I dont know where to start

I know the feeling man, its horrible addiction been in my life for so long now even though I'm only 21. Ive been doing since I was 17 On and off some months are real bad for me. I wish you the best mate if you have skype wouldn't mind talking properly.

Hi Fallenman

Well done for admitting to yourself that you have a problem and finding your way to this site. You haven't been talking gibberish, your story is so much like mine and many others on here so I won't go into the feelings of despair you are going through now. I will say though that they were feelings I had just over 2 months ago until I came to this site.

You will find support and encouragement here and know that you are not alone. We all understand and no-one will judge you. You are not a bad person, you have merely lost your way.

Practical steps - if you can tell someone you trust and ask them to put a block on your laptop and if possible your phone. This will give you some breathing space. Self-exclusion from sites is good but, as you well know, there are many more sites there to tempt.

I am not sure about the counselling services they have on here as I have not tried them but contacting Gamcare and asking them would be a good idea.

I found handing over my finances to someone I trusted has helped me but may not be practical for you.

Keep reading the posts, start a Recovery Diary and if you feel you would like to, join in the 2014 Challenge under Overcoming Problem Gambling section. All this has been so beneficial to me.

You have made the first step and I wish you every success in your recovery.

Elfie x

Hi Jason,

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you've found yourself in this situation but I can only commend you for finding the strength to come to the forum and start the process of seeking help to change things.

The initial post where we write everything down is one of the hardest as it is the first time we recognise just what a lonely place we have worked ourselves into and how backed into a corner we've been feeling.

Well done for being so frank and honest with everything you've shared, whilst it probably doesn't feel like it right now, opening up about this (not least to yourself) really is a really big first step towards finding a future that doesn't include the relentless instability and frequent unhappiness that compulsive gambling inevitably brings. Asking for help so that you can help yourself to achieve this is an incredibly brave thing to do.

Everyone on Gamcare forums are here to help and support each other throughout our respective recovery's and from this point onwards you are no longer on your own with all of this if you don't wish to be.

I can understand that you do not wish to tell your wife and that you feel there will be further negative repercussions if you do and I completely respect that.

I have a couple of initial suggestions that are pretty much the same as Elfie has wisely put forward.

Do you feel that you could benefit from some additional support from the Gamcare counselling services? They can be reached both online and through a freephone number (details are on this website) and having an initial confidential chat with someone could be a real help in starting to pull together a more comprehensive support plan whilst you undertake the initial steps to walk away from long-term compulsive gambling. Will power is ultimately what fuels us through recovery and keeps us gamble-free but at the start of the process it can be invaluable to get that bit of extra guidance and to know that you aren't carrying all of this around on your own (which can create a lot of additional stress and make things harder)

There are software programmes that you can subscribe to and install on your computers/mobile devices that will block access to all online gambling sites. Whilst thinking about a 'subscription' right after a big loss may seem impossible there might be a huge benefit in looking into it. As you say, whilst self-exclusion is an option (and well done for doing so) there is no shortage of alternative sites and the more we self exclude from 'reputable' sites the more risk there is of having to go to dubious (even more rigged) sites if we have a moment of weakness. Whilst I am completely convinced that you have an iron resolve to never go near another site again, taking away that option completely could be a really useful tool in helping you get through the initial process.

Gamblock and K9 Web Protection are two blockers that other members of the forum have used and will no doubt be able to give you opinions on.

Your immediate concerns about the financial effects of your recent losses must be very stressful. I can only re-affirm what you already know, trying to win back any losses will only further add to the problem and bring about more hardship. One of the things we have to do once we decide to stop gambling is accept that all money lost has to be written off. Whilst that can be incredibly hard to swallow there is something positive to try and acknowledge, nobody ever quits a compulsive gambling habit after a 'win' and successfully winning back the money lost would only be the gateway to even bigger losses. Whilst the 10k you are down (recently) will undoubtedly feel like a huge fee to pay to walk away try to think of it as the investment that was needed for you to finally walk away and lead the rest of your life much more happily.

If you are really struggling with how to manage things financially in the meantime then giving The National Dept Helpline (0808 808 4000) a call for some confidential advice might help you to put a manageable plan together and remove a bit of the stress of everything.

I hope that once the initial shock of things wears off and resolve kicks in that some of these options are of use. As with any addiction you have done the most important bit by admitting your problem and reaching out for help. From here on in it’s about creating the best environment that you can to feel supported in learning and using the tools to stay gamble free.

Welcome to the forum and welcome to your recovery. If you feel up to it then starting a recovery diary (either here or elsewhere) might be useful as something to keep referring to when you need to remember where you’ve come from and where you are going to.

All the very best

Ian.

Thanks so much both of you for replying. I am sat here in bits at the moment. I keep thinking i have gotten my head around the idea of what Ive done, and what a fool I have been and then an hour or so passes and it all just hits me again.

Just having someone reply to this thread has made me feel that little bit less alone with this.

it really really surprises me the number of people that have this problem. I feel such a fool when i hear people say "yeah that sick feeling when you put all the money back in" or the notion that you can "just get one big win and youll be back on top". Its *exactly* the same thing that I have been going through.

A few months ago I was working in Rickmansworth and I just got an urge to gamble, I was walking past the highstreet shops to get lunch and I just kind of walked into *** on auto pilot. I was sat there feeding twenty pound notes into the machine, chasing and chasing. I got to about 500 down, and i looked around the room and I saw all these other guys doing the same thing - we all had the same look of abject misery on our faces, no one speaking, everyone looking that little bit shameful of what we were doing. I saw one guy get a 200 odd quid win, and he didnt even flicker a smile, there was not even any relief - let alone the "joy" of a win. I thought to myself then, "were all doing this same thing, and killing ourselves financially and emotionally as well as doing god knows what to our friends and family by proxy and not one of us is doing it for fun". It made me think about that bl**dy ********* advert where the happy go lucky bunch of lads all go and enjoy their betting lifestyle and walk out with fistfuls of notes and go down the pub with each other. I doubt the real picture, the grim notion of five blokes sat in a stale smelling room constantly feeding twenties into those metal b*stards and not even cracking a smile would really garner quite so much interest. Then I thought this is one bookies on one street in one county in the UK. .... the number of people crippled by this as we are, feeling this shame, and pain. Its incredible.

Why on earth then, I let this progress into online slots... where the stakes are higher and potential losses even more ruinous I dont know. I just dont. I am not a stupid person, I am an educated guy with a successful business (which I have borrowed money out of to settle my debts, leading me into more problems) and yet I have done this ??????.

I will do what I can Elfie, I dont mean to be duplicitous but if I can keep this secret and take it to my grave - that is what I must do, the feelings this leaves me with will be my cross to bear as well as the financial damage Ive done and the reparations I will have to make to resolve that damage. I will definitely share with people on here though and I think it will help. Ill attend whatever I can virtually as well whilst I am travelling for work. Ill take a look at the challenge you describe.

Charlie - same to you mate, I wouldnt wish the feelings I had today on my worst enemy. My thoughts are with you. I do have a Skype account yes - It goes without saying of course that likewise if you needed to talk to someone I would be happy to listen. I am also going to log into the chat room here (I did so tonight) whenever I can. I have set up an email address specifically to use with GamCare and ill be checking it daily so ill respond to anything that hits that.

God. What a day. ive felt nauseous and have a banging headache all day, Im hopeful i can get some sleep tonight as I need to focus on work tomorrow, I cant let that slip as well.

Thanks again - it means a lot just to read these words, and like Elfie says, to be in a place that you wont be judged.

FM.

Thanks Ian.

You are so, so very right with everything you have written. I really think the shock of this and the realisation I am going through will do a lot to keep me from returning to gambling. I will definitely get the blocking software installed on all my various devices as well though - in my experience its a snap decision to open another account at another site so anything I can do to inject time to stop and think into the proceedings or to make it just hard enough that I would have to admit to myself that I was going to take active steps to get around whatever measures i had put in place to stop myself gambling in the first place... would hopefully make me stop any sort of moment of weakness if it was to occur.

I think you are right about the counselling services also, I will do that next week when I am back here. I just need to get through this weekend first. My resolve is as strong as i think anyones can be right after the horrible moment of epiphany and coupled with the fact that i have no money ! I think ill be fine this weekend, but I can see merit in speaking to someone nonetheless as I want to reinforce to myself the seriousness of what i have realised and undertaken here, and i think formalising that with someone would be another step in that direction.

On the subject of winning back loses I read another post earlier today that said something very similar to yours - it really made sense and made me think (as yours post also does) - it was along the lines of "there is no such thing as a "big win" for a compulsive gambler, as we are never satisfied with a big win, and all we really do is generate more stake money for the next session and eventually any "winning streak" will turn to loses ... then you end up back where you started but in an even worse state with more debts.

It has taken me a long time to actually admit and understand that I am (was) a compulsive gambler and that statement above applies to me.

I have heard people say "ive got an addictive personality" before and I am not sure that this is in reality something that exists, however without wanting to use that tired cliche, I do seem to exhibit such a trait. I do have self control and anything I see as harmful I have managed to limit in the past, for example I have always avoided recreational drug use, even though when i was younger I was very much a part of a group that did them habitually, i didnt slip into that as i decided it was too dangerous and therefore not for me. So I am hoping that now that i have had this wake up call, I will apply that same restraint to gambling.

thanks so much again for replying to me with your very sage advice, this forum is definitely going to help me, and I hope one day I will be able to return that help to someone else new to this on here.

I will as you suggest start a recovery diary on here.

Best Regards,

FM.

Hi Jason,

Sorry to hear about your current state of affairs but with gambling it will only get worse.

I just wanted to say your certainly not alone Im 36 and can relate to EVERYTHING you say, I have 2 kids 1 yr old and 3 yr old its a lot of responsibility.

In my earliy gambling days I too was "that guy that stands in the corner all night by the machine".

Like you played FOBT and even looked up Youtube videos of big wins or streaks, when i felt like gambling, quite sad isnt it.

Id guess ive had hundreds of online accounts over the years self excluding from one only to join another, some seeming dodgy but in my desperation to gamble it didnt even matter, I always lost! Even when i did win not once did i do something with the money it was always stake money for the next gamble!

Last yr i calcuated around 18k in gambling and thought f en hell what have i done this is beyond madness , but 3 months later was back it again!

This disease will ruin lifes, we need to do something about it, take action.

Like you i cant tell my wife, i have opned up to other people though and it def helps, try counselling or GA give it a go what harm can you do,

Im at the beginning of my journey but theres a world of help out there and people living great gamble free lives in recovery.

Like you I drink heavily , alcoholic style drinking actually i've been to AA b4 im an alcoholic, but im a functioning one, I work a well paid IT job full time, yet the wk ends are and a couple of wk night s are normally fuelled by wine and vodka and lately gambling and you know yourselve the dangers of drinking and gambling together! Its f horrendous for me so i guess it s the same for you. Waking up next with the ipad thinking OH ***** no not again quickly getting onto my online banking to see what s the damage and the constant re shuffling of finances, working out what i can afford to live on for the next few weeks only to f up again the following wk end and have to work things out again minus a grand!

Its insane, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome!

Our addictive natures are crippling and yet in some aspects of life ar e beneficial.

Sorry im writing this down in work, so it s a bit giberrish but u get the general idea.

YOur mind will settle down but GET THEM BLOCKS IN PLACE ASAP! ALready been mentioned but self exclude, block , time money location. take one out always.

Wish you a brighter future and do it for youself not your family , you must do it for yourself! Everyone else will benefit ! New gamble free life, holidays, trips new clothes, new tv whatever, this will be yours if you just say no to that first gamble.

Gavin

Hi Gavin,

thanks for taking the time out to contact me (im at work now too, a little calmer than yesterday but still struggling to concentrate) I appreciate it.

The similarities are shocking mate. Im in IT as well, and everything you have said Ive pretty much done. I am getting the blocks in place, Ive contacted betsafe and gamblock to ask some functional questions on the software (it needs to be discreet for obvious reasons and i want multiple licenses) .. I have always had an iphone but have never had a tablet device. There doesnt seem to be a blocking app for IOS devices so I am actually thinking about going "apple free" as well as gambling free, this would mean more initial expense but I think ill change my phone to an android phone if the more sophisticated blockers are only available on android. I keep reminding myself that I need to remember how serious this is, and do everything "by all means necessary" - that means instead of thinking "ill block my PCs but its too much hassle to change from an Iphone to another device" I actually cant take that risk, i need to do whatever i can.

The drinking thing has got to stop also. I never used to drink in the week, only at weekends. Ive also never been "alcohol dependent", but it has been a habit and I think Ive fallen into a destructive cycle of drinking and gambling. Once I have had a drink (and this has always been the case with me) many idiotic or otherwise dangerous ideas suddenly seem less so ... this could be daft stuff like writing a letter to an ex girlfriend (which ive never done, but Ive thought about whilst drinking), or thinking ill take up some hobby or other that makes no practical sense - but it also removes some of my barriers to and i think numbs me to the stupidity of, gambling.

I know its only a day but I didnt drink last night as I am petrified that the two things are linked now (which is odd as I have absolutely no desire to gamble at all now) my intention is simply not to drink for a while in the earlier stages of my recovery to avoid temptations. Who knows, maybe I actually need to go tee-total as well ? Im not sure how likely or practical that is, but right now anything and everything is up for grabs as an option to help me recover.

the stories of people relapsing really scare me. I cannot afford to do that in any sense of the word. I must, really MUST not go back down this path.

I was relieved to get responses to my self exclusions this morning (i hate the nonsense you get from Casinos where they try to offer transaction limits or periods of exclusion rather than actually doing as youve asked and permanently blocking you - its like "cant you read the subtext, Im hurting here, this is killing me - just do as I ask and close the f*****G account"). I had to go online and get my account details for one of the sites and it felt horrible, like the killer returning to the scene of a murder horrified to see what they have done. I had 2.59 left in that account, and i couldnt withdraw it (too small an amount) so i span it .... this felt awful, I should have just left it there i guess - but i didnt want the casino to have any more of my money (that doesnt even make sense does it) I closed the browser down and sent the self exclusion mail as soon as the counter hit 0.03 and i felt nothing other than regret and ugliness as i went through the motions. I thought as I did this ... does this actually mean i have "slipped" already ? I like to think not, as it wasnt .... well it was something different. The exclusion confirmation came through on that account this morning with the others.

If you ever need someone to bounce an email off of (I cannot be available all the time, as with you I am dealing with this alone and cannot risk any contact with my home life - but i will be checking my account linked to this site daily) feel free to contact me, I think we have more in common than we would like.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. Im off to a meeting now to try and concentrate on work ... not easy.

best regards,

FM.

Hi ,

About to finish my lunch here in work but I have an IPAD and Iphone theres software called K9 which is basically a browser that blocks gambling. Its free but you need to disable Safari which requires a 4 digit pin code in settings/restrictions.

Obviously you cant set that code yourself or it would be pointless. I am getting my counsellor to set it next week. Its just another block in place.

Could anyone you trust do that for you?

Maybe you should start a recovery diary as well (I am) ? Its helping me.

Anyway gotta dash I'll keep in touch, and well done for self excluding. Cheers.

Jason, thanks for sharing your story. Be strong and from your already strength you can beat this!

All the best,

Kris