I want to change my life.....

Not sure if I should have said what I gambled on.

Football is my thing. I followed a different tipster on social media every week. Taken in by their promises to turn £25 into £1000 in so many bets. Bets of the day, trebles of the day, accumulators of the day.... I did the lot. I'd have good runs, win occassionally. Lose some, lose more... chase then chase some more to the point I believed I could win £50 per day for 2 years through my vast knowledge of football to pay off my debts before my family had to find out. I'm actually shaking my head reading this back. You name a team somewhere in any league in the world and I've probably placed a bet on one of their games.

I have a season ticket at my local team who I have followed for years. I take my kids along to most of the home games and I end up staring at my phone for most of the game watching the other scores. It's incredible when you actually sit down and think about it. I have the cheek to call myself a father as well.

I used to think I was an intelligent guy!!

Hi there and welcome to the forum.

Your story struck a cord with me especially the part about trying to win X amount a day for so long to pay off debts. I tried this too and was convinced at the time it would work - it did not. As a compulsive gambler my life soon became unmanageable. I too have a young son who's 1st birthday is next week so I can empathise with you in that regard, his mother and I are no longer together (through a combination of factors but gambling played a part).

First thing you need to do is accept you are a compulsive gambler and that you're life has become unmanageable. I would advise telling your wife the whole truth also, absolutely everything from the debt to the emotions you are going through etc. There is no way of telling how she will react but I think you know she will find out sooner or later anyway. She may stick by you. She may also leave so be ready for that scenario. Right now your actions will speak louder than words for good reason. If it does happen and she decides you can no longer be together then do it for the kids. All they want is for Mummy & Daddy to be happy and in their lives even if it's not under the same roof. They don't want all the riches in the world we dream about giving them, all they want is you.

I highly recommend going to GA. I too, like you, decided years ago that it wouldn't be for me. Finally after years and years in denial and I admitted needing as much help as possible I went and haven't looked back. Honestly can say it is the best decision I have made for a long time.

Lastly you said you used to think you were an intelligent guy. This addiction affects anyone from all walks of life and doesn't discriminate. Male or female, young or old, rich or poor - it has affected some of the most intelligent people out there. I'm not going to lie, you have a tough few weeks and months ahead but be assured in the knowledge that your life will be 100% better without gambling in it.

All the best

Tipsters on social media
The lowest of the low.
Gambaling addicts taking money from gambaling addicts.
Here's how a tipster /affiliate works
Say 100 people sign up through the tipsters link. Starting on a 25 pound stake the promise of a 1000 return over 10 bets
The tipster if the bet loses gets 30 percent of the losses. So that's 750 quid going to the affiliate
Should the 10 bets be successful the tipster receives 0
Here's where it gets interesting
Say those 100 people now have an account with who ever. Every time the deposit and lose Mr affiliate gets 30 percent of the overall losses per month
Every now and then they will throw out a winning tip. But it's of low monterrey value say a 0.5 over in a game. That's like me saying I guarantee that the sun's coming out tommrow? They then delete the losing bets to leave a page of winning bets. Which makes them look like God's to the masses that follow there advice
Some page's have masses of followers.

As for you and your debt I would consider an iva. It's a 5 year term
And a clean walk away after that period. Google a company called aperture there really good.
As for telling your family that's down to you.
But I would seek there help as soon as you can. Because 50k becomes 70 in no time at all
All the best bud
Sorry for the rant

Hi Proudarab

'I'm a grown man in my 40's and I cry pretty much every day thinking of what I have done' I really feel the pain and distress that you are expeiencing, and i am sure many others will recognise these feelings. Having a cry is a way of releasing pressure, and certanly nothing to be ashamed of. I really understand the raw emotions that you are going through, and how this can make you physically ill (difficulty in sleeping, poor concentration). Reality hurts, and its so painful, i know this only to well, as I lost £63,000 in just a year and a half through gambling. Well done for acknowledging how gambling has been so distructive in you life, and for joining here and sharing your experience. You are not alone. I do wish you the very best.

Pete123

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my story and for your kind comments.

Nothing much has changed over the weekend. The great news is I haven't gambled and haven't felt any urge to gamble if I'm honest. However I know all too well that the urges will be there at some point. I have downloaded K9 and Betfilter on to my phone ready to set up. I know with Betfilter there is an annual subscription, does anyone have any experience of this app?

Half Life thank you and I totally understand what you are saying and I fully intend on using actions rather than words. I am fully prepared for the worst but I am also prepared to work as hard as I can to keep my family together or get us back together if the worst comes to the worst. You say that not owning up now isn't a kindness to anyone, however I feel that by waiting until the start of the year the kids can enjoy Christmas with their daddy at home. Or at least without an awful atmnosphere in the house. I hope you understand what I mean. Or am I just kidding myself? I've been through this already and I clearly remember the hurt I caused and the atmosphere in the house. Which makes it even more baffling that I am at this point again, but in an even worse situation. I also remember the relief of coming clean last time round. But the only person that helped was me. I am trying to put my kids first for a change, in a strange sort of way I know.

Struggling to live with myself if I'm honest. The feelings of guilt and self loathing I have are horrible. The worst time of the day is when I wake up, thinking I have to do it all over again for another day. It's actually scary how I can cover my real feelings up and make it look as though everything is great and life is good when the real truth is far from it.

Hope you're all well.

You're kidding yourself.

CW

Hi and thanks for your comments.

Maybe I am kidding myself however the atmosphere in our house isn't toxic at all. I know the point I am at isn't good however things will be tough enough for my kids when I reveal all to my wife I guess. So trying to protect them from this for another couple of months surely doesn't make me a bad father??

Was hoping for some support that maybe somehow I was doing the right thing. Kind of wishing I'd kept it to myself now.

Hi firstly well done so far on remaining gf, I think you may benefit from visiting your GP about how low your mood is right now. With regards to when you tell your wife is up to you as it's your decision and your recovery, every one handles it differently. Please don't feel that you cannot write honestly on here but remember everyone has their opinions. Best wishes and stay strong x

Hi...may I ask why it didn't work when you admitted everything the first time? My husband has just discovered everything and there is no way he will give me another chance if I f**k it up this time and I was wondering how it was possible for you to get in this situation again as I want to ensure it doesn't happen to me?!!! Did you not hand over your finances to your wife? Did she just believe that you would stop without needing to put any barriers in place?

With regards telling your wife I have no idea what you should do. I am in no position to be offering advice on this topic as I was forced to admit my situation. Either way it's going to be tough and I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. I guess the positive is that you know you have a problem and it needs addressing and the only way to really sort the problem out is ensure that you have access to no money ever EVER EVER!xx

Hi again Proudarab. Firstly well done on staying gamble free so far, in my experience the first few days and weeks are the hardest. As for waiting until after Christmas to tell your wife - it's your decision. There would be pro's and con's on both sides of course. If you decide to wait until after Christmas (which is what it sounds like you are leaning towards) can I suggest a few things?

1. Do not gamble at all, total abstinence. By the time you tell her you will be at least 7 weeks gamble free which is a positive

2. Seek as much help and support as you can i.e. GA and/or counselling along with this forum

3. Keep a written diary and log your thoughts and feelings and especially what action you are taking to recover from this addiction. When the time comes you can give this to your wife to read and see for herself your reasons for waiting to tell her and more importantly what you are doing about it - as mentioned before Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Personally I would tell her now or in the next few days but I understand to an extent why you want to wait i.e. not ruining Christmas for the kids etc. If she finds out in the meantime though it may not end well. That's where the diary would come in handy.

All the best with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks guys,

I will start a diary Sam Crow, thanks for suggesting that.

Shorty1966 that's a very good question. Last time was January 2013 and I had got into a fair bit of debt before the gambling started. The gambling started to try and get out of debt and just spiralled out of control. After I had owned up to my wife she stood by me and we remortgaged the house, paying off a chunk of the debt but not all of it, leaving me with some credit card debt to pay off. At the time this seemed a reasonable solution and I could pay it off over 3 or 4 years. However I went along to see a counsellor and after telling the complete story he actually didn't think I had a gambling problem, which looking back seems amazing to think. My wife waited outside in the car and I was in the meeting for like 10 minutes and when I came back out she didn't actually believe that I had gone in.

Myself and my wife decided to draw a line under the whole issue and even though I had asked her to look after my finances she refused as she wanted to be able to trust me. And I have now ended up in this situation. I went a long time without gambling again but just wanted to pay the credit card debt off quicker and you can guess what happened next.

There is nothing I wouldn't give to turn the clock back 4 years and to have done it all so much differently. I remember the relief I felt back then when I came clean and was able to save my marriage and family and no matter what anyone believes I wanted to stop gambling so much. Funny thing is if my wife had asked to look after my finances and asked me to go to GA I would happily have handed everything over at that time and done everything she asked. I did self exclude from the various sites I was using but as you well know there are hundreds!

Good luck to you, looks like you've gone about things the right way.

Hi again, when I said that my wife didn't want to look after the finances cos she wanted to trust me that is partly true, however it was mainly because she didn't want her finances linked to mine any more than they were already.

I don't blame her for any of me getting into a mess again, just in case it reads like that.

Thanks for responding 🙂 I guess if she gives you another chance then you know what you need to do - handover all cards and access to funds and live off a weekly allowance. It sounds like the first time you came clean she thought you'd just been an idiot rather than having an addiction. When you come clean (again) i would advise that you explain you have a serious problem similar to a drug or alcohol addiction and hopefully she will realize that the appropriate barriers were not put in place the first time round and you both need to ensure that these are put up to prevent it happening again. The worst thing you probably could have done is remortgage because it just gave you an excuse to rack it all up again. You need to take the hard road this time and go through the struggle of paying every penny back. I did a web chat mystery shopper assignment today and it took me 37 minutes to earn £3.......!!!!!!!! But that's a days lunch money to me at the minute! Good luck and continue to stay gamble free 🙂

Hi guys,

I so wish we'd done that first time around Half Life. Looking back I think when I asked my wife to look after my finances she thought I meant having a joint account. I should have pushed the matter further but she was obviously upset and angry at me and I was just keeping my mouth shut and doing as I was told.

I haven't gambled for 5 days now and I'm maybe lucky that I don't miss it, all I can relate gambling to is the destruction it has brought to my life. Can I ask how your relationship is now with Mr HL? Do you still speak about the gambling? I'm now prepared for being asked to leave when I do confess and to be fair I couldn't blame her. Strange thing is in my mind I love her and the kids with all my heart, but how can I when I have done something like this? I am really struggling to get my head round that part of it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and pass on advice.

Shorty1966 I read part of your diary yesterday and can relate to a lot of the feelings you were going through and are going through now. Just think though, that £3 you earned yesterday was how much better than losing hundreds gambling.