all my heart but how good am I if I'd rather give the bookies money than treat my kids, partner etc?? There is only one winner I can promise you that I had a beautiful home & a fantastic life but an addictive nature but now I'm on my own trying to rebuild my life. I have got myself in debt but I'm taking small steps to pay back. I really suggest GA it is really good for your mind set no one judges you & have made some real good friends. Remember everyone in the room is in there for same reason as you. If you can block gambling out of your head then your mind will be at easy & I promise you will have a much happier life & appreicate money more. At the moment I would say £50 is like 50p to you thats how I felt & it's ridiculous as its a hell of a lot of money. Remain strong & actually do what you have to do because sitting there feeling sorry for ourselves doesn't help you have to make it happen. I recently lost my father who was my hero so I realise you only live once!! You can do it & good luck.
Good news on the K9 use. It'll take the ability to gamble away and you'll feel better for not having the pressure of being able to gamble, there to do. Nice one 🙂
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