In shock

Hi Annie. Iv only just started to commit myself to being gamble free and for complisive gamblers, this is a tough journey. That being said, im certainly not the best person to be giving advice. Especially to the partner of a gambler. Anyway in my opinion, the numbers being said, the secrets being held from you, the idea of borrowing money to replace savings and the fact he says it's not a problem and is going to continue to gamble all indicate to me that this is a problem and will more than likely spiral worse. I don't know what to suggest but there is a section on here for family and lots of info which could probably help. If not some of these lovely people will come along shortly and give some good advice. I just thought it would be nice for you to get a reply as its late at night and I can tell your upset. I guess you just need to speak to him some more, if he can admit it's a problem, it's definitely a step in the right direction and can build from there. Hope this has helped you a little

Hi AnnieR

A call to gamcare will be very helpful at this stage while you take some deep breaths.

He is clearly in denial with a serious gambling addiction. So he is going to replace perfectly good money with a loan and so on.

That is how a gamblers mind works when they are desperate for a reply and clutching at straws.

The first thing you need to do is create a stable base that he cant possibly touch. He absolutely cant control his gambling and you have seen the evidence. It is an illness and an addiction but he needs to seek help for it.

I dont know what stage you are at in talking but try and get him to rationalise what he has done. You are dealing with reality on planet earth and his mind is full of lucky clover, horse names and leprechauns. He cant rationalise it because in the cold light of day it sounds like the crazy, addicted ill behaviour that it is

One thing the gambling industry will do is put your realtionship to its toughest test. You may need counselling over this.

A problem gambler must stop immediately and they must live on a sandwich allowance while being monitored. Gambling is one of the deadliest addictions and it can wipe out relationships and bank balances in the click of a finger.

If you experience the angry grumpy phase it also shows he has no intention of stopping.

The advice to any partner is protect your finances close joint accounts and get a credit report. You need to protect yourself from being dragged along on the gambling ride.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi Annie,

I am a compulsive gambler and even if im the last person you want to hear from....please keep reading on.
Gambling is very secretive and lonely addiction. It is also manipulative and enpowering one. Us, gamblers can come out with any story possible so we can protect our sorry jacksides.
What he is doing is not acceptable. I might go against the "majority" but please do not believe him at this point. He was found out...he didn't admit to you beforehand. This alone is so much harder for you to deal with!
Only he can make amends and ohhhh boy, it won't change overnight. I am so sorry to hear you're in shock. This is completely understandable and i guess i know how you feel. Not sure which would be worse...finding out he is gambling or having an affair...both are the same in my eyes...it is a ugly secret he kept to himself.

Ok..rant about addiction is over. Have you noticed anything outta place recently? His behaviour? Deattachment?...you already said you knew something is wrong, i just wanted to see if he realised that his tail is burning and tried to hide "the feelings". Most importantly you need to put yourself first. He needs help, but dam dear lady, you need help with dealing with all of this also! It's not your fault if he cannot get the addiction under control..please never take blame for his actions. He needs to decide what is more important, kind of...make a choice - loving & supportive family or a ride to hell! Second option will see you & him suffering more..the worst is...well...complete disaster on both parts. He cannot win cause he can't stop! & that's what he needs to understand now and for all! It's addiction, it's not a game..he plays with your feelings and trust which is more than coward move!I'm sorry i am getting hard on all of this...i just care.
You need help and support is out here. Give GC a ring, speak to advisers. There is help out there and you're not on your own..the stories i read are eye watering...addiction is strong but only us - gamblers can put things rite...sometimes it's too late..i am not sure about your case but i truly hope that the lighbulb moment has hit in his "home"....now or never...trust will not be back in one day but if you both are willing to work towards it - it is possible.
GA can help him same as you...only if you both are willing to give it a go.

For now, keep putting yourself first. He is not a victim..hell no...he always had a choice but we do make wrong ones..i hope there is a place for repairing the carnage he has created. Talk to him & if he wants help and get rid of this addiction - the honesty and hard work will pay off...he only needs to want it.

Once again - not your fault...keep standing up for yourself and seek for help! It's out there..take it

Sandra

Morning, Annie,

I've been in that position, I'm so sorry to hear it. You've had some decent responses, especially from Sandra.

Apologies for sounding forceful now but I got it totally wrong first time round, after I accidentally opened a bank statement and I would strongly advise you not to make the same mistakes. My husband denied it (spread betting is investment, just a bit more risky and v tax efficient), lied (I won't do it again if you're so fussy), projected blame on to me (I had to do it because you were so extravagant) and despite some waving red flags (my bank statements are private and I'll divorce you if you invade my privacy), I went along with his denials because it was easier short term and what about the kids and I thought it would go away. Four years later, during which time he was awful and I ended up paying for everything, it came to light that he had cleared out the children's savings. I had done myself and them a total disservice by putting up with all this nonsense. But I got it wrong through ignorance and lack of support.

The better course of action is to do what you are doing, getting targeted information, help and support for you. Otherwise you get overwhelmed by it all and making the best decisions for you becomes so much harder. GamAnon is a very good source of real life support and information, their literature is excellent. GC offer a helpline and counselling. Also, read the forum.

The thing is, how my husband behaved and how your husband is behaving now is normal for an active compulsive gambler. They have an addiction to the process of gambling, they can't control it, they can't stop. A comparison is that it's not normal to have severe pain in your leg - unless it's broken, in which case the pain is normal for a broken leg. As non addicts, we find it hard to understand the compulsion and we end up trying to argue logically with someone whose thought processes are totally illogical because all they want to do is gamble in peace. All the Family and Friends stories refer to denial, projected blame, manipulation, self pity, immaturity.

Dealing with it is another matter. This is a nightmare for you and the fact that it's a nightmare for you should not get lost amongst his issues. Keep the focus on you, do what you need to do and make decisions with you in mind. Always remember that you control you and he controls him. The three Cs: You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. He can chose recovery (my husband has, this time round) but you can't make him do anything. Your choices are about what you do.

Protect yourself financially. Have what assets you can in your sole name. Don't share passwords / PINs and don't have remembered passwords for on line, keep cards cash and valuables safe. Don't trust him in financial terms, rely on bank statements and financial documents and not what he says. Get the £2 statutory credit reports in your name and his from all three credit reference agencies so that you can see the true financial situation. Bear in mind that what you pay for frees up his money for gambling.

Hope some of this helps, look after yourself.

CW

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. Sandra thank you for giving me an insight into the mind of a gambler. I havent really slept since last night. He calmly told me this morning as from this moment he is stopping and in the same breath if I cant I will get help. He said it is a load of his mind now that I know and that he is so ashamed. I couldnt speak to him I am still reeling from the revelation. He says it has been going on for five years but I think this is a lie. I just think he has had more access to money in the last five years with a payout from work. He is a very generous man and I dont think he would touch my finances. Thank god when we had the payout half of it is in my sole account, Money aside its the lying and keeping secrets from me that hurts. He says it is a hobby and that he cannot see the problem. It is his money and the same as me buying a new handbag. I have so many worries at present, two big health scares in last two years, a self-harming depressed son and to top it all going through a horrendous menopause. I really dont need this. I want to help him but at the moment I am just worn down.

I will contact someone when I am not so tearful and reactive. Thank you all once again,

Hi, again, Annie,

I didn't think that I had married the sort of person who would go on to steal from our children - but the addiction is progressive and he did. Probably motivated by desperation at the time, presumably he thought he could put it back, but the addiction progressed, he got past the stage of being able to "afford" it and he did the unthinkable. Do protect your finances.

It's not a hobby once it becomes compulsive and denial is common.

Take care of you.

BW,

CW

Hi Annie,

Sorry to hear your story and I wish you and your husband well. Remember you've done nothing wrong, okay opening his post may have been a breach of his privacy but will probably turn out to be a blessing in disquise, probably saving you both thousands and your marriage.

I'm a CG, who only recently owned up to my wife about my addiction. I know all about the lies and deceipt of what this addiciton brings with it. These are things you will really find difficult to understand, maybe you never will.

Regarding the ISA £4K, you've either been VERY lucky that this was his first venture into your savings or they'll be other withdrawels. Personally I dipped into my ISA 3 times in 2015, I thought I had taken £1000 each time, but on coming clean the three amounts were £1200, £1700, £1250. This money was meant to be going towards an extension at home and new PVC windows, but no just gambled away without any thought.

If your husband wants to come clean he must tell you everything about all of the debts. Then you can both work together to start the fight against this terrible addiction.

You may find some of these posts frightening and awful but please take strength they are all there to help you the innocent party in the matter.

Wishing you all the best.

I just feel so down. He came home yesterday and said he had given himself a lifetime block on the one site he uses. He says that is it he has stopped things got out of control. He will never again gamble. He doesn't need help. Won't show me his finances , won't speak to anyone including me. He has no problem. I really don't know where to go. I have told my sister because I need to be able to talk to someone. He is really angry about this but I don't care. He really is in massive denial . Thank you all for your replies and insight.

Hi Annie , my names Alan and I'm a Compulsive gambler who thankfully hasn't had a bet for 7 months.

Your'e right saying " He's in massive denial " I spent quite a few years thinking that I didn't have a problem but deep down I knew I was just kidding myself , it's very difficult for us to try and picture a life without gambling in it and even mre difficult to accept that we do need help and can't do it on our own and it was only when I came here I could begin to address my problems .

He can talk all he want's but unless he's totally open and honest about showing you his finances and speak with you regarding what he intends to do to insure he doesn't gamble again , then I'm afraid in my opinion he's just paying you lipservice , as others from the Fand f section , CW and HL have prob already told you , it needs to be totally transparent for you to be safe .

I've lied and cheated and twisted the truth to allow myself to continue gambling , used money I shouldn't and maxed out credit cards one by one to cover losses and hide my tracks , so honestly I know from experience what were capable of . I came clean to my family and answered everything they asked , showed them the damage I'd caused and all with total honesty and thats the only way that was fair to them as it should be for you , if there's nothing more to hide then there is no excuse for him to show you what you need to see !.

Look after you and best wishes ....................Alan

Maybe Phil , that comment would have been better addresed to Half Life's diary for her to answer instead of Annie? but in my opinion she's right , most active Compulsive gamblers don't give a damm for anyone or anything except funding the next bet , regardless of weather it hurts those they love !. Apologies for highjacking your thread Annie in response to the post left by phil .

Apologies , just realised HL doesn't have a diary page ! oops !

Wouldn't worry about it phil, as HL doesn't have a page youv'e got no other way of posting to her , but you'd need to contact forum admin to ask for a post to be deleted .

Best wishes to both !

HL , any chance of putting some roots down , instead of being "no fixed abode " LoL ! It would make life much easier for an old bloke ?

Hi, Annie,

First time round, I accepted financial secrecy, (termed "privacy") unhappily, uneasily, but I accepted it and that was all my husband needed to cover up his continued gambling.

Please be very careful. We don't all need to find out the hard way! If he's stopped gambling, he doesn't need financial secrecy/privacy. Transparency and openness from him are the way forward - if not, ask yourself why not? What does he have to hide?

CW